To not want to go on this holiday?

[CombinedLadybug]

NC for this because I know DH would be livid if he saw it. Basically, we’ve got a holiday booked for the summer, supposed to be a “big family trip” with DH’s side – PIL, BIL, SIL, their kids, the whole works. It was all decided ages ago, and at the time I just went along with it because DH was so keen, but now it’s getting closer, I am absolutely dreading it.

Firstly, it’s not my idea of a holiday. We’re all staying in one big villa (read: zero privacy) and MIL is already sending out lists of “things we should bring” like it’s a school trip. SIL is lovely but very intense, and their kids are wild. Ours are younger and still nap, but I just know that’s not going to be respected, and we’ll be the boring ones for trying to keep any kind of routine.

Also, and I know this will sound petty, but we are paying a lot for this. It’s not somewhere I’d have chosen, and I’d much rather have saved the money and done something just the four of us. But DH thinks it will be “lovely family time” (ha) and is totally ignoring my concerns.

AIBU to feel completely miserable about this? It’s too late to back out now, but I’m genuinely considering feigning illness the week before and sending DH and the kids without me. WWYD?

It sounds like my idea of hell, but it would be really obvious if you suddenly became "sick" the week before and could no longer ago.

You've agreed to go and have already paid, so I think you need to suck it up and make the best of it. Having a bad attitude won't help you, though.

Just go and suspend usual rules and routines of your DC for a week. Relax and just take each hour and day as it comes, go with the flow. You can't control anything anyway. Your mil can be ignored if she tries to micromanage, and you can chill too. But make sure DH knows he has to do his share. Not sure I'd go off on more than say one separate day out on such a short holiday. Hope you have a fab time out of your usual routines. 🍷

As long as someone is watching the kids by the water at all times (not you 100% of the time) just act super relaxed and chill! Act like a man! Be half cut all day if you can! As long as the children are safe and have suncream on don't worry about mealtimes, bedtimes, naptimes.
Let other people get up and do things, for you and the kids, lie and say 'yes, I'll do that in a minute, I'm just feeling a bit dizzy from the heat' see if someone else picks up the slack.

Treat it like the day after Boxing Day when no one gives a shit about anything! And again, let other people do stuff for themselves and for you!!

The fact that your husband would be livid is worrying and we all know that you will be the gopher for the week and everyone else will give you shit for being the boring one. So I'd definitely recommend hugging someone who has a bad bad cold the week before and letting them all go and have a wonderful time whilst you stay home and sniff sniff spend the miserable week in bed.

I know DH will just slot back into “golden boy” mode and leave me to do all the actual parenting

^

Not sure how old the kids are?? But you need to take a step back and let HIM parent ... Otherwise you'll be run ragged.

Question : what's the plan for food? I guess you're self catering??

I am like this about DH’s family every time we spend more than a couple of hours with them but I usually enjoy it more than I think I will.

I would go this time but lay down the ground rules to DH about spending some time on your own as a family and or as a couple. Say we are going to have a day out on our own today, or you go on ahead we are going to do our own thing today etc and I bet you enjoy it far more than you think.

If it is really bad you can refuse any future suggestions.

Sounds like you've already made up your mind about your DH laying around and you running around with the kids, why?

Yes this.

We do an annual holiday with extended family on OHs side. We all do our own thing a bit but we do all eat together in the evening, probably 50:50 in the villa vs restaurant.

A couple of times during the week we go out for breakfast early and get the kids to the beach before it’s too hot. That’s our immediate family time.

It wouldn’t be my choice of location but as long as the villa is big enough that we’re not tripping over each other it seems to work. And the kids love getting time with their cousins.

Yeah, I do feel a bit steamrolled, if I’m honest. DH is usually reasonable, but when it comes to his family, he just doesn’t see an issue. I don’t think he’s domineering, more that he just assumes I’ll go along with things. And I usually do, but I’m really resenting it this time.

Kids are 5 and 2, so still at the stage where they need quite a bit of hands-on parenting, especially the youngest. And yes, we’re self-catering, which I know is going to mean MIL and SIL taking over and me somehow getting roped into doing all the boring jobs while DH swans off for a “quick beer” with BIL.

