Family not making an effort

[MomofAA]

My partners family made the effort to want to see our baby when we first brought him home. Wanting pictures and cuddles.
Now he’s 10 weeks old, no one has messaged to ask how he is or if they can see him/us.
They are posting on social media with other family members, days out etc.
Feel as if the novelty of a newborn in the family has wore off.

AIBU for wanting to stop being available for them when they do finally get in touch?

Correct. In laws/parents of new mothers are usually castigated on MN for daring to want to visit without a formal, time-limited invitation!

So you don't like them anyway, don't particularly want to see them for the pleasure of their company, and there's a history of long periods of no contact and arguments -- why would you think that these things would be any different once you had a baby? You don't get on with these people!

I've never found any relationships of mutual liking and respect required that much 'effort'. Some people behave as if the occasional text or phonecall is a task equivalent to building the pyramids.

Based on this OP I’m not sure why you’re surprised they haven’t been round weekly, my PIL are the same, I didn’t expect them suddenly round every week because we’d had a baby. They came and met the baby & then went back to occasionally getting in touch really, it sounds as though it’s your expectations that have changed as in you were happy to not see them for 9 months but now you want them to come see you regularly?

Oh no I agree, there isn’t much to see or do with a 10 week old. It’s just they gush over him and want cuddles all the time but the thought to reach out and actually see him doesn’t follow

Yep

You don't seem to like them, which may be justified and you don't actually want them to visit but you are annoyed they haven't visited
What do you actually want?

Nothing has changed since having a baby, but for people to give false hopes to making more of an effort. It’s hard as a new mom and feeling lonely that the people who say they’re just a message away not respond is a bit of a slap in the face

Okay so I give a brief summary on the situation and most of you have decided to fill in the blanks with your own narrative.

I haven’t said I don’t like them.

It sounds to me like they don’t feel welcome.

Did they say they were going to be more involved? Is it possible that maybe neither of you are communicating the best you can, or that potentially these are just not “your people” to lean on?

I do get it, my daughter is 11 months old now and I know how overwhelming it can be & how lonely it feels. It’s about finding the right people to lean on in those times, people who love you & are actively in your life, and want to be. My PIL and I have never had a close relationship, so I know that they aren’t the people for me to lean on and it sounds like you probably are in the same boat, if they wanted to be there for you and you had a good relationship then they would have been present for your pregnancy. Find your people, your family, friends, mum friends, who you can count on, but people who haven’t been in your life for 9 months are not going to suddenly change x

But if you're lonely, wouldn't you rather see people you like, rather than people you seem to have a rather fractious relationship with?

It's only been 10 weeks ffs. They don't have to see your baby every five minutes.

My parents adored their grandchildren (and did a lot of regular - 2 or 3 days every week - childcare for them) and seeing them brought them a lot of happiness.

However, my parents never, ever visited without being invited first (largely because they were terrified of rejection) and much preferred it when my brother and/or wife brought the children to visit them.

Craziness of MN. We have another thread in which grandmother outraged that she's not allowed to have her 6 week old child for the weekend. Here we have someone tantruming because no-one has offered to see the child
Let's face it, as an outsider, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You sound very immature OP.

All I’ve said is I they are the type of people that expect the effort be made to them.
Messages and calls have gone unanswered the past year. When it came to a month before baby was born, the family popped up, messaging to check in asking if we need anything, offering to cook and come round etc. when he was born we had the usually flood of messages from everyone (to which I feel I have to express to some of you, was hugely appreciated) the family again offered the same as mentioned before.
Come to a month later, messages had stopped we were being left on read, phone calls not returned. we have tried but radio silence. I have not mentioned I don’t like them, this family is very welcome and they know that. (I didn’t think I needed to give the ins and outs of it all) why couldn’t some of you just give a basic answer why be critical and attack me as a person?

Explain, who has been rude?

I get how you're feeling OP. Members of my family all came to see DS when he was born. He is now 9 months old and some have seen him less than a handful of times in those 9 months. We all live within a short drive of each other.

I would sit and dwell and get so upset over the fact that nobody was interested in seeing us, and it hurt seeing pictures of family members meeting up for days out etc, but one day I realised that I was making no effort myself and expecting it all to come from their side. I hadn't messaged to ask how they were, how their kids were, to ask if they wanted to visit or if we could visit them. So what right did I have to get cross with them? From then I have changed my attitude and things are better.

So yes, while I understand your feelings, maybe it's time to start accepting that effort works both ways and to think about how much effort you are putting in yourself

Wel, you aren't exactly being polite in your responses, but let's be kind and put it down to post-natal hormones