To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

[Flowersinthehood]

I don’t know if this is the norm or just my social circle I’m in but my five closest friends are all single mums. Three of them have become single mum's in the last two years, two have been single mums since their children were babies. I’m in the middle.
How they are coping with it seems to vary so much depending on level of income, type of job, support network, the nature of the split, their children and their ages/ characters/ SEN, whether there a homeowner, MH.
However there are struggles for all of us.

Childcare is too short, hard to get and expensive. It’s super difficult to find a house to rent. UC, if you get it, doesn’t pay childcare in advance so for something like the school holidays is a huge outlay, especially for more than one child. Yes these costs should be shared but in a domestic abuse or coercive control situation, ex H’s aren’t always involved.
Very often women get trapped not working and it’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because the barriers to get back in the workplace are huge, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.
The housing situation is hugely biased. No single parent who gets benefits, even ones who work can find a private tenancy. Discrimination, although supposedly outlawed, is still rife.
Flexible working, again, not easy to obtain.
WFH roles are harder to get, most only let you WFH after a period of time. Yet at the same time, childcare is being reduced due to the amount of people WFH.

I suppose my thoughts are that none of these help women leave unhappy, potentially dangerous or abusive relationships.
On MN I see a lot of ‘LTB’ but with no actual support when women actually do. It feels very much like the only women who are allowed to leave, according to MN, are those who own a property in their own name, earn six figures and have a car.
What about the rest of us?
Do governments feel that making things hard is necessary? Would women be having more babies in short term or non sustainable relationships if we made things better for women?

I know two women who married their long term stable partner, bought a house, did everything the ‘right way’. One was beaten up badly, one was cheated on and left. Let’s not ignore the figures on VAWAG and imagine all those women and female children were somehow ignoring red flags.

This is disingenuous. You know it's not the same.

There’s a lot of truth in that some - far too many - women make shit choices with the father of their child. You only have to read MN for a few weeks to see an endless litany of women with low self esteem and low aspirations who can’t see their partner is a selfish or abusive or simply a crappy person.

I think society should educate women better and stop the romantic claptrap that so many men benefit from without doing a single thing beyond the occasional “love you to bits, babe”.

Women walk into disastrous relationships with their eyes shut far too often.

and other women do have bad luck, good men who die for example. But after a long life, it seems to me that women are very much more often the victims of their own wishful thinking.

This is true but MN never admits to women taking responsibility. It's either one or the other, it can't just be both.

WFH roles are harder to get, most only let you WFH after a period of time. Yet at the same time, childcare is being reduced due to the amount of people WFH.

That is ridiculous, because if you are WFH you cannot be caring for your children at the same time. Perhaps as a one off in an emergency but not as a daily thing.

WTAF

Who is the royal ‘we’. Sure, no body is stopping your from supporting your single mum friends. What’s with the vritue signalling, have you actually done anything to help or you just coming on here to lecture others.

In any case, ‘we’ don’t need to do more. The feckless dads can do more. And the single mothers who have multiple kids with these multiple feckless wasters can also do more. By managing their reproductive choices better. Let’s start there.

Well, I did try that but then the bastard went and died on me.

Are you a man?

Men usually wait until they’ve trapped you in a marriage with children before showing their true selves, ie useless and abusive.

Some mums are single due to bereavement. Is this their fault also?

I had four children before my long term partner decided to have an affair and leave us pretty much out of the blue. Youngest was 2yo.

I’ve had to do pretty much everything since then by myself, with support from my family. I definitely lost my earning potential as had to take a job around the children. Children’s dad has always paid erratically and last year paid nothing (youngest is now 15) and hasn’t seen any of them for about 6 months not even at Christmas.

The support I needed was cheaper childcare and a housekeeper! Someone who could have been home to cook a meal each evening would have been perfect especially when I didn’t finish work til after 6pm.

I do agree it’s difficult, some of my friends are single parents, but I’m not sure that I agree it’s up to the government to provide this help. There is already a good amount of support there, free hours now from 9 months to help with childcare costs, those on UC can have up to 85% of childcare paid, rolling out free breakfast clubs will help extend the available working hours of many parents, lots of jobs offer flexible working, you can receive housing benefit/UC child element to help keep you afloat etc.

What needs to change really is Child Maintenance. We need huge reform there, more powers, bigger teeth to go after those who don’t pay & more enforcement people on the ground to actually look into things and find out what is owed. One of my friend’s baby dad is on benefits and so only has to pay £7 per week according to CMS, yet we know full well he’s been to New York, Paris and Iceland so far this year, he’s driving around in a nearly brand new BMW, he’s eating out multiple times a week every week from his socials and I’m not talking KFC I’m talking steak houses and posh restaurants, wearing a £500 gold necklace… I could go on. He’s working cash in hand, he knows it, it’s obvious, we all know it, she’d told CMS, who have basically said… tough 🙃 they go by what is reported via HMRC, and they simply don’t have the man power or the legal power to go after these people. That’s what would make the biggest difference to single parents, make sure that NOT paying for your kids isn’t an option.

