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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cafe humiliation

398 replies

Skyview7 · 21/03/2025 20:26

Took my DD (hardworking mum to my 2 DGC) for lunch in a very nice local cafe (pink tea pots, fresh roses on the tables) as a treat.
Lunch menu looked nice. We ordered and I asked if I could just check if my salad could be gluten free. At this the waitress asked if I was choosing or actually coeliac. I am in fact, coeliac and she said then informed me that I would need to sign something first. Honestly, I thought it was a joke but she came back with a large clipboard and an A4 sheet of paper and pen and asked me to have it signed by the time she returned; she was not going to take the order until this was done.
I sat staring at the paperwork wondering of this was for real. The paperwork was a disclaimer that if the cafe should inadvertantly slip me anything gluten laden then they would keep this piece of paper with my "consent" at the risks therein.
Several ladies having tea and lunches were staring at me and DD when the waitress came back; she was astonished that I hadn't signed their form yet. I just wanted to have a nice salad lunch with my daughter to treat her without having some jobsworth make me out to be some sort of liability to them. DD said it had sucked the good vibe right out and she was absolutely right.
So the waitress then asked why I wouldn't sign. I had to explain (calmly but upset) that I had hoped for kinder and far more inclusive customer service instead of singling me out and making me "other" whilst their diners looked on wondering why I was having to sign their paperwork before anyone was willing to serve us. She said, no, it's not like that - but I had to explain again that their paperwork was not to caring for the customer it was them covering their back against me if they were to make a mistake. Although I previously liked the cafe very much, DD and I left.
I'm a woman of the world and a solo traveller too. I have a happy go lucky nature but today...I really felt humiliated. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mydogisamassivetwat · 22/03/2025 21:19

LadyJaneEarlGreyTea · 22/03/2025 19:22

I would wager you didn't even know you had coealic until the last 20 years max), Grew up eating bread etc. It's now the idea of a crumb of wheat in your salad is going to kill you , is the reason people struggle with coealics

You struggle with people who suffer with an autoimmune disease?
Have you had an empathy bypass?

Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disease for which the ONLY treatment is a restricted diet. A crumb of gluten will trigger an autoimmune reaction.

You aren’t necessarily born with coeliac disease, it can develop at any age. Op could have spent 64 years of her life without it.

Gluten (found in barely and rye, as well as wheat) might not actually kill a coeliac but it can lead to short term pain, vomiting and diarrhoea; then long term malnutrition, infertility, anaemia, delayed puberty, peripheral neuropathy, osteoporosis, the list goes on.

I couldn’t find the post that you had in bold, so I don’t know who the poster was.

But it’s attitudes like that which make my life so hard. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 41. I had zero symptoms until one day, I had some gastric issues. Both my parents died of colon cancer, and thankfully, I have private health insurance so I was in front of a consultant very quickly. He tested me for everything as my insurance was paying and lo and behold, the levels in my blood were so high for coeliac, and a endoscopy biopsy confirmed it a few weeks later.

So, it took 41 years for that autoimmune condition to show itself, and now, since I have stopped eating it, the tiniest bit of gluten causes me horrific symptoms that I never had beifre. My family saw me eating “normally” for 41 years, so many of them simply don’t believe I am coeliac and just think I’m trying to be awkward.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 22/03/2025 21:28

MidnightMeltdown · 22/03/2025 20:50

You felt ‘humiliated’ at being asked to sign a form?! No wonder young people can’t cope with the world when they are learning from parents like this. Melodramatic much?

Ah you also haven't got the memo. All feelings are #Valid and if the OP says this was humiliating then it absolutely was, and the waitress should have predicted she was dealing with someone who finds it humiliating to be asked to sign a piece of paper.

HangryLilacGoose · 22/03/2025 21:29

medlow · 22/03/2025 02:59

OK @Skyview7 . You are a Grandma so you've survived this long ( say 65 years at a guess). I would wager you didn't even know you had coealic until the last 20 years max), Grew up eating bread etc. It's now the idea of a crumb of wheat in your salad is going to kill you , is the reason people struggle with coealics and more so the peope who say they have an "intolerance . Some poor dude barely making a living in a tiny cafe now has to cater to everyone who has an "intolerance" to bloody guava or something. No wonder they are getting people to sign forms.

I would wager that you struggled badly in school and have few friends (if any).

Flozle · 22/03/2025 21:33

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 22/03/2025 20:40

Read the thread hun

Show quote history

Well, I have hun, but that doesn’t alter the fact that OP’s feelings are valid.

