Still so sad

[Mollylegs]

Hi, sorry for posting here if I get removed I understand. I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself and not being able to cope at all. My husband left over two years ago for somebody else and I'm still pretty heartbroken and I know I should be feeling better but I think mitigating circumstances haven't helped. I was made to feel it was my fault by him and my MIL saying my depression and being agoraphobic made him sad so he found someone else. My husband got us to move here when my son was small, I can see my MIL house from my window, I ended up having no friends only my MIL and SIl, I pretty much only went out of the house with him or my MIL and that got less and less to the point I was too nervous to go anywhere. Mostly my own fault cause I could have gone out whenever I wanted. So now two and a half years in and I have no friends at all and don't leave my home. I still miss him pretty much the whole of the day and sit here in tears. I have called the Samaritans twice in this time as it has felt quite unbearable. I would never, ever harm myself as I have my beautiful son. He is my lifeline and I would be lost without him, or more to the point I wouldn't be here without him. He does enjoy his life and going out with his mates a lot before people think I rely on him too much. In truth though I'm so not over his dad who was the love of my life, I miss him terribly everyday and spend my days thinking about him and the person he ran off with. She is a mother of four kids to four different dads and I wonder if she enjoyed wrecking my family. She was known to our family for twenty two years so knew full well he was married but obviously doesn't care. So after all the misery he has brought upon me why on earth do I still really miss him, still sit here thinking of the holidays they are going on and all the things he should be doing with me and my son and not with someone else. I miss my husband so much every day and I just wish I had my life back cause right now I'm just existing for my boy and I feel so broken. Thank you if you have read till the end, no judgement please or telling me how pathetic I am as I already know.

So sorry that you are feeling so sad. It's an awful situation to be in when you feel that you can't see a way out. As others have said, I too think you would probably benefit from some long term counselling or therapy but I appreciate you can't afford it. It's very difficult.
Do you mind if I ask where you live? Just roughly ofc! You mentioned being 'up here', did you move up north from the south?

OP, where are you? If you’re in my city, I’ll come and take you out for a cuppa. You just need a friend x
Otherwise please do try to be proactive. Look into befriending charities where someone can come round for a chat, look for counsellors who will charge only what you can afford (some offer this), or even look into rescuing a pet. Just something that will give you a new focus.

Have you looked in to charities for agrophobia, sometimes you can get counselling via charity routes. Itl be hard for you to move on with him when you aren't really living and are stuck inside dwelling on it all. I'd be focusing on that first and foremost because if you can overcome that and get out and start living your life with hobbies, making new friends, working. You will find it easier to move on from him.

OP you should be under regular psychiatric review if you literally can’t leave the house due to agoraphobia. You would be entitled to support workers who would accompany you on brief trips out to help you. You have a significant illness, which you clearly already had before your husband left you, and a few counselling sessions isn’t enough.

I don’t think living in sight of of your MIL house is helping you to move on. I think moving to a new home, even in the same town, might give you a fresh perspective.

You say that house is your son’s safe place, but wouldn’t that apply to wherever you live? He is used to that house, for sure, but he too might come to enjoy a change of scenery especially if it made you happier. Is he old enough to have a conversation about this with?

Hi @RuxpinT it does feel like I can't see a way out, I know it seems silly to some but it isn't just a case of opening the door and stepping out. I live in the North East and I am from there I just don't have a family network. xx

I got a support worker for mine and it changed my life.

I had some counselling which helped but also went online and found other people's blogs and groups. This helped me firstly see I wasn't a complete freak, that other people struggle with agoraphobia too; and secondly see what others had done so I could try it out and use what helped me. You can easily find stuff online for free. I never posted in groups etc but I read a lot.

I also found it helpful to learn what actually happens when you go into panic, that it's your 'fight or flight' system which is meant to keep you safe in an emergency, kicking in when you don't need it. That the physical symptoms and the panic are incredibly horrible, but they're not dangerous and more importantly , they will subside if you push through. When you're in panic you feel like it'll get worse and worse and you won't be able to stand it, but that's not true. And you run away or avoid and the panic goes down, but all that does is tell your 'fight or flight' system that it was right to panic, and make it more likely to kick off the next time. So it's vital that when you start to feel the symptoms, you don't run away, you stand it til it lessens. That teaches your 'fight or flight' to calm the fuck down and stop getting triggered so easily. So when I start panicking, and feel the physical symptoms, I have to tell myself over and over 'I'm fine, this will pass'. And it does. And yours will too.

