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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be 100% honest about kids/marriage intentions on first date?

108 replies

GentleOliveFatball · 22/03/2025 12:08

My oldest daughter is only 20, however even on first/second dates with men she is honest about her intentions of "dating to marry" and is clear about not wanting to waste her time/setting firm boundaries. She also tells me she has conversations about wanting children in the future. (She is not going on blind dates, more like dating friends and friends of friends so they won't be complete strangers meeting for the first time.)
She has told me all of this herself as we are close. She finsihed college last year and is working full time, she wants to travel at some point and I believe that's what she's saving up for. She currently rents a flat with two other girls.
None of her friends or her are on dating apps (which is good I think)
I'm impressed that she knows who she is and what she wants and I hope it works out for her... however it so far doesn't seem to be very successful as I don't think boys her age are very serious or want that level of commitment.
How are your older kids meeting their partners and going about dating?
I know she's an adult so I'm not getting involved/asking her too many questions, I'm just curious to know if her approach is normal/common nowadays as it is quite different to when I was her age!

OP posts:

Onelifeonly · 23/03/2025 07:32

BruFord · 22/03/2025 23:54

My DD will be 20 this year and I don’t think she raises this topic so early on. Usually she’s just chatting and getting to know them during the first few dates and then they may start going out more regularly. She hasn’t felt serious about anyone yet though and lived anyone either. I don’t think she’s 100% sure whether she wants marriage or children.

It’s interesting people mentioning dating apps. DD and her friends don’t use them and they seem to meet ppl the old-fashioned ways, at parties, nights out, etc. Then they go out on a date the way we did back in ye olde 1990’s!

I wonder whether Gen Z’s are reverting somewhat to our tried and tested ways!

Edited

My dc have met their bfs through online gaming or Snapchat! They haven't gone to uni though.

fromthevault · 23/03/2025 07:49

batt3nb3rg · 22/03/2025 21:46

You don't need to be afraid of the world to not want to let men who you met while six drinks deep in a club put their strange penises inside you. Marriage is freedom from degeneracy, whereas I know many millenials and gen x-ers enjoyed the freedom to be degenerate in their younger years. Well, traditionally minded zoomers had the freedom to be degenerate and instead chose differently, and for me it's a choice I'm very proud of.

Though if we're talking about a broken generation, I would draw your attention towards the parallels between this phrasing and the commonly touted "daddy issues", which put the blame on a woman or girl for being emotionally impacted by abandonment, rather than perpetrator of said abandonment. Gen z had no political representation when decisions were being made to lock down countries and close schools, so if we have had our perspectives shaped and our goals and ideals altered by Covid measures, it is the fault of older generations. They have no place judging the ways we now choose to find happiness and fulfilment. My husband and I were enlightened by our experiences, not damaged by them - shown that the way our parents' generations lived and continue to live their lives were perverted and disordered.

Show quote history

Fucking hell.

BruFord · 23/03/2025 09:52

@Onelifeonly Online gaming is a new way of socializing though, it’s not a dating app!

Feelingstrange2 · 23/03/2025 11:13

I've been thinking about this and I wonder how such people cope when life chucks a huge spanner in the works? Are they sufficiently capable of adaptability?

What triggered my thoughts was a young couple I know where one of them has just been going through a dreadful diagnosis and all the huge challenges that creates over emotions, finances, and a possibly very different future than that which they expected. For someone with such an organised tick box approach to life - would they just check out and say, nah, this isn't what I signed up for?

Hankunamatata · 23/03/2025 14:48

CarpetKnees · 22/03/2025 23:41

At what age though @Hankunamatata ?

As a pp said, at 34, I can understand it.

But at 20, the usual interaction would be to see if you get on / have a laugh / enjoy it's other's company / share some interests / think the other person would be someone you'd enjoy seeing again. Spending a few evenings or days with someone to see how compatible you are in terms of the big things that are important.
At 20, not many people are making decisions about starting a family.

Well i was married in my early 20s

CarpetKnees · 23/03/2025 17:20

Fair enough @Hankunamatata - although '20' and 'early 20s' can still be 4 years apart. but as I said in my post "Most" 20 year olds. There will always be an exception to prove the rule.

CarpetKnees · 23/03/2025 17:22

Dating for fun (which, let's be honest, just means casual sex)

Speak for yourself.
Lots of people go out with other people to spend time with them and get to know them. There are plenty of people in the world who only have sex as part of a loving relationship - more, I'd suggest than those who have casual sex.

LadyNairne · 23/03/2025 18:11

There’s another thread running about how people became wealthy, and a common theme is that they got together with their life partner aged 18-22 - at university.

On that note it seems this focused twenty year old woman may be doing something right, being so direct to find the right partner

The question may be whether or not being so direct on the first date is effective to win a good partner. Remember “the rules”? Seems like all the “don’t scare him off” comments are another version of telling women to use those old tactics.

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