InSpainTheRain · 22/03/2025 21:42

I don't see why you'd feel humiliated. I am not a cafe/restaurant owner and non of us have allergies, but probably owners are worried about being sued because there was inadvertent cross contamination in their kitchen. Some people seem to have be sensitive to some products, so it doesn't seem unreasonable to get them to sign to say they won't sue if something happens. It's a business owner protecting themselves.

JohnTheRevelator · 22/03/2025 21:54

Personally,I think this sounds like this is giving them carte blanch to be careless.

Budgiegirlbob · 22/03/2025 22:49

fghbvh · 22/03/2025 20:36

If they can’t cater properly for allergies / intolerances they shouldn’t be open. Customers shouldn’t be expected to sign waivers in case of cross contamination.

What should cafes do then? For many small cafes it’s impossible to guarantee no cross contamination, even if care is taken. Unless they have two completely separate kitchens, with separate equipment, uniforms, staff etc. That’s just not going to happen in your average coffee shop.

ruethewhirl · 22/03/2025 23:04

MidnightMeltdown · 22/03/2025 20:50

You felt ‘humiliated’ at being asked to sign a form?! No wonder young people can’t cope with the world when they are learning from parents like this. Melodramatic much?

Do you make a habit of telling people how to feel?

Marmaladelover · 22/03/2025 23:43

I had to sign one too at a family meal. Given the circumstances of the meal
, I didn’t want to make a fuss but didn’t think much of it - as I told my hypocondriac , attention seeking MIL the next day - who was terribly impressed with it . Which immediately got me thinking . It fed into her attention seeking but the one with a real deadly allergy was pissed off . 100% agree OP

OldCottageGreenhouse · 23/03/2025 00:05

TheAlertFinch · 21/03/2025 20:44

I refuse to serve people with serious allergies because I'm not always 100% certain there won't be any cross contamination.

This is discrimination and is illegal!

LEWWW · 23/03/2025 00:29

OldCottageGreenhouse · 23/03/2025 00:05

This is discrimination and is illegal!

Show quote history

It isn’t illegal for a cafe/restaurant to refuse to serve someone with allergies. If anything that’s the best thing they can do if they can’t be 100% sure that there will be no cross contamination.

Emanresu52 · 23/03/2025 00:38

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 21/03/2025 20:41

Having worked in catering and having a best friend with a child newly diagnosed with coeliacs, I can see both sides.

Yes, you found it embarassing but you are not being 'othered' or 'singled out' as all patrons who declare an allergy or intolerance will likely be given the same form to sign. Its not discrimination. They could maybe have been more subtle though. People staring is just odd.

Small cafes probably have small prep/storage areas where cross contamination may not be able to be avoided. The cafe is protecting itself against any potential legal action. As a potentially small/independent business, they can't afford to be dragged through court over gluten or any other allergy or intolerance.

Its not personal. Its a risk you can choose whether or not to take. They have the right to protect themselves.

Very well put 👍🏻

Budgiegirlbob · 23/03/2025 00:40

OldCottageGreenhouse · 23/03/2025 00:05

This is discrimination and is illegal!

Show quote history

Is it? Could you please find the legislation that says this? As far as I am aware, under FSA guidelines, a food producer is within their right to inform a customer with an allergy that they are unable to provide food that is safe for them to eat if they are unable to prevent the risk of cross contamination.

SapporoBaby · 23/03/2025 01:02

That’s awful. They can’t honestly expect people to sign that it’s OK for them to make potentially illegal and life threatening/ impacting mistakes in the kitchen?

SurroundedByEejits · 23/03/2025 01:04

I have an intolerance to dairy and was asked when asking for vegan options at a chain pub if I had an allergy, as I would have to sign a form if so. This was last summer, so it's becoming more common.

Like you, I was a bit put out that the server explained this in a very loud voice and I could hear at least 2 other tables discussing 'annoying' vegans afterwards, embarrassing my dinner companion who is a lifelong vegan.

I wouldn't have minded the form, it was more the way it was done that bothered us.

RecklessGoddess · 23/03/2025 01:23

As someone who worked in catering from 2013 until 2022, I am absolutely shocked and disgusted at how you were treated. When someone I served in any of the cafes/coffee shops I worked in, had dietary requirements and health requirements, we went out of our way to do whatever we could for them. Shame on that cafe, I personally would be naming and shaming them, especially if they have a Facebook page or other social media!