And I had to leave the house every single day, without fail. If I don't interact in the world, my world gets smaller, and when I do more, the more I can do. It'll never be completely effortless, but I can do stuff now with no issues that seemed like an impossible dream once. You can do that too.

Hi @JMSA I didn't know there was befriending charities or counselors that worked that way. It's very hard not having friends, I won't burden my son with it but your right its so hard having no one x

Thank you @TimeForABreak4 I haven't been to any charities, thank you I will have a closer look x

OP please speak to your GP again about your agoraphobia. I’m a GP, and if you were my patient you would be under the care of psychiatry and you’d have a support worker and a community psychiatric nurse.

My guess is that you’re focusing on the loss of your husband, which is distracting health care professionals from the underlying agoraphobia, which is the main issue here.

Ask anyone who has ever been left by a husband/boyfriend, or gone through any kind of heartbreak. Ultimately the only thing that enables you to get over it is distraction, and filling the void. And if you’re not able to leave the house due to agoraphobia, you will never find a life to replace your old one.

Hi @SalfordQuays I have never been offered anything regarding reviews or counselling and my GP does know how I am, maybe they don't have enough funding or something.

Do you think you might be in the process of grieving, for your lost marriage and for what might have been? Grieving can be a tricky business, and its not just a case of 'get over it'.

Hi @Nameychangington thank you for all your advice, I have had a few trips to the bathroom just talking about it on here this morning. I feel sick just talking about going outside x

Hi @Lurkingandlearning Yes my son is old enough to chat to, I think it's me really though, its my safe space too, I just try not to watch them staring as they go by or I just close the curtains x

@Mollylegs you need to work to fix this.

Otherwise you are going to be a huge burden on your son. The mother who can't cope. What a fucking nightmare for him.

I'm sure you don't want that.

If you really really can't psych yourself up to leave the house and go for a small walk then you need to push and push for help and research what is available elsewhere.

Do you have any hobbies? Do you participate in any online socialising associated with them? I ask because I do and as far as I know loads of hobbies now have active online communities. These often spill over into real life friendships (albeit with all the safety precautions about people you meet on the internet).

My sewing buddies supported me massively when my Dad died.

I think the best thing you can do is to plan a life change. You need to move to another area so that you can start fresh. Staying where you are is locking you in time. This can't be your life xx

Hi @SalfordQuays it's quite mind numbing trying to find things to watch on TV. I suffer with arthritis so I stopped managing to cross stitch, hold a pen to colour in and such yonks ago. I will try and see if I can get a phone app with my GP, like pulling teeth at the moment x

Thank you so much @Thelnebriati I do still feel extremely sad and not over it yet x

Ask your GP if you can get grief therapy on the NHS. I'm not promising they will agree or that it will help, but I think you need something that's more specific to the situation you are in.
And I know you don't feel like it, but try to look around locally for some groups you can join, because it won't be doing you any good being stuck in your own head all the time. Try an activity like a litter picking group where you can focus on doing something manageable and positive.

Hi @BeaTwix I try to be very aware of not being a burden to my son, he is a 20 year old who has a job and is out socialising with friends, he has lads holidays and is at different gigs all the time, I promise I'm not a burden. I am wanting a different lifestyle so I don't become more of a burden as he gets older thanks

Hi @Itrymybestyesido I wouldn't want to move my son away from work and friends and things he does locally, Thank you xx

Thank you @Thelnebriati I can try asking and fingers crossed but I'm sure there are people a lot worse off than me who will be at the top of that list x

I'm with you, I really am. That feeling sick is your 'flight or flight' overreacting, as it's got in the habit of doing. It will have to relearn it's place, and it'll be challenging for you, not trying to say it's easy because it's not. But you can do it. Feel sick, and walk to the end of the path. If you do it enough, your 'fight or flight' gets the idea. It's trained to overreact about going out, and you have to retrain it to settle down. That's what you have to do, and it's hard, and a lot of people don't get it, but look at how many people on this thread have been kind and supportive! People who don't know you want to help you and want you to succeed. And you really can.

Hey OP 👋…
Sorry to hear things are so shit 😔….
Ive read what everyone else has to say & I think the advice you got to walk around your back garden , then to the gate & then to bottom of the block / road , whatever, but outside the gate is amazing advice & best place to start for you 💯 ..
You’re in your head all the time because of your isolation…
Also great advice the wellness Apps, there is free on line Counselling aswel, you should look into that too ..
The first step to getting better for you is to be able to leave house ..
It’s all steps for you & you have to start at step 1 ..
You can do it .. Good luck x x