Still so sad

[Mollylegs]

Hi, sorry for posting here if I get removed I understand. I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself and not being able to cope at all. My husband left over two years ago for somebody else and I'm still pretty heartbroken and I know I should be feeling better but I think mitigating circumstances haven't helped. I was made to feel it was my fault by him and my MIL saying my depression and being agoraphobic made him sad so he found someone else. My husband got us to move here when my son was small, I can see my MIL house from my window, I ended up having no friends only my MIL and SIl, I pretty much only went out of the house with him or my MIL and that got less and less to the point I was too nervous to go anywhere. Mostly my own fault cause I could have gone out whenever I wanted. So now two and a half years in and I have no friends at all and don't leave my home. I still miss him pretty much the whole of the day and sit here in tears. I have called the Samaritans twice in this time as it has felt quite unbearable. I would never, ever harm myself as I have my beautiful son. He is my lifeline and I would be lost without him, or more to the point I wouldn't be here without him. He does enjoy his life and going out with his mates a lot before people think I rely on him too much. In truth though I'm so not over his dad who was the love of my life, I miss him terribly everyday and spend my days thinking about him and the person he ran off with. She is a mother of four kids to four different dads and I wonder if she enjoyed wrecking my family. She was known to our family for twenty two years so knew full well he was married but obviously doesn't care. So after all the misery he has brought upon me why on earth do I still really miss him, still sit here thinking of the holidays they are going on and all the things he should be doing with me and my son and not with someone else. I miss my husband so much every day and I just wish I had my life back cause right now I'm just existing for my boy and I feel so broken. Thank you if you have read till the end, no judgement please or telling me how pathetic I am as I already know.

You absolutely need to work on your agoraphobia and that needs to be the focus. Your life will be incredibly limited (as will anyone’s around you) until you can sort it. I don’t want to be harsh but you need to do it for your son.

You need to get yourself counselling and specialist help. Perhaps there are charities you can contact? Do you have anyone at all who you could ask for support from outside of his family (old friends/colleagues).

Just start small, walking to the postbox , park, corner shop, sons school etc. Build up a bit further each time, and then start working on going in places to buy something or joining a library etc. Start tomorrow and do it every day.

You can do this but you need to identify the root causes and why you’ve allowed this to happen.

@Mollylegs 🫂

Anxiety & agoraphobia are really hard to live with. Small steps & consistency is the answer- what you need to remember is the first couple of steps are the hardest, but once you've done them, it will get much easier.

What are you interests?
Putting aside your anxiety for a moment, what is it you liked to do or would like to do with your free time?

Book club? Walking group? Knitting circle? Cinema trips?

Hello @Mollylegs

first of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like you have had multiple problems in the past that have all come together along with your marriage ending.

I don’t think you should be thinking about moving and I don’t think you need to just go outside. You are not ready for that yet.

I would suggest you start small, whether that is reaching out to a charity who may be able to support you or chasing up your GP/local counselling services for support. Asking for help, like you have today, but with those who can then help you put a plan in place for you to do what you need or want to do.

there’s no timetable for you to follow and you only have to do what you want. So take some time to think about that. What is is that you want right now? What small thing can you do this week that will take you one step closer to feeling better?

well done on coming here today. You have done amazingly, been so brave and have started the process of healing. You have asked for help here, now you need to ask again out there in the world.

good luck

@Nameychangington there has been so much kindness on my post and I really do appreciate it, I know I probably seem bloody ridiculous to a lot of people but not all x

Hello @Squiggles23 this was allowed to happen as my husband didn't want me to go anywhere and now I can't help it.

Hi @PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe I'm not too sure what my interests actually are anymore. I'm sure I have them I just can't think of any, feeling anxious takes up a lot of my mind.

Thank you so much @tryingtobesogood you have made me cry. Its hard everyday to wake up and feel pretty useless to not even be able to answer the door never mind step over it. I have had lots of lovely people on here today. xx

@Mollylegs please don’t think I was meaning to say that it’s easy, you just need to …. That’s not what I meant at all. You have made a great first step by posting here, and you have had some brilliant ideas for some next steps - finding a charity, thinking about what interests and hobbies you might explore, or how you might make a friendly connection. These are all helpful and I hope you find the strength to explore some of them. My point is if you want something different you can find small ways to make it happen. Good luck!

It doesn't seem ridiculous to me, I've been there. And even the people who've posted who haven't been there haven't called you ridiculous as far as I can see. So maybe you could not call yourself that?

What happens with me is when I go into panic I'm totally caught up in the panic. Then afterwards the logical bit of my brain comes back in the room and has a go at me for being so stupid. Then I feel bad about myself. Sounds like that's what you're doing. But it's really unfair for the logical bit to come back after the fact and have a go at you, because that bit wasn't in charge, the 'fight or flight' bit was, and it was doing its job as best it can, trying to keep you safe (from stuff that's not actually dangerous, cos it's got a bit big for it's boots). Understanding that is what's going on really helped me be kinder to myself and to be less annoyed with myself. The panic isn't my enemy, it's trying to help me but it's cocking it up by jumping in when it doesn't need to. You are not ridiculous, you've just got a 'fight or flight' system that's got too big for it's boots and keeps jumping in when it's not needed to keep you safe from danger. That's all.

Thank you @EveryKneeShallBow I'm sorry for coming across rude, I feel I may have to go back and read through and apologise to people who I have been a bit rude with, I know everyone means well but it's so hard and I know I will be hurting my son without meaning too so it hurts to hear it xx

@Mollylegs if that’s the case then the best thing that could have happened was to break up with him and it’s no loss at all.

You can get back to your old self and where you were just have to take it one day at a time, the first steps are the hardest as another poster said. However, it will get easier and you’ve got this ❤️

Thanks @Squiggles23 sorry if I was rude earlier, I was waiting for mean comments and I'm slightly on the defensive, just ever so slightly wink wink x

In your OP, you say the agoraphobia is "mostly your own fault because you could have gone out whenever you wanted". But in a different post, you say your ExH didn't want you going out. These are quite different things. It might be worth having a proper think about what it is that worries you about leaving the house, and trying to work through that first.

A couple of things that jumped out at me though: the fact you fought hard to keep the house. I know you said it's because it's your son's home, but is there are a small part of you that wanted to stay there because it IS near your MIL's? Like you're perhaps hoping to see your ex when he goes to his mum's?

Like others have said, moving away would be the best thing you can do, even if it's just several streets away, so you're not constantly seeing your exH and his family coming and going. Every time you see them, it must be like another stab, reminding you what you've lost and that's not healthy. The other thing to bear in mind is that your son is 20, he may well want to move out in the next few years and then you really will be alone, opposite the ex's family.

You need to make a new network in a slightly different place (or very different, but small steps!) and the more you're involved in things other than thoughts of your ex and what you've lost, the more you'll be able to move on from him.

You won't move on if you"re stuck looking at your ex in-laws day in day out.

It's life breaking. I also cannot imagine how to move on and I'm over 70. You are younger than me and you must do this for yourself and your new life.

This thread is a few months old how are you @Mollylegs ?

Hi @Mollylegs Have you tried antidepressants? When I had agrophobia they helped so much and I was out and about again. Sending a hug x