As for why I think I’ll be the one running around… past experience! DH just switches off when we’re around his family. He’s not usually like that at home, but the moment we’re in that dynamic, it’s like he’s 18 again and I’m suddenly the default parent. I’d love to step back and make him take over, but I guarantee if I try, it’ll be the kids who suffer, not him.

You need to talk to DH about your concerns. Tell him he needs to be equally conscious and involved with all the parenting.

It sounds like a nightmare but maybe you can tell him this will be the tester to see if you’ll ever agree to go again.

How many nights away?

You've had some great advice here, which I hope you take on board. As with all meetings - it's all in the preparation. It's worth carving out those boundaries now, before you go. You may need to practise saying some of these lines before you go.

Do a bit of research of what's in the local area and talk up things you can do with your family (beach / boat trip/ local market) to your DH. You take on organising a rota for evening meals and include the men ! Maybe it should be the ladies of the party sneaking off for a quick one at the local bar!

Also - the biggest area of falling out - get everyone to agree who has which rooms BEFORE you leave.

Ensure you have some family time or dh and you time. Get others to babysit and have a day/night out. Don’t be afraid to be a parent and advocate for your family.

You need to talk to DH about this. Tell him he needs to shape up on holiday or you will leave him to it.

I would break my own leg rather than do this so I do understand your feelings.

It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday. Find a local salon, Hammam or whatever and pre-book the whole works as your present. Book it for day 3 or 4 of the holiday around lunchtime. You can head out by 11am, have a lovely spa then relax in a taverna with your kindle for a couple of hours. Tell him to feed the kids, you’ll be home later than they eat.

Tell your DH that you

I’d go and hope for the best but be absolutely sure to have time out/away with your dh and dcs. And if it’s awful, make sure to just send dh and dcs next time.

whereas they might still enjoy it without you, I’m pretty sure your dh and dcs would prefer that you went

It is three to four months away, you need to have a conversation and come up with a plan with your DH. And if a conclusion is that if it is bad you will not go on holiday with the inlaws again at least until the children are older, you must be prepared to go through with it 100% and be very determined to do so.

You're being really defeatist here.

It won't change because you won't speak up.

In the nicest possible way, you may as well quit moaning if that's how you're going to choose to play it.

I hate this type of holiday. There is a universal
assumption that everyone loves sand and sea. Why?

it’s hard - but be clear with boundaries. Master the tinkley laugh then ignore MIL. She is not the headmistress on a school trip. If you are all paying your way you are equals. She can’t tell you want to do, hand out chores or otherwise act like the boss.

talk to your husband - say you both need to parent. And as this is his family you get time off. I would say I need a day mid week to explore the region alone. Non negotiable. Take a book, go for a walk, hop on a bus, have a lazy lunch. Research the area before you go, have an escape - even if it’s just a few hours.

Sounds awful but the time to object has long passed unfortunately
Presumably you have paid for the holiday so you have the right to do what you want (to a certain extent), you don't have to do everything MIL has planned .
Make plans of your own, maybe hire a car if you fancy it and explore the area a bit

Sounds like BIL has the right idea. Drink Mimosas for breakfast and get drunk every day by lunchtime, all your problems will be solved!

Majority of your reasons for not enjoying it seem to come down to your DH. You need to address these problems now, before you go. Make it clear that if he "switches off" you'll leave and go home solo.

I would just go and go with the flow. Forget routines and start a new holiday routine and resume a new routine when you get home. It won’t be the end of the world.

Enjoy your holiday

And yes, we’re self-catering, which I know is going to mean MIL and SIL taking over and me somehow getting roped into doing all the boring jobs while DH swans off for a “quick beer” with BIL.

^

I hear you on this. I find on self catering holidays there are two types of people: those who do, and those who don't. Meaning half the people do everything, while the other half do nothing.

Don't fall into the trap of parenting, cooking all the food and cleaning up after everyone.

Your supposed 'holiday' with a 2 and a 5 year old will be anything but if you fall into the 'doing it all' trap

I cannot think of anything worse but sounds like you're going to have to go through with it now. Is dh worth the effort? Would he do the same for you if his mil was trying to treat you all like schoolkids on a trip? I'd definitely outline tour expectations to him now and also express that you really don't see it as a holiday for you but as a one off for him you'll oblige this time.

Five and two and you want people to respect their nap times on holiday? Come on now.