@Annajones101and the average MN poster who’s left a sexless marriage with her husband after she grew more and more resentful of him not picking up more after they had children? Does she not get your sympathy either? Should she have used birth control instead of having two planned and much wanted children?
We’re not all fag ash Lil’s you know, as much as you want us to be. It is an inconvenient truth that many more single mums are well educated, middle class women. That said, the system is 100% against us.

Unfortunately I can’t see it getting better. I’m not sure if it’s my age group or just my social circle, but all the fathers I know (apart from one) are loving, caring, supportive and don’t see childcare as women’s work. I have also noticed they seem to respect women in authority (I work in a very male dominated industry)

I am concerned with the rise of the incel culture encouraging women to be treated like second class citizens. How can we raise women to be self sufficient, confident, and capable? I honestly think some women would have been better off going to a sperm bank having read some of the posts on here. At least they know they’re going to be a single parent and can plan for it.

This.

i grew up in a lone parent family. I did not have kids until I could support them by myself. If dh left or dropped dead tomorrow I would be fine financially.

women need to realise giving up work and being financially reliant on men can backfire if he then leaves. As o/p points out, getting back into the workforce is not easy, and quite often it means a minimum wage or entry level job and working your way up again.

if you want to be ok as a single parent you need to keep your financial independence. Don’t give up work. Childcare is a short term cost but the long term benefits in earning power and pension far outweigh.

that would be my advice to my dd. Get yourself set up in a decent job and financially stable, then think about kids. Then do not stop working.

I only know one dad who left his three children and he went on have another two with another woman. His contributions drastically reduced. He’s now left her and is with someone else and having another baby. My friend gets even less now, it’s mad how his desire to impregnate the world should leave his previous wives having to pick up the slack.

Men usually wait until they’ve trapped you in a marriage with children before showing their true selves, ie useless and abusive.

I don't think this is true for most men. Most men happily are themselves and show themselves to be feckless after the honeymoon phase (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month) of the new relationship. Many women are happy to stay in a relationship with a feckless man just so they have a man. You can see posts upon posts on here with women complaining about their irresponsible boyfriends and partners when the simple answer is to leave the idiot. Yet they stay hoping and trying to change him. Some then go on to have kids and wonder why being a father didn't change him into a saint. Tale as old as time.

Some mums are single due to bereavement. Is this their fault also?

Another disingenous question. You know this is different.

Can I ask OP, other than CMS, which is a joke, what system is it that you think is against you?

UC pay child element, housing benefit, up to 85% of childcare, if you aren’t entitled to UC you can still get free childcare hours from 9 months+, you can also use tax free childcare if eligible, free breakfast clubs will extend available working hours at participating schools which may then be rolled out further, I’m not sure what else you think it is that the government should be doing to step in?

As I say, CMS needs sorted, but other than that I don’t really think this is a “the government needs to fix this” issue

There are too many employers who are insisting on people being in an office full time, or more days in a week than achieves the benefits of being together in an office. Instead of dealing with the shirkers and those not up to the jobs for other reasons. Easier and less costly to have to arrange after school care for a limited number of days per week, I expect.

We also need to be ensuring that fathers pay their share, and those who do not or behave unreasonably have a meaningful sanction (I am not referring to criminal actions such as violence against women).

This is exactly the issue & is why I would say CMS needs to be reformed, it needs more power, more visibility, they need to be more proactive in checking & assessing, and more powerful in terms of penalty & punishment for not paying

Children of both sexes should be taught about relationships, what is/isn't acceptable behaviour, responsibility and consequences, how to spot warning signs, and so on. The root of the problem needs to be tackled, but that will take generations to filter through.

Currently, the fathers need to be made to properly support their offspring, although how you get the feckless ones to do it, I don't know. There doesn't seem to be any repercussions for non payment at the moment. That needs to change. It comes down to education and responsibility doesn't it?

For those who are bereaved, maybe the current bereavement payment period should be extended? You currently get a lump sum and then a year and a half of monthly payments. Perhaps that should extend until the surviving parent's circumstances change or the child reaches 18.

That hasn't been my experience of being a single Mum at all.

Who is “we”?

I know one single mother who's ex really is useless and doesn't pay anything towards the kids and she does struggle. He was useless when they were together before they had kids and just got worse.

The other single mums I know have it pretty good. Involved Dads who pay for their kids and have them 3 days a week which leaves the mums with some free time. One has even gone back to uni to retrain and her ex has the kids whilst she does placements etc and still pays maintenance. I realise this is probably unusual but I don't think all single Mums are helpless victims to horrible men.

With regards to support I think more should be done to make the other parent provide but other than that I'm not sure what other support could exist.

There doesn't seem to be any repercussions for non payment at the moment.

It's unfortunate and there should be. Feckless dads are often left to live their lives in peace while the mums bear most of the burden.

The child support payment system in the US seems a lot more unforgiving of fathers who won't/can't take care of their kids financially. They can even go to prison if they aren't paying child support as required. We should implement this system here for fathers (it's usually fathers though but yes mothers can also be required to pay child support to the dad depending on the family situation and who the main/resident parent is).

I think it’s also just worth stating that you aren’t a ‘single mother’ (or parent) if the other parent is involved. I find that deeply offensive to those who really are doing it alone. If you share custody/ the father is involved financially and with their time then you’re NOT a single mother, you’re a co-parent.