Family not making an effort

[MomofAA]

My partners family made the effort to want to see our baby when we first brought him home. Wanting pictures and cuddles.
Now he’s 10 weeks old, no one has messaged to ask how he is or if they can see him/us.
They are posting on social media with other family members, days out etc.
Feel as if the novelty of a newborn in the family has wore off.

AIBU for wanting to stop being available for them when they do finally get in touch?

what a supportive place to come and ask an anonymous question!!!

Basically nothing! You’ve come to your own conclusion.

If people weren’t so quick to attack me - I wouldn’t have to feel defensive. This post doesn’t reflect on who I am. But by the comments from yourself and others indicates what a bunch of judgmental individuals you are

It perhaps would be better to have this in chats not aibu.
Sadly, people responding to your OP have somehoe offended you, yet they were giving opiion based on your posts.
Your subsequent posts haven't all been pleasant, indeed, one has been removed, so this is a 2-way issue

I can ask if I am being unreasonable without being attacked - commenting on someone’s character is not a way about it. One comment removed because I believed someone’s response wasn’t the best way to respond and that person has since explained further and I didn’t need to attack that person and prolong the discussion

How far away do they Iive OP? Are they close enough that your DH could take the baby to their house for a visit? Maybe they're clumsily trying not to butt in?

On the other hand, my inlaws have shown very, very little interest over the years (DCs teens now). I've facilitated where I could, sent photos occasionally, answered texts on the odd occasion they came in. We visit them occasionally too but they never come here. We stopped inviting them eventually because their lack of interest became embarrassing. But a few times a year we ask if we can visit them and they seem happy to see us.

I feel that I've done as much as I can to avoid any guilt, and my DCs have their own opinions of the inlaws 🤨. They will reap what they sow.

The only 'conclusion' I've come to (that it's a relationship which has previously been problematic, with lots of unmet expectations and problems in communication, and that you would like it to be different) is based entirely on what you have said here. For example --

they’re type of people that say ‘well you never make the effort’. We put in the effort but stopped as it wasn’t being reciprocated.

They’re the kind of people that preach effort is reciprocated but our messages and calls would go unanswered. Didn’t hear from them during the pregnancy. We had them arguing with us as we wanted to attend a family gathering with them and we made it clear we wouldn’t want him passed round like a parcel and we were told we were being controlling

It’s hard as a new mom and feeling lonely that the people who say they’re just a message away not respond is a bit of a slap in the face

Messages and calls have gone unanswered the past year. When it came to a month before baby was born, the family popped up, messaging to check in asking if we need anything, offering to cook and come round etc. when he was born we had the usually flood of messages from everyone (to which I feel I have to express to some of you, was hugely appreciated) the family again offered the same as mentioned before.

Come to a month later, messages had stopped we were being left on read, phone calls not returned. we have tried but radio silence.

by asking if I should stop being so available to people who don’t make an effort when I’ve tried with them for months

I want the biggest happiest family for my baby and I would never cut contact out of pettiness, all we ever want to do is protect our kids and yes there are family members that will be kept at a distance for very reasonable reasons. But there are also family members that can’t see these safeguarding issues and it is difficult to navigate communication.

Basically, this has never been an unproblematic relationship. Nothing has changed. You need to accept that it is what it is and find support elsewhere.

As soon as you say something like “we don’t want baby passed around like a parcel”, people will take a step back. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t. Dd1 was so clingy but dtds were passed to anyone with hands free as I had 2 newborns and a toddler. Dtds were much more chilled and content. Passing the baby round to people who love him/her is a good thing but while I understand some mums find it hard, it does put a wall up denying family newborn cuddles and making an announcement. Far easier to put baby in a sling and just say she’s a bit restless today so I’m just going to let her stay in the wrap for now is a far more gentle approach.

sorry - not explained as well as I could’ve.

I just mean that I’m not comfortable with him being held from one person to another with not knowing where he is for example especially when there are family members that can be a risk to him but won’t accept that they are. I only mentioned it to family as they have quite literally ask if they can hold him but take him out of his seat or from us before we can respond, putting pressure on the situation. Wanting to have him on their terms instead of waiting for us to respond or explain ourselves. I have no issue with people loving on him and giving him cuddles building a bond with family is amazing but when boundaries aren’t being respected and us as parents aren’t being listened to it can make things tense

Can I ask why you couldn’t have made this as your initial response instead of saying all that you have?

We have family within a 10-15 mile radius who see other family members further away more than they see us. We have the problem of serious issues are in the mix but it’s being ignored and we have to go along with it but our son’s wellbeing and happiness is a priority.
so visiting and communication is a difficult thing to say the least

There you go again, OP. You can't change other people's behaviour, or complain that they don't act entirely differently to the way they do. The only behaviour you can change is your own. Either you accept some responsibility for the way the relationship with your ILs is and change the way you relate to them, or you accept that it is what it is and find support from another source.

They've probably read all those other mumsnet threads in which New Mum complains that her family and in laws are too in her face when all she wants is quit time with her baby.

All I ask is if they’re going to say they’re going to do something and go on about doing it and just suddenly stop with no indication to why, I am going to ask why? I’d much prefer an explanation than radio silence as I am unaware if it’s a situation I can contact them about or just leave it

Well they sound very problematic so surely you should be glad you don’t have to deal with them?

Unless you’re missing the drama?

Just potter about making the most of this lovely time with your baby and stop giving them headspace.

@MomofAA why did you ask if you were being unreasonable if you don’t think there’s a chance you might be?