To be 100% honest about kids/marriage intentions on first date?

[GentleOliveFatball]

My oldest daughter is only 20, however even on first/second dates with men she is honest about her intentions of "dating to marry" and is clear about not wanting to waste her time/setting firm boundaries. She also tells me she has conversations about wanting children in the future. (She is not going on blind dates, more like dating friends and friends of friends so they won't be complete strangers meeting for the first time.)
She has told me all of this herself as we are close. She finsihed college last year and is working full time, she wants to travel at some point and I believe that's what she's saving up for. She currently rents a flat with two other girls.
None of her friends or her are on dating apps (which is good I think)
I'm impressed that she knows who she is and what she wants and I hope it works out for her... however it so far doesn't seem to be very successful as I don't think boys her age are very serious or want that level of commitment.
How are your older kids meeting their partners and going about dating?
I know she's an adult so I'm not getting involved/asking her too many questions, I'm just curious to know if her approach is normal/common nowadays as it is quite different to when I was her age!

I knew perfectly well who I was in my early twenties and married at 23yrs. I certainly didn't change my mind about who I was and wanting to settle and have a family.

I think the people that have had the most success in my circle of friends are the ones that met fairly young started building an empire together in their mid 20s. They will be Mortgage free by 45.
If they’ve had a couple of kids by that stage great
Versus some others that I’ve come across having their first child at 42
Which would work if they were mortgage free or at least close to it but often the child is the catalyst for needing to buy the house. And they’ve just got a lifetime of slog ahead of them.

I would say the same.

But this isn't "settling" with someone. It's dating at 20?

It sounds so intense.

Fine if its what she wants but if it were me dating her I'd think I was under interview! Now, a lot of really nice genuine partners would be really put off by that approach.

Neither did I! Everything we did together was working towards our goal. Extra shifts at work towards the house deposit, moving north to afford the forever family home, marriage at 25 and getting secure jobs that pay well to allow for TTC

My God, if someone broached that conversation at 20 with me I would have run a mile! She REALLY needs to chill out 🙈

It's fine that you didn't want kids until you were older. Why is it transactional though? Transactional implies "I'll do this for you if you do that for me". Whereas OP's DD is looking for someone who wants the same thing as her. Surely that's the opposite of transactional?

This. I mean, at 20, I had almost another 20 years before I contemplated marriage or children (by choice).

My young adult kids are her complete opposites and I can definitely relate more to them than your child's approach. Their biggest fear would have been to meet someone in their teens/early 20s and settle down. They both want to date many different types of people, they want to travel and have holiday flings and just have fun before it's time to find the one. Your learn so much about yourself and what you actually want from dating around. I think that is fairly normal at that age and they would definitely be scared off if they went on a first date and got the vibe from the other person that they are looking for their forever after person.

Which is fine I'm sure she's not holding a gun to people's head, it's fine for some not for others.

I would also be wondering what was so lacking in her life that she was on some demented fast-track to marriage and kids when she’s barely finished school, at a time when most peiole are interested in opening up their lives, not closing down opportunities.

Or, she can live the life she wants to live and find what works for her. Such judgement here. When I think of the time I wasted, doing all the things you describe, I wish I’d not bothered.

Why is it settling, as opposed to filtering? She's filtering to identify a partner who has the same instinct to start a lifelong partnership and build a home.

If she were filtering for someone who wanted to spend their twenties travelling - she could do that too. That wouldn't be settling either

Hmm, I wouldn’t have brought it up so young/so prematurely (on a first date or even after a few dates) personally. My husband is thoroughly decent and always wanted marriage and children but I think he’d have run a mile tbh. I think that conversation comes quite naturally when you start falling for each other and well after sex etc - but fair enough if people don’t want to sleep with people who aren’t the person they want to marry and have kids with. This is how it went when I met my husband at 27. I am so, so glad I didn’t settle with who I thought was my soulmate and had been with from 20-25. I was devastated when it ended but met someone far more suited to me. Tbh, I hope my daughters won’t want to settle so young but that’s their business if they do! But there’s a world out there beyond marriage and kids, as wonderful as both are when the time is right…

Also, online dating is a pretty common way to meet nowadays I think. There are some less desirable sorts to sift through but I met my lovely husband on Tinder. As long as it’s used safely…

Damn right I’m judging. In the OP’s shoes, I’d be really worried about her.

I think that's a hysterical reaction.

I know plenty of people who met their life partner at 19/20, at university. In my immediate and extended family with around 20 adults aged from 25 to 87, all apart from one are married to or with the person they met at university at around 20. Obviously the younger ones have only been together a few years so who knows what will happen but they certainly intend to stay together, others have been together many decades. The one who isn't got divorced but we must luckily be good at making choices as no other divorces. ( Not religious or anti divorce, in fact all atheists and strong feminist women who don't put up with any crap). Many of my friends are similar too.

I have always been up front about it. Having children is incredibly important to me, I would not want to waste my time if it wasn’t important to someone else. Maybe not on the first date but definitely by the second date. It didn’t scare my husband off, he felt the same.

I see it differently. I had two serious long term relationships before I met my husband late twenties. These two relationships ran from teen years to mid twenties. I don’t regret them one bit and certainly don’t see them as wasted time as they made me who I am today and taught me so much about myself, relationships and life and what I wanted and didn’t want from a spouse and marriage. We also had lots of fun together (inc travelling the world and lots of great experimental sex in my twenties so that’s out of my system 😂) while they lasted. I am genuinely glad I didn’t meet my husband younger as I’m not sure any of us were ready for our relationship and how seriously we both took it until we met.

BUT what I would say is we found TTC mid thirties ish straightforward. I think I’d feel differently if we didn’t and perhaps I’d wish we met and settled down a bit younger perhaps.

At 20? Wow ....

I'd have fun particularly if she plans to travel as that can kill relationships, I'd probably hold back on her approach for a few years. Personally I'd have been comfortable on the receiving end of that but many decent people just aren't ready at 20.

I think it would be worth rewording this as

"I've just been on a first date and they said they were looking for marriage and children and didn't want to invest any time or money in dating if this wasn't an end goal."

See what replies about red flags you get.

It's up to her how she approaches dating. They were some of the best times of my life (and we didn't have casual sex) ...fun,laughter, days out, nights out, sad break ups, break ups that are still friends now, and I still met someone compatible who I've been married to for 33 years and have a mortage free at 48 forever home.

That's a bit OTT I have requirements I ask pre date and it doesn't necessarily mean I want those things now. It just means I don't want to waste my time being with someone who wants the complete opposite so that when I'm ready to have the things I want then I want to know I'm with the right person rather than wasting time dating people who don't have the requirements that I want.

Just because you have non negotiables you want in a partner it doesn't mean you want to do everything now, it's more that just being on the same page doesn't waste any time

Some people aren’t interested in sex outside of serious relationships, and that’s perfectly fine.

But surely you understand that people are different? I would have loved to have settled down in my early twenties. At 24 I was so unbelievably broody it was torture and I had to wait another decade before I could finally be a mum. By 23 I'd been to university and worked abroad and I just wanted to find a nice man to marry and build a life with.

As it was, the world was full of dickheads that wanted casual sex and no commitment. My twenties were a truly miserable time for me and I only felt fulfilled in life when I became a mother at 35, the career and high salary that I'd attained by that point meant very little to me. I also wouldn't dream of having children without being married and don't apologise for that! My biggest regret in life is that I didn't ignore my best friend and my mother who were telling me that I was too young to have babies, and follow my own path.