To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

[Flowersinthehood]

I don’t know if this is the norm or just my social circle I’m in but my five closest friends are all single mums. Three of them have become single mum's in the last two years, two have been single mums since their children were babies. I’m in the middle.
How they are coping with it seems to vary so much depending on level of income, type of job, support network, the nature of the split, their children and their ages/ characters/ SEN, whether there a homeowner, MH.
However there are struggles for all of us.

Childcare is too short, hard to get and expensive. It’s super difficult to find a house to rent. UC, if you get it, doesn’t pay childcare in advance so for something like the school holidays is a huge outlay, especially for more than one child. Yes these costs should be shared but in a domestic abuse or coercive control situation, ex H’s aren’t always involved.
Very often women get trapped not working and it’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because the barriers to get back in the workplace are huge, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.
The housing situation is hugely biased. No single parent who gets benefits, even ones who work can find a private tenancy. Discrimination, although supposedly outlawed, is still rife.
Flexible working, again, not easy to obtain.
WFH roles are harder to get, most only let you WFH after a period of time. Yet at the same time, childcare is being reduced due to the amount of people WFH.

I suppose my thoughts are that none of these help women leave unhappy, potentially dangerous or abusive relationships.
On MN I see a lot of ‘LTB’ but with no actual support when women actually do. It feels very much like the only women who are allowed to leave, according to MN, are those who own a property in their own name, earn six figures and have a car.
What about the rest of us?
Do governments feel that making things hard is necessary? Would women be having more babies in short term or non sustainable relationships if we made things better for women?

Really what we need to do is support women before they become single mums to not put themselves in vulnerable situations where they have multiple children with feckless men, give up work and leave themselves financially vulnerable, don’t ensure their partners have good life insurance policies, have savings etc. Before having children couples should be considering how they would both cope if they were to split up or if one half were to die, it’s irresponsible to have children without considering any ‘what ifs’ and naive to think that you will never split up or are invincible to death. I’m single and I would have liked children but I know I can’t afford them on my own and so haven’t pursued this, it would be selfish to have children just because I want them when I’m not in a financial position to do so. If you can’t afford to be a single parent don’t have a child whilst in a relationship because staying part of a couple is never guaranteed. Contraception and abortion are both freely available so there’s rarely an excuse for having a child you can’t afford.

Me neither.

our “big boss” is a single mum. She gets nothing but respect for doing an amazing job.

not despite being a single mum, her parenting status is of no consequence. The only reason we even know she’s a lone parent is the odd occasion she needs to leave early/have a day off for childcare or whatever.

If you’re working there’s not really any need to broadcast your marital status anyway, it’s nobody’s business. It’s the one’s who whinge about their exes (yes, both male and female) who lose respect because work and the office isn’t the place.

They will find it very hard to keep going with this argument when/if the DWP start peeping into bank accounts.

I really want posters to read your experience and really put themselves in your shoes.
It is not all feckless dads and delusional mums.
These are professional men, professional women. Homeowners, Guardian readers, you name it, when you split you’re a single mum.
You chose this.
You deserve this.
How dare you leave without earning enough to buy a three bedroom outright on your own money, keep your kids in private school and earn enough to pay for a full time nanny. Didn’t you think about these costs when you had two children with your husband, the church going dentist?

Actually, it can be lower.
I receive just over £11 per month via CMS for my 7 year old twins DC.

I honestly don't get why: a) tax free childcare is capped and b) why childcare can't be written off as a pre tax business expense if the government genuinely wants to boost productivity. £2k relief from the government is a drop in the ocean for a 20k+ bill.

Plus the nursery staff are underpaid. I'd love my baby to be looked after by nurturing people who are skilled and well compensated for what they do - her key worker (who is amazing) is leaving for the airline industry due to pay.

I could see all this coming back in the 1990s Its one of the reasons im child free by choice . We were told we could have it all. What they really meant was they wanted women to DO it all!

This comment X100. I don’t want to do more, why should I now add this to my already full plate?
in saying that, I grew up with a single parent as my dad died when I was fairly young BUT my dm was already independent, working and made sure that we educated ourselves and made our financial stability a priority before having children or becoming SAHM in vulnerable positions.
This was a time when women had SO much against them and my dm was able to make good decisions. She also didn’t meet man after man and bring more kids to the mix.

In our circle, there’s only 1 friend who is divorced but he was useless from the beginning and she knew full well but had kids anyway.

We should be responsible and accountable for the decisions we make. Certainly there are many, many situations where it really was an impossible situation but not every situation is what MN makes you think. There are many situations where women are making bad decisions anyway.

If your grandad is abusive, your dad is abusive, your brothers are abusive, the boys on your street are abusive, you will more than likely end up with an abusive man…you won’t know any different, and by the time you do it’s too late..

Except it's those "mistake"'s taxes that are going to be supporting you in your old age love.

Or would you prefer to create such a hostile environment to have children in that young women vote with their wombs and refuse to have children at all as is happening in South Korea, sparking a full blown demographic crisis?

