To be 100% honest about kids/marriage intentions on first date?

GentleOliveFatball · 2025-03-22T12:08:02+00:00

My oldest daughter is only 20, however even on first/second dates with men she is honest about her intentions of "dating to marry" and is clear about not wanting to waste her time/setting firm boundaries. She also tells me she has conversations about wanting children in the future. (She is not going on blind dates, more like dating friends and friends of friends so they won't be complete strangers meeting for the first time.) She has told me all of this herself as we are close. She finsihed college last year and is working full time, she wants to travel at some point and I believe that's what she's saving up for. She currently rents a flat with two other girls. None of her friends or her are on dating apps (which is good I think) I'm impressed that she knows who she is and what she wants and I hope it works out for her... however it so far doesn't seem to be very successful as I don't think boys her age are very serious or want that level of commitment. How are your older kids meeting their partners and going about dating? I know she's an adult so I'm not getting involved/asking her too many questions, I'm just curious to know if her approach is normal/common nowadays as it is quite different to when I was her age!

Mumsntfan1 · 22/03/2025 12:13

Does she intend to marry/have children soon?

TwistedWonder · 22/03/2025 12:16

I have a son the same age and I think he would choke on his drink and make a hasty exit if a date discussed marriage and children on the first date. It’s too much too soon too young imo.

It’s great your DD knows her own mind but she needs to go on dates, have fun, enjoy getting out with different people and places before even thinking about settling down. Very very few people settle with someone they meet at 20

SmoothEncounter · 22/03/2025 12:17

Geez she’s needs to unclench and live a little, have some fun, great sex, enjoy being young and fabulous. She’s 20 - of course boys (and most girls) her age don’t want to be thinking about marriage and kids yet!
Sounds like she been influenced by the “sugar daddy/trad wife” sector of the internet. She has lots of time to “settle down”.

Woofle · 22/03/2025 12:18

That’s how I approached dating and it worked for me. A few years on tinder and was always honest. Met my husband at 19 (almost 20) and we moved in together in our 2nd year of uni. Then lived together throughout (both did 5/6 year courses). We then got our dog, adopted 5 cats, got married and bought our house at 25 with the intention of it being the family home as it’s a 5 bed. 3 months later and I fell pregnant with our first. I’m 29 weeks pregnant now with our baby boy. He will arrive 3 months before I turn 27, 7 years after we met

Daisyrainbows · 22/03/2025 12:19

I had this approach to dates (date 3 onwards) from when I was about 27 onwards. Before that it was dating just for fun :)

JillAndJenTheFlowerpotMen · 22/03/2025 12:20

Behaviour can be simultaneously reasonable and self-defeating. I expect that while it is logical to some, it comes across as a bit heavy/fast for others.

PermanentTemporary · 22/03/2025 12:20

I was absolutely clear to my late dh that I wanted children on the second date. So I support that approach. But I was 34 and already divorced (from a man who didn't want kids). My worry is that at her age, she is going to attract slightly unusual types with that approach, and one of the issues might be that they will be the sort who like to tie a woman down to exclusivity from about 30 minutes into meeting them. I personally have not had good experiences with that type of partner, or with that impulse in myself (see divorce above).

Worth talking about trying to meet more men as friends perhaps, to be a little less outcome-focused just yet. Maybe even some therapy- not because there is anything wrong with her, but just to understand herself.

Woofle · 22/03/2025 12:21

To clarify we’d been together over a year and a half when we moved in together

DaleyDerDrache · 22/03/2025 12:21

It worked for me. My husband and I were both very honest and upfront about the fact that we wanted marriage and a family young. We're 21 and 23 now and we're been married for two years and have a baby. We're very happy and confident in our choices.

Buttonknot · 22/03/2025 12:22

I think it's fine to mention early on that you would like children some day. But this sounds a bit more intense than that ("dating to marry"), and I think a lot of young men would find it off putting. Having said that, my DS is 19 and has been with his girlfriend (also 19) for 2 years and they seem to be very serious about each other, which seems very young to me.

distinctpossibility · 22/03/2025 12:24

I think on the first date is very soon but it makes sense to have that conversation within the first 3-6 months imo, before decisions get made involving the other person (even things like booking your "proper holiday of the year" with them in mind, never mind where to apply for jobs or whatever). Yes, even at aged 20. Better to find out before someone gets badly hurt.

