Feeling extremely down about SAHM life

[DonutEnvy]

I have 2 under 3’s (had 2 back to back) and right now I am thinking about going back to work 1 day a week self employed.
DH works full time and when I am at home alone with the kids it is so hard to take them both anywhere or book any type of appointment for myself (even a one off hair wash).

My inlaws will baby sit the 1 day I go back to work but they have said they will struggle to watch them for anything else. It is so hard just waiting for them to start nursery in a couple years and having my life on hold.

AIBU feeling like this?

Can DH reduce their hours to take on more of the load to enable you to get out to a job?

Could you not use nursery now? Would you Ben eligible for the free hours and tax free childcare or is DH a high earner? I have only the one toddler and that’s hard enough so I feel your pain

It’s really tough with dc that age - i couldn’t have coped with two that close in age, and was much happier when mine got over 3. Not surprised GP not keen to watch two under 3s, it’ll be exhausting for them even if they’re young and fit grandparents.

I assume you can’t earn enough to cover childcare to work two or three days a week?

Put them in nursery and go back to work - it’s so important even if you just about cover the cost through what you make right now.

work is much less tiring and of you’re lucky, you can nip out in your lunch break for some alone time..

A lot of jobs you couldn't be able to have hair appointments during the week either so I'm not quite sure why you are putting your life on hold any more than you would be by working?

I think maybe manage your expectations, just accept that all that sort of stuff is weekend/evening stuff now, so you have to arrange with your DH to cover for each other for those things. I wouldn't even contemplate booking in for a hair appointment with young kids!

I'm one of many who has zero family support for childcare, so I'd also consider myself incredibly lucky to have relatives who would do childcare while you work, rather than being upset they won't cover for other stuff.

If you're saying that preschoolers are hard work then YANBU, but if you are annoyed that you can't do things for you with preschoolers in tow, then that's just life with young kids.

Why can't you go back to work full time if that's what you want to do? A childminder or nanny would probably be cheaper than two sets of nursery fees.

How old is your youngest?

Although it is hard, IME with similar aged children, working and having small ones is harder.

Are there places locally you can bring them to get out the house and spend time with adults? Do you have friends with children of a similar age?

As they get older and more “portable” you might find you enjoy it more.

I'm not sure that being at work is going to help you find time for a hairwash. With all kindness, I had to take mine with me to the hairdresser's, the doctors etc. I vividly remember having a dental checkup with a child lying on top of me.

See if you qualify for free nursery hours though, that could help.

Work is like a holiday from young kids. Go back to work and use a nursery. It sounds like it will do you good.

I agree it’s a pain, I remember the dentist telling one of mine off as I was mid exam
and they tried to have a close look at some
of the equipment…but actually I could use work
time to have the shorter appointments.

and as for whether you find ft sahm or part time work with small kids harder it’s individual - working was easier for me.

When my children were little I worked a couple of nights a week in a local pub.

Very sociable, pay ok, no childcare costs!

Are you unreasonable to want to work 1 day a week rather than just being a full time stay at home partner?
No or course not, your interests and drive matters too.

YANBU- that age is horrendously hard and having two that close in age is soul destroying.

Do not apologise for feeling this way - it just really is that hard. Look for part time jobs and take offers of family help and see if you’re eligible for free nursery hours - be aware though there may be long waiting lists for places.

What is stopping you going back to work for more days? I have a similar gap between mine and went back to work 3 days a week (yes the bill was shocking, but it was good to be out the house and keeping my hand in with a job).

I dunno I very much think the time when I returned to work was a dynamic shift away from 100% default parent so something much more equitable outside of work hours.
I was used to leaving for work so it was easier to squeeze time for myself because the norm stopped being that I should be available for the kids 100% of the time.

When your DH is at work then your job is to take care of your DCs.

Evenings and weekends is both of your responsibility and so I would be booking hair appointments etc for then when you don’t have to drag the DCs out with you.

Both of you should have an evening or 2 a week child free to have some time to yourselves.

Why isn't DH looking after them for at least a half day at weekends/whatever his days off are so you have time to yourself to go to hairdressers/get a coffee/scream into the void etc?

Yes these are excellent questions - many hair dressers have evening or Saturday appointments.

I worked one day a week, it helped a lot, I got to go out, meet people, not be mum for a day. It also gave me that confidence that starts to disappear when you're a sahm, which then helped when I went back full time. I worked on Sunday and left the kids with my husband. If you feel like you're losing yourself make a hair appointment or something to give you a boost, plan around the kids. Now I'm working full-time and kids are older I do miss being a sahm... I know that doesn't help you for now, but it's so hard when you're working, managing the school runs, all the school activities, rushing dinner at the end of the day.

Could you afford to join a gym with a crèche?

Do you get DC free time at the weekend and in the evening?

Put your kids in childcare and go back to work, even if it's only part-time.

You can have your hair appointments at the weekend when your DH is free.

Why can’t you get your hair cut on the weekends or evening like us working people?

I’m not saying it’s easy with two DC under 3 but you must have known what you were signing up for as a SAHM. It’s not exactly a secret that you’ll be home alone with tnem
mist of the time.

Why is it too difficult to go out with your DC? Bundle them in a double pram and go to a parent and child group or the
park or the like.

I am a SAHD and found things really difficult at that age too: to varying degrees they are both capable of causing chaos and destruction and need constant supervision because he/she cannot understand or respond to reason.

And then, as an adult, you eventually run out of ideas to stimulate them without going back over the same things or resorting to TV.

On top of that, it's tough because you have little or no adult engagement and can feel your brain turning to mush as your sanity slips away.

It does get better! But please, make sure you have some time to unwind and look after yourself.

I can't say if it applies to SAHMs but I remember reading into the very little research on SAHDs - apparently alcoholism is much more prevalent than in the general population.

Not in any of the jobs I’ve had. Being at home was way easier.