Still so sad

[Mollylegs]

Hi, sorry for posting here if I get removed I understand. I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself and not being able to cope at all. My husband left over two years ago for somebody else and I'm still pretty heartbroken and I know I should be feeling better but I think mitigating circumstances haven't helped. I was made to feel it was my fault by him and my MIL saying my depression and being agoraphobic made him sad so he found someone else. My husband got us to move here when my son was small, I can see my MIL house from my window, I ended up having no friends only my MIL and SIl, I pretty much only went out of the house with him or my MIL and that got less and less to the point I was too nervous to go anywhere. Mostly my own fault cause I could have gone out whenever I wanted. So now two and a half years in and I have no friends at all and don't leave my home. I still miss him pretty much the whole of the day and sit here in tears. I have called the Samaritans twice in this time as it has felt quite unbearable. I would never, ever harm myself as I have my beautiful son. He is my lifeline and I would be lost without him, or more to the point I wouldn't be here without him. He does enjoy his life and going out with his mates a lot before people think I rely on him too much. In truth though I'm so not over his dad who was the love of my life, I miss him terribly everyday and spend my days thinking about him and the person he ran off with. She is a mother of four kids to four different dads and I wonder if she enjoyed wrecking my family. She was known to our family for twenty two years so knew full well he was married but obviously doesn't care. So after all the misery he has brought upon me why on earth do I still really miss him, still sit here thinking of the holidays they are going on and all the things he should be doing with me and my son and not with someone else. I miss my husband so much every day and I just wish I had my life back cause right now I'm just existing for my boy and I feel so broken. Thank you if you have read till the end, no judgement please or telling me how pathetic I am as I already know.

Have you seen your GP or had any counselling?

Hi @DustyLee123 I've spoken to my GP over time and I had six sessions with talking therapies but not for a long tome now and the sessions didn't cover a huge amount.

The best revenge is a life well lived. You need to focus on your own life and the changes that need to be made.
Is sitting in your living room pining for your cheating ex really going to be your legacy in this life?
I know this sounds harsh and I’m sorry. But pandering isn’t going to work as well as a kick up the bum!
I wish you well x

Time to draw a line and heal. Make plans and keep busy - organise the house, phone up some local Clubs - look to move home! You can stay in the same area for school but honestly I would change the scene .

You have had your heart broken. However, you can choose to spend the rest of your life in misery or you can make changes. Counselling would be a good idea. But I see you've tried that. Have you got a job? You need to start doing things and meeting people even if you'd rather not.

Thank you @JMSA I'm finding it very difficult hence my post but I do get I'm feeling sorry for myself, thank you for replying.

It’ll feel overwhelming at first but, move! Go back where you know people. Stop living opposite your ex MIL!

I get it, I do. My ex husband cheated on me and left me with our 3 children. I was broken for a while and I’m some ways, still am. I can’t imagine trusting another man. But there is no way I’m going to hide away from the world because of what he did!

Basically, you need to move on, even though I know it’s hard.

Thank you @DrummingMousWife I'm finding it very difficult at the moment, I have fought my ex for ages to keep this house, it's my sons home and my safe space, I maybe just need some help.

Thanks @Viviennemary I know I need to change things I just can't physically do it. its so very hard to explain. I only had 6 counselling sessions which wasn't enough to be honest.

Hello @Mollylegs I'm really sorry you're feeling so low and hurting so much.
Couple of things. I think some more counselling or therapy would really help. Is that possible? You can even get counselling or therapy online nowadays if leaving the house is so difficult. Or a mix of face-to-face and online so that you can be consistent and still attend sessions when you're at home.
Second thing is - you still live opposite ex-MIL? That's terrible and can't be helping. You need to move. Any chance of this?
Wishing you well. 💐

@MyGardenHasGreatTits yes it isn't ideal living here but I do feel a bit of why should he drive us out of our home too!

@JMSA thanks, sorry it happened to you too x

Because it could be what’s best for you?
You need counselling to help reframe your thoughts, otherwise it’s just going to be excuse after excuse for making no positive change.

I’ve had agoraphobia and it takes over your life.
You are stuck thinking about your husband because you are physically isolated and to be blunt your mind has nothing else to think about.
Your home may feel like a safe space but it’s become like a prison for you. Trapped with memories of your ex.
Again, being blunt, life didn’t sound too wonderful when he was there either.
Somebody asked me this once - if you were given a year to live, would you live it like you have the last one?
Of course the answer would be no.
You do need help, but you also need friends. I discovered the best way of getting out of my thoughts was to find something to do helping others. You get a real sense of how lucky you are. And you meet others, and move on.
In the end, I did get therapy which helped but I made a decision to do take responsibility for myself. I felt as you did now and was so hard on myself.
And you don’t want your son to be messed up seeing his mum live like this. Don’t make him your reason to live it’s too much pressure.
You deserve to live but you have to make the decision to live. Not exist. There is a whole world out there waiting for you to join in.
I started by walking around my back garden. Then the front one. Then the gate. Then the end of the road.

Thank you @heldinadream I couldn't afford private counselling I'm afraid although I do feel it would help, I will probably end up having to sell our home if the government get their way and I stop receiving my PIP as I won't be able to afford my home anymore, that alone has me sick with worry x

Given that he’s gone, and he is not coming back, what do you want to happen now? Only you can move from where you are now to where you want to be. Only you, and only now. So what is one thing you can do today towards feeling better? And what will you do tomorrow? That’s all that it will take. Over to you.

Hi @JMSA I can't afford counselling unfortunately x

Hi @PeggyMitchellsCameo thanks for replying, its a crushing feeling that leaves it hard to breath. I know I need to do something but it's very hard when your so afraid. I make sure my son thinks I'm ok cause it isn't fair to himbut I'm not stupid he can obviously see it. x

Hi @EveryKneeShallBow I know it seems that simple but if that were the case I'd have done it, sorry I know you make sense but its so hard.

Go out. Every single day. The anxiety will spike and you have to withstand it and keep going, and it'll die down eventually. I've been there and I promise you that avoidance makes the fear stronger, you have to keep doing what you fear you can't and it turns it to something you can do. I went from being unable to to even sit in the car and put my seatbelt on, to having basically a normal life with going abroad on holidays, working, meeting a new partner, new friends. I did it so you can do it.

Download one of those mental health wellness apps, and do it every day.

When you're able to go out more you won't be spending all you time thinking about your ex. Don't give him all you energy and headspace.

You are the only person who can make your life better. Make a better life for you and for your son.

Are you divorced or is the process at least underway? That seems an important step in detaching from him and beginning the rest of your life.

Hi @Nameychangington do you mind me asking if you got support in getting outside? who did you get help from? thank you x

Hello @AnneLovesGilbert my divorce came through a few months back.