I'm astonished by another thread at the moment where a woman is being told that 18 months is "early days" to be planning for / asking questions the future - just bizarre. You wouldn't embed into a job without knowing the potential likelihood of prospects and I see relationships as the same.

Fwiw not everyone enjoys dating casually or having sex without emotional attachment; I certainly didn't.

MotherOfRatios · 22/03/2025 12:24

I'm mid 20s, nothing wrong with dating apps btw.

Theres nothing with her approach but she's unlikely to find what she wants

Feelingstrange2 · 22/03/2025 12:25

These dating apps really have made it sound transactional!!

We just used to rack up at nightclubs, have a few too many beers, end the night with slow dances. Occasionally one would lead to a second date...maybe third. Eventually meet the parents (if you didn't already know them from school!) Then maybe have a holiday together.

...... at some point in all that marriage and kids were likely to be part of a conversation. Probably as a result of babysitting the neighbours kids and saying "thank goodness i can hand these back. Never want any. Do you?" Or...." can't wait until I have kids...can you?"

I'm sorry for young people if pre dating requires a risk assessment process!

CheesePlantBoxes · 22/03/2025 12:26

I think its fine to be upfront but she has time that she could maybe wait until the third date.

There will also be a lot of sorting the wheat from the chaff as most men her age aren't looking for that yet.

Having said that, studies show that men benefit from higher salaries if they marry young! So if she does pick one, he'll may be one thst benefits from the so called marriage premium.

Werthering · 22/03/2025 12:28

TwistedWonder · 22/03/2025 12:16

I have a son the same age and I think he would choke on his drink and make a hasty exit if a date discussed marriage and children on the first date. It’s too much too soon too young imo.

It’s great your DD knows her own mind but she needs to go on dates, have fun, enjoy getting out with different people and places before even thinking about settling down. Very very few people settle with someone they meet at 20

Edited

I don't think it's very very rare to meet your life partner at that age. I met mine in my late teens and know several other couples who have been together since that kind of life stage (we're now in our 40s). I don't think it's as common for people to marry the person they're dating at 20 as it is the person they're dating at 30, but I don't think it's that rare. Maybe 10-15%? But not 1%.

MotherOfRatios · 22/03/2025 12:28

Feelingstrange2 · 22/03/2025 12:25

These dating apps really have made it sound transactional!!

We just used to rack up at nightclubs, have a few too many beers, end the night with slow dances. Occasionally one would lead to a second date...maybe third. Eventually meet the parents (if you didn't already know them from school!) Then maybe have a holiday together.

...... at some point in all that marriage and kids were likely to be part of a conversation. Probably as a result of babysitting the neighbours kids and saying "thank goodness i can hand these back. Never want any. Do you?" Or...." can't wait until I have kids...can you?"

I'm sorry for young people if pre dating requires a risk assessment process!

Edited

Yes but it's pointless spending money dating when one question can reveal you're not compatible. For example I always ask about politics pre date as that's important and a non negotiable to me

Original poster

GentleOliveFatball · 22/03/2025 12:30

Just to clarify, I don't think she directly asks her dates about marriage/kids the first time they go on a date. However she did tell me that a question she always asks is, "when you are 80+ and looking back on your life, what do you want to see?" And the answers can be telling. I don't think that it a bad approach in itself however I do wonder if she's a little intense as it hasn't been working/she's never been in a long term relationship.
She's got friends that are boys so I feel like it would be okay for her to ask them for their opinions but I don't think she does that for whatever reason.
Again, I am trying not to get overly involved! Although hearing the stories people are sharing where this approach has worked out is lovely! 🫶

OP posts:

MotherOfRatios · 22/03/2025 12:31

GentleOliveFatball · 22/03/2025 12:30

Just to clarify, I don't think she directly asks her dates about marriage/kids the first time they go on a date. However she did tell me that a question she always asks is, "when you are 80+ and looking back on your life, what do you want to see?" And the answers can be telling. I don't think that it a bad approach in itself however I do wonder if she's a little intense as it hasn't been working/she's never been in a long term relationship.
She's got friends that are boys so I feel like it would be okay for her to ask them for their opinions but I don't think she does that for whatever reason.
Again, I am trying not to get overly involved! Although hearing the stories people are sharing where this approach has worked out is lovely! 🫶

I wouldn't pressure her to change tbh

Feelingstrange2 · 22/03/2025 12:31

Oh my. It really is transactional.