Harmonypus · 23/03/2025 04:51

I have numerous food allergies and intolerances, as well as a few medical ones, and regularly have to go through a tick box process in practically every cafe, pub, and restaurant I go to.
These forms are so that the kitchen staff know what they have to keep well away from the area of the kitchen that my food is being prepared in, so as not to risk cross-contamination.
I've never felt as though I was being singled out when completing the form, quite the opposite really, the staff are asking me how they can keep me safe, which makes me feel heard and treated as an important customer.

laraitopbanana · 23/03/2025 06:11

Yeah that is defo not on…
either they can offer “without” food or they can’t.

honestly, I am not sure this piece of paper cover their back anyway. As a restaurant offering food…they need to cater for their clientele needs.

the waitress gave you their opinions on how to deal with it…careless free so you left. Good call. Leave a review.

sashh · 23/03/2025 06:23

mathanxiety · 22/03/2025 16:43

They are choosing to be chefs in a world where people have serious food allergies. They need to find a way to not kill their customers.

I live in the US, where people are not shy about lawyering up. I've never once witnessed a clipboard incident in a restaurant or cafe. Wait staff are always happy to answer questions from diners about allergens in dishes. Menus sometimes come with allergy warnings.

There are many ways cafes and restaurants can deal with allergies and intolerances. The in your face, aggressive, clipboard and signed waiver approach is neither necessary nor appropriate.

Show quote history

Exactly.

These are chefs at the top of their game, often with a couple of Michelin stars between them who are finding this hard.

A greasy spoon is not going to find it any easier.

Sally20099 · 23/03/2025 06:43

It sounds like a small independent cafe trying to get by and deal with complex and frequent claims about allergies. Equally, if they put a sign up saying “we can’t serve anyone with a wheat allergy” etc you would be huffing and puffing about the lack of inclusion and appalling discrimination of that as well. They can’t win. Maybe they have a small kitchen? Maybe they have had one case in thousands of happy customers where something went wrong and their insurance now requires this form? No idea. It’s your complete right to leave, but also their right to add whatever terms they want. Either way it’s an over reaction to a small business which employees local people, trying to survive in tough times.

Silverbook55 · 23/03/2025 07:11

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2025 20:38

It would have done you no harm to sign the form

I bet you are glad that there are now processes and protections in place for people with allergies right?

So then don’t complain when those processes come with additional precautions

Signing a waiver won’t protect anybody other than the cafe owner.

ButterCrackers · 23/03/2025 08:09

Sally20099 · 23/03/2025 06:43

It sounds like a small independent cafe trying to get by and deal with complex and frequent claims about allergies. Equally, if they put a sign up saying “we can’t serve anyone with a wheat allergy” etc you would be huffing and puffing about the lack of inclusion and appalling discrimination of that as well. They can’t win. Maybe they have a small kitchen? Maybe they have had one case in thousands of happy customers where something went wrong and their insurance now requires this form? No idea. It’s your complete right to leave, but also their right to add whatever terms they want. Either way it’s an over reaction to a small business which employees local people, trying to survive in tough times.

It’s gluten free or not. The cafe could say that they sell products made without wheat or oats (contains a gluten component) but can’t say that they are gluten free. Like you read on labels. I would choose to not eat there.
Imagine if you were avoiding caffeine (I know it’s not an allergy etc) and ordered a tea but were told you had to sign a disclaimer because it might be that you wouldn’t get your tea - Instead you’d get a coffee with caffeine. Would you sign that? It would be to help local small business going through tough times. I bet you wouldn’t sign.

Familysquabbles23 · 23/03/2025 08:13

Hrft but tbh I'm surprised you haven't come across this before. We don't eat out that much but have been regularly asked to sign for allergy in Harvesters and other places for a couple of years.
My allergy is unusual and not life threatening but isn't included on the allergens lost.
I'm careful not to choose things likely to cause a reaction.
Bc my allergy is not life threatening I choose not to say anything most times its my DH who likes to make a fuss.
But I don't enjoy the signing process or being flagged as Allergic but that's my choice. Life threatening allergic people must really struggle.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 23/03/2025 08:37

Silverbook55 · 23/03/2025 07:11

Signing a waiver won’t protect anybody other than the cafe owner.

Show quote history

It won’t even do that. A waiver like this has no basis in law. Food establishments have a legal responsibility to protect their customers - they should be fully aware of the list of known allergens, and their kitchen and waiting staff should be trained in how to avoid cross contamination. If they aren’t 100% certain their kitchen and waiting on processes can prevent cross contamination, they can and should refuse to serve a customer who has declared an allergy or intolerance. A waiver is essentially asking a customer to trust that they get it right, when the actual act of asking them to sign such a document in the first place is a strong indication that that trust is misplaced.

Nanny1965 · 23/03/2025 09:00

That's awful. I'm celiac and would of signed in a fake name out of spite.