Violent ex partner in new relationship

[Lucaandmum]

My friend told me to stay out of this, but I'm not so sure.

I was with my ex for 6 years, the abuse started around 6/7 months in gaslighting and extreme jealousy. Things got physical later on, although not once did I call the police. He once punched me so hard in my face my tooth went through my lip, I have a scar, again no police called
I finally left in September last year.
He was seeing our son supervised with his mum from September until earlier this month.
I knew he got into a new relationship in October, but I recently found out she has children, 3 in total.
He's been pretty much living there since they have been together and has told me all the violence was my fault, however when I first met him he did disclose his ex was accusing him of hitting her, I believed him of course.
My issue is I know what he is like she's known him for no time, my therapist told me I should tell her about his violence, I told my friend and she said to keep out of it and it might look like I'm bitter, which I am not.
But should I tell her or just call SS?
He once threatened me with a knife, and I had the police called in August by neighbours which lead to me splitting up with him (no ss I lied to the police at the time)
AIBU?

I'm surprised your therapist said that.

At the absolute most I would anonymously message her recommending she do a Clare's Law request, but even then I'd be hesitant. If he's so dangerous, why are you getting involved and risking your safety?

@PsychoHotSauce since he's been with her, he's not bothered with me, no threats nothing although that may change if he knows I got involved, but she's got 3 daughters and from the sounds of it (what he's told me) he's been around them from the begining, I would feel so bad if anything happened in front of small children, but my friend said that's her problem she should have vetted him better.

Your friend doesn't sound like someone you should be listening to.

@2025willbemytime should I call SS - or let my therapist do it?

Will he have anything on his record if you never went to the police?

When children are involved, it is all of our responsibility to ensure they’re not harmed. If you have any inkling he might hurt the children then you absolutely MUST report it.

If I were you I wouldn’t contact the gf, you risk just coming off as a jealous ex and I doubt she would listen to you over him

Stay out of it, the new woman will find out in her own time just as you did.

@56conpatr34 yes, he's been arrested for GBH a few times (fighting in the street with strangers) once in front of our son 3 years ago.
He's got previous, he's been in trouble with police since he was 12.
He's a troubled man, but blames me for all of it.
Tells me he's so happy.
In the police report back in August they reported him as showing "unhealthy behaviours"
What should I do?

@booksandbakinglover this is what my friend said, but I feel so bad as he hit me a times in front of our son.

I would tell the police. It is still a crime what happened and then say you’re concerned new partner doesn’t know.

Are you going to inform every new person he has a relationship with for the rest of time? Why do you feel this is so important? You haven’t mentioned that he is a risk to the children only the partner. Unless he’s a sexual predator or gets a kick out of torturing family pets I’d leave well alone.

@susiedaisy1912 but if he can hit me in front of his own child and cause him emotional harm, then what is he capable of in front of somebody elses children, isn't he still a risk?!

I honestly don't know what to do, send her a warning and hope she believes me or leave it alone and hope nothing happens

Do an anonymous referral via the nspcc, saying he has previously been violent in relationships in the past and you’re worried about the children, but don’t put any details other than that. That way you’re not putting yourself and your child at risk by giving information that could identify you as the source but given his criminal record ss have enough information to investigate any risk.

Anonymously message her about claires law and leave it at that.

This is such good advice, I agree

@booksandbakinglover yes, I'll do this he knows I'm seeing a therapist so it could have come from them.

He literally jumped from me to her, so obviously wants a new victim, I just can't sleep easy knowing what he's like and now I know she has 3 children, what if something happens and I could have stopped it getting that far by doing something

Don't contact her as she may tell him and you'd be at risk. I would contact the police and social services.

You've picked up on a really good point in that we need a change of law. Abusers should go on a register like sex offenders.

Yes he may hit her in front of her kids but if she’s a strong person she will finish things with him immediately and if she’s not and stays with him despite the DV then your early warning will do no good at all. my exh was abusive I divorced him after many years and had to get a restraining order against him, he found someone new within four months of separating and had moved in with her very soon after, she knew both of us previously and knew all about his reputation, she also had a small child but went on to marry him and now has the same problems I did. 🤷‍♀️ you cant help some people.

Absolutely call ss but do not contact new girlfriend in anyway at all .

@susiedaisy1912 I know what your saying, but I suppose this is just for me.

I'm going to do the nspcc referral, or I might just call SS for advice (anonymously)

Report anonymously through nspcc and don’t contact her at all.

I wouldn't do it. I'd ask the therapist to do it. They it's nothing to do with you. She has a duty of care. I'd be worried he might hurt you for doing it.

Report all the incidents and dates did you seek medical attention? Any record at all?
Get it on his police record if you can.

Sadly lying to police does not help you or future women and children but of course you might have been scared to report. Maybe it is not too late ask police dv unit.

If there is anything on his police record all you can do is urge a Clare law.

Make sure you tell the NSPCC you want to remain anonymous.