I didn't want kids....and then I did.(when I met a lovely ikkle lad in Sainsburys, of all.things! )

People change. Especially at 20!

There was an old saying that you'll know when you meet the right person. I don't think that's necessarily universally true. I don think people change though.

If this was older dating where there were previous divorces and children to bear in mind, I think it perhaps makes more sense. Views are less likely to change because others need taking into account and so cajoling ones mind isn't so easy to do.

At 20 though the world's your oyster so you can easily not want children one day and change the next .

Upstartled · 22/03/2025 12:32

I think it's absolutely fine to be upfront about what she wants from the relationship.

It might be harder and take longer to find a comparable partner who also wants to hit the ground running but it's infinitely better that hurtling through your fertile years playing the long game with men who aren't on the same wavelength.

Woofle · 22/03/2025 12:34

GentleOliveFatball · 22/03/2025 12:30

Just to clarify, I don't think she directly asks her dates about marriage/kids the first time they go on a date. However she did tell me that a question she always asks is, "when you are 80+ and looking back on your life, what do you want to see?" And the answers can be telling. I don't think that it a bad approach in itself however I do wonder if she's a little intense as it hasn't been working/she's never been in a long term relationship.
She's got friends that are boys so I feel like it would be okay for her to ask them for their opinions but I don't think she does that for whatever reason.
Again, I am trying not to get overly involved! Although hearing the stories people are sharing where this approach has worked out is lovely! 🫶

I hadn’t had a proper relationship until I met my husband. I think the most was maybe 15 dates with someone. That’s fine, I’m picky and knew what I wanted. It was worth waiting for (although I know 19 is hardly a long wait) and I had no interest in casual sex

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/03/2025 12:34

TwistedWonder · 22/03/2025 12:16

I have a son the same age and I think he would choke on his drink and make a hasty exit if a date discussed marriage and children on the first date. It’s too much too soon too young imo.

It’s great your DD knows her own mind but she needs to go on dates, have fun, enjoy getting out with different people and places before even thinking about settling down. Very very few people settle with someone they meet at 20

Edited

Yeah, dating to marry at 20 is a bit intense

Her 20s are for having fun 😭 and finding out who she is!

Good for her for being strong but I think she will change her mind

MotherOfRatios · 22/03/2025 12:34

Feelingstrange2 · 22/03/2025 12:31

Oh my. It really is transactional.

I didn't want kids....and then I did.(when I met a lovely ikkle lad in Sainsburys, of all.things! )

People change. Especially at 20!

There was an old saying that you'll know when you meet the right person. I don't think that's necessarily universally true. I don think people change though.

If this was older dating where there were previous divorces and children to bear in mind, I think it perhaps makes more sense. Views are less likely to change because others need taking into account and so cajoling ones mind isn't so easy to do.

At 20 though the world's your oyster so you can easily not want children one day and change the next .

Edited

Which is fine but some people don't change and I have a life to live rather than just settle with someone because they 'might change'. If more people had the hard conversations early it would be easier tbh

Surlydoors · 22/03/2025 12:38

My son is approaching 22 and has been with his current girlfriend for 2 years. He takes a similar approach to your daughter in that he makes clear early on that he doesn’t ever see himself as being interested in marriage or kids but probably does it in a jokey way rather than a serious scene setting. I’ve no doubt that his current girlfriend is interested in marriage and kids so will be interesting to see how it plays out for them. But right now they’re just enjoying being young

Rewis · 22/03/2025 12:38

Is she looking to have marriage and kids asap or just in general in life? If she's looking to start a family within a year then obviously good to bring it up.

But if she's looking for soemone looking for a relationship and down the line start a family then fist date is too quick. When I was 20, I was looking to have a relationship and eventually start a family. But if someone had brought is up on the first date, that would have been way too intense. Doing that on the first date in your late 30's is a totally doffernet thing.