I’m a single mum, no involvement from DDs father, no CM. I work part time every weekend, study during the week. My parents are my childcare for work. I do not understand how other single mums afford to not work unless their CM is a decent amount. I claim everything I can through UC, and I’m left with about £20 spare each month. I’m exhausted to the bone.

I was refering to women who have no thought to how they are going to bring up their child. Not women who suddenly thrown into extremely challenging situation further down the line.

I have read a thread in Mumsnet of a university student who thought she could travel Europe and expect housing to be provided because of her baby. The father was a student and she thought he shouldn't have to provide.

Another women seemed to think it was her MIL's responsibility to provide accommodation food etc...

I don’t know what can be done but as a single parent who works and has an ex who thinks his children aren’t really his responsibility it’s tricky. I don’t feel like I struggle financially but have to be careful. I rent privately if I had to find another home I would be struggling due to private landlords not accepting people on benefits, needing a guarantor, and some letting agents requesting a ridiculous amount of money up front. Maybe the answer for example is that eow childcare isn’t shared parenting and more responsibility needs to be encouraged for shared parenting but every situation is different.

That's not really true, though is it, @Loadofbullox?!

I don't think anyone is trying to say single Mums are 'helpless victims to horrible men'.

There’s 5 of you in a similar position can you guys not organise between you for childcare? Or you all put in to pay 1 person to do pick up and drop offs?

shared housing so you can split rent mortgage on a larger house?

most of the single mums I know operate like this and act as support and villages to one another in this way. 5 people in the same position trying to do the same thing individually rather than teaming up is poor solution planning.

Yes I do realise it isn’t black and white. I was talking about the women who settle for men they know won’t step up before they have children.
if you read my post again, you will understand that. Baby view indeed 🤷‍♀️

Agree with this!

Great answer. I hate it when people - especially women - try to gatekeep what is meant by a 'single' parent (especially when that they think is in contrast to to the dictionary AND accepted/everyday meaning).

I'm another single mum who is currently mid online MA (part time), whilst working (full time). I was also working when I got pregnant and havent been out of work for more than one month since graduation unless you count mat leave. I've never been in reciept of any benefits. That doesn't make me better than anyone else, it's just the result of generational wealth. As us single mothers come from all walks of life plenty of us are not on any type of benefits. There's no one size fits all type of single mother, but there are generalisations, assumptions and stigma. Also plenty of single mothers complete further education online, it's very flexible and convenient.

Possibly one of the biggest issues is that nowadays women want to have a productive, interesting, fulfilling life that isn’t just bound up in raising children, which if done properly, is an achievement in itself, but I doubt for most is the be all and end all of actually being alive? Even with a supportive partner, shared parenting/home tasks, I am sure that some will want a bit more than just a 24/7 caring for baby day? I think these are the kind of questions that couples need to talk seriously about, and then work out a plan so that each member of this little unit gets what it needs. Baby/child gets full attention, physical requirements, moving into developmental requirements and stimulus, Dad gets to do his bit hopefully without too much criticism if a bit kack handed at first, Mum gets a bit of time away from the baby without stressing about things, then moving back towards going back to a paid role, or if agreed doing the SAHM role, but not as the only parent contributing. Personally, I wouldn’t have contemplated having a child and relying upon benefits other than child allowance and whatever free nursery payments there are, but I know some have to for one reason or another. Likewise, I would have made sure that I had secure, trusted backup with help so that I wouldn’t have felt torn apart by not being able to care for a child, but also wanting a life of my own. Different of course if something comes along and upsets the apple cart a few years in, but as a starting base it’s possibly best to get the plans in place first in terms of finances, help, shared parenting. I remember growing up (in a loving, stable, making do financially household) it being explained to me that having a child is a huge responsibility, a lifelong commitment, and to think carefully before committing to a serious relationship, what I wanted to do, what I wanted out of life, as mistakes aren’t an option in terms of children.

Yes, but you do sound more than a tad "Poor me, poor me...".
I get it to a certain degree as been treated quite poorly as a result of my struggles whilst being a single Mum.
But, that is not the same as being treated poorly because of being a single Mum.

Exactly this. It shouldn't be about arguing who pays for childcare. Childcare needs to be A LOT cheaper, more flexible and lots more of it. Only government action/support will enable that to happen. Along with that, we need a big push to get BOTH parents working, and part timers increasing their hours. That way the increased productivity and tax revenue will pay for the increased costs of improving childcare.

I've always worked full-time. Losing the kid's dad did not change that. I've always studied too, again that didn't change after his death but it did get harder. Not only was I now fully responsible for all aspects of housekeeping, life admin, and child raising but I was dealing with grief and managing the grief of two teenaged girls.

I would never judge any parent who was unable to work harder or study more due to being single because it is fucking hard. Especially when you add in the trauma of grief or abuse.

And that is without even considering that society needs low earners to function properly. Those single mums/benefits scum/disabled part-time and low-income workers who are constantly looked down upon and shit on are our nurses, teaching assistants, carers, childminders, lollipop ladies, etc etc etc. They deserve a decent quality of life regardless of their will or ability to earn a degree or pass a certification.

The tax system needs to change. Single adult households get hammered for tax and there's very little support. Tax per household income would be better.