To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

[Flowersinthehood]

I don’t know if this is the norm or just my social circle I’m in but my five closest friends are all single mums. Three of them have become single mum's in the last two years, two have been single mums since their children were babies. I’m in the middle.
How they are coping with it seems to vary so much depending on level of income, type of job, support network, the nature of the split, their children and their ages/ characters/ SEN, whether there a homeowner, MH.
However there are struggles for all of us.

Childcare is too short, hard to get and expensive. It’s super difficult to find a house to rent. UC, if you get it, doesn’t pay childcare in advance so for something like the school holidays is a huge outlay, especially for more than one child. Yes these costs should be shared but in a domestic abuse or coercive control situation, ex H’s aren’t always involved.
Very often women get trapped not working and it’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because the barriers to get back in the workplace are huge, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.
The housing situation is hugely biased. No single parent who gets benefits, even ones who work can find a private tenancy. Discrimination, although supposedly outlawed, is still rife.
Flexible working, again, not easy to obtain.
WFH roles are harder to get, most only let you WFH after a period of time. Yet at the same time, childcare is being reduced due to the amount of people WFH.

I suppose my thoughts are that none of these help women leave unhappy, potentially dangerous or abusive relationships.
On MN I see a lot of ‘LTB’ but with no actual support when women actually do. It feels very much like the only women who are allowed to leave, according to MN, are those who own a property in their own name, earn six figures and have a car.
What about the rest of us?
Do governments feel that making things hard is necessary? Would women be having more babies in short term or non sustainable relationships if we made things better for women?

The single mother sigma I think is the hardest part. My children have to be better behaved, smarter and politer otherwise they are just seen as a product of a single mum. They don’t get the same grace that 2 parent families get.

Wtf is this comment

@BlondiePortz if only life was that simple

Ah yes of course, let's blame the women!!

Of course, it's the women's fault the men are useless.

Well it can be said men are responsible for being useless women are responsible for thinking it is a great idea to have a child then more with a man who is useless, it is that simple

Yes, because there are never posts on MN about women choosing deadbeats for partners and then being all surprised when they don’t pull their weight when the baby arrives?
Honestly, you’d think all women were saints who never make a bad decision. It’s all the men’s fault.

What kind of support would you like to see, OP? Do you think childcare should be free/cheaper for single mums or all parents?

I grew up with a single mother. Life was undoubtedly very tough for her but the life lessons I took away from that were always to safeguard my career and financial security. My dh does earn more and I did go pt when we had small kids but we never overstretched beyond mortgage payments I could afford on my own. Of course my life is easier because I am not a single parent and I have huge sympathy for women struggling when abusive twats ground them down and left them to it. But I do also feel we need to teach our daughters to take more control and protect themselves better. Too many women are sucked in by men who promise the world and its all too easy to let them take charge of the finances....and then when they're gone your stuffed. I'm fiercely independent....something my dh finds frustrating at times...but it's my protection mechanism having seen my own mother put up with abusive relationships and powerlessness because no one taught her how to stick up for herself.

I think women have children with men they believe are good and decent people. Things change, relationships change and it isn't always because one person has done something bad that causes a relationship to end. Women become single mothers for hundreds of reasons. Sometimes they are at fault, sometimes they aren't.

You said it "starts with good choices" the women make. I'd imagine thousands of women make good choices but situations change.

Every single mother I know was married to the father of the child before the children came along. Off the top of my head I can think of 20 single mothers. All in private school so that’s what they’re using the child support for even if they’re on universal credits themselves. Some of them were lucky enough to be awarded a nice chunk of equity to buy a small crappy house out right.

It’s their earning power that’s scuppered.
I realised very early on post of divorce. I was really gonna have to open my game in terms of my career. Whilst simultaneously having zero child support in terms of the actual heavy lifting of taking care of the child.
He has had every other weekend for over 10 years and never deviated except when he’s needed to cancel his weekend to go and do something else but never offered to make up the weekend he just loses it.

And apparently that makes him very sad, it makes me apoplectic with rage.

Mainly because we’re only just making ends meat having him feed the child every other weekend. A holiday for him blows my budget.

I’m a lone parent but I always focussed on career and financial independence and this is what we need to teach our daughters. I wish there was more support for single/lone mums I really do. Such a stigma.

And those who partner died, should they have chosen better too?

The single parents I know have too many children to multiple fathers. They all seem to be doing ok and hardly any even work. Most of my friends in couples are both working all hours and it’s tough for them too. Women need to make better choices. Contraception would be a start.

Maintenance is disregarded when calculating UC which is good but needs to be more. Maintenance needs to be enforced and it should also count towards the AET for single parents on UC to reduce pressure on them

I don’t recognise the multiple children to different dads example. That’s not my reality and I live in the inner city. I know one single mum with two children from one relationship and one child from another. She was actually in long term relationship with both fathers, and the second one died. I don’t know what you’re expecting.

Quite a lot of things change once women have kids. Decent men can turn into abusive selfish bastards pretty quickly. I know someone this happened to. Yes it is frustrating women do have babies with men who are dickheads, but accidents happen even on contraception as it is not 100% effective. I don't think we should live in an age where people are trapped in relationships they don't want. It's really bad for the kids. It should be affordable to live separately or as a single person and it isn't.

It really pisses me off when single mothers are blamed for everything when they do all of the work because a man bailed out under the stress of it. Why doesn't anyone ask when the men are knocking women up when they are not committed to the consequences?

Those fathers are really just another example of feckless men thinking it’s everybody else’s job to support their children: they could have avoided leaving their partner and children struggling by having life insurance.

I think more affordable and accessible childcare is absolutely key to improving the lives of parents, single and in couples. Women can then work full time rather than rely on handouts whilst using lack of childcare as an excuse, and increase their long term financial capabilities as well as their immediate ones.

That comment is called mysogeny

people make mistakes because that’s called being human. You often get together with the man who turns out to be bad when you are young and inexperienced and overrun with chemical hormones. The men are also making mistakes thinking they are capable of being a father. But blame the female.

It isn't 100% effective.

What do you think of the men that don't use contraception or have multiple children with different mothers?

The thing is that two people are needed to make a baby. Yet in 99.9% of couples, when they break up one parent does the majority of all the work, takes the loss of earning potential, takes the school runs and sick days, takes the brunt of all the decision making and admin. The other is largely free from those responsibilities.
So by all means blame BOTH parents if they brought a child into a chaotic environment or shit relationship, but punish both, not just the mum.
Child maintenance can be as low as £12 a week.

Must be nice to live in your perfect world where everything goes to plan

Yes of course. I don't know how I didn't spot that my ex was a malignant narcissistic twat when I first met him at 28 with little experience of men. Silly me!