Page 4 | Child in DS class asking inappropriately

WhatTimeIsIt007 · 2025-03-20T12:33:37+00:00

I really don’t know if I ABU here. My DS (8) has recently told me about a boy in his class who has touched a girl in their class inappropriately. He said that the boy touched the girl up her sides and onto her chest, and the girl was telling him to stop. DS and the girl both told the teacher. DS has also told me that this boy has said he wanted to drink this girls milk and also that he had asked her to breastfeed him. I’ve reached out to school, and they have told me that they are dealing with this, and covering consent etc in PSHE lessons. I totally understand that at this age children will be more curious about relationships, but this just doesn’t sit well with me at all. AIBU to push the school harder in relation to this particular child, or am I totally overreacting.

Jumpers4goalposts · 21/03/2025 21:15

You did the right thing telling the school. The school are dealing with it as a safeguarding concern but they won’t be able to share any information with you.

Rosiesposy · 21/03/2025 21:31

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 20/03/2025 12:43

I’d push it, I’d want confirmation that her parents had been notified and I’d want to know what action had been taken.

no! It’s nothing to do with you. Your child wasn’t involved. You don’t have any right to know the details of interventions with other people’s children.

OP’s son witnessed a boy old enough to know right from wrong sexually assault a girl. This probably wasn’t the first time and thankfully OP’s son reported the assault. I hope the other boy is removed from the class so the girls are safe.

Onlyvisiting · 21/03/2025 21:34

I'd be very concerned for the child as over sexualised behaviour is a massive red flag for abuse.
But unless you have reason to doubt the schools safeguarding procedures then I would assume they are dealing with it in an appropriate way. Which will not involve keeping you informed as to the details

Flopsy145 · 21/03/2025 21:54

Id push, I would want this child specifically told 1-1 and to face pretty harsh punishment, but as you're not the girls mother I think there's little you can ask for as should really come from the girls parents.
Oof, I'd be fuming, but then I will teach my DD that if anyone hurts her or touches her inappropriately she can 100% punch them in the face and I'd be proud of her. That's a pretty decent deterrent if teachers are going to pussy foot around it

neverbeenskiing · 21/03/2025 22:03

theallotmentqueen · 21/03/2025 13:20

Hi, so it is sexual assault, but it's classed as COCSA ('child on child sexual assault'), and is very much recognised as a 'thing'. There doesn't have to be a sexual motivation for the behaviour to be inappropriate - touching someone in a private place is SA. Likewise, if a child stole a sweet from a shop, they would still be guilty of theft, even if they didn't have the capacity to understand their actions and were not of an age of criminal responsibility. It's important that it's recognised to be assault, so that the victim can receive proper support. SA is traumatic at any age, and the child needs help, not for the incident to be brushed under the rug. My evidence for this? I was assaulted as a child by an older child (of the age of criminal responsibility, but still a child). Since we were children, the incident, which is legally rape, was brushed under the rug at school - it still traumatised me, just as the rape of an adult would.

In regard to making the child out as a predator - where in my original post did I do this? The child is quite clearly not a predator - they are 10 years old. The child needs appropriate help, they need empathy and kindness. The child is not 'bad' or 'evil' - they likely just don't have an understanding of bodily boundaries. They don't deserve to be stigmatised, or told they committed a crime. However, they do need to be told that this behaviour isn't ok, and adults need to be responsible to make sure it doesn't happen again. The child isn't at fault, the adults involved are - however, this doesn't mean that nothing should be done, or that the child shouldn't be taught to respect the boundaries of others.

In regard to suggesting things about the child - yes, I do think it's important to recognise that children who touch others/ignore the body boundaries of others have often been taught to do that. Children model adults: an adult who models respect of other people's bodies teaches a child to do the same. An adult who violates the boundaries of others teaches a child to do that as well. Alternatively, inappropriate touching can be linked to viewing porn at too early an age (which is traumatic for the child and warps their understanding of bodies and sex). This clearly isn't always the case, but should be recognised as something that is actually serious. Ignoring the potential for abuse just because it's unpalatable to consider it/would make trouble is a recipe for disaster.

In short, I made my earlier comment not out of the wish to stigmatise the child who committed the act, but to recognise the experience of the victim. Being touched inappropriately is a humiliating and violating experience. It's important that the victim is actually offered help for what happened, and the only way to ensure that this happened is to label the experience for what it was - assault.

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Firstly, I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I work with children in a safeguarding role, have a background in Youth Justice and am trained in working with children who display HSB (Harmful Sexual Behaviours) as well as having worked closely with many children who have experienced sexual trauma so I am well versed in the legal and ethical complexities of Child on Child Sexual Abuse. I agree that there doesn't have to be a sexual motivation for the behaviour to be "inappropriate", but the behaviour does have to be sexual in nature for it to be Sexual Assault. Sexual Assault is a criminal offence so the age of criminal responsibility is absolutely relevant. Nowhere did I say that the behaviour isn't inappropriate. It very clearly is, hence why it should be dealt with by the school as a safeguarding issue. But it is absolutely not the clear-cut case of Sexual Assault you are claiming based on the information provided by OP. That doesn't diminish the experience of the girl involved at all, and as a survivor of CSA myself I don't need a lesson in the impact of trauma. Clearly there needs to be support for the children involved and the school should be vigilant and exercise professional curiosity about what is going on for the boy in question. I can empathise with the children involved and still maintain that some of the comments on this thread have been completely over the top and unhelpful.

surreygirl1987 · 21/03/2025 22:07

neverbeenskiing · 21/03/2025 22:03

Firstly, I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I work with children in a safeguarding role, have a background in Youth Justice and am trained in working with children who display HSB (Harmful Sexual Behaviours) as well as having worked closely with many children who have experienced sexual trauma so I am well versed in the legal and ethical complexities of Child on Child Sexual Abuse. I agree that there doesn't have to be a sexual motivation for the behaviour to be "inappropriate", but the behaviour does have to be sexual in nature for it to be Sexual Assault. Sexual Assault is a criminal offence so the age of criminal responsibility is absolutely relevant. Nowhere did I say that the behaviour isn't inappropriate. It very clearly is, hence why it should be dealt with by the school as a safeguarding issue. But it is absolutely not the clear-cut case of Sexual Assault you are claiming based on the information provided by OP. That doesn't diminish the experience of the girl involved at all, and as a survivor of CSA myself I don't need a lesson in the impact of trauma. Clearly there needs to be support for the children involved and the school should be vigilant and exercise professional curiosity about what is going on for the boy in question. I can empathise with the children involved and still maintain that some of the comments on this thread have been completely over the top and unhelpful.

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Very well said.

eastegg · 21/03/2025 22:57

Rosiesposy · 21/03/2025 21:31

OP’s son witnessed a boy old enough to know right from wrong sexually assault a girl. This probably wasn’t the first time and thankfully OP’s son reported the assault. I hope the other boy is removed from the class so the girls are safe.

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Yes let’s just wash our hands of this vile predator shall we, I mean he is 8 after all, if he hasn’t learnt how to behave by now there’s no hope.

FGS, the law literally says he isn’t old enough to know right from wrong. How young do you want to go with criminalising small children?

FlipFlopVibe · 21/03/2025 23:05

neverbeenskiing · 20/03/2025 15:08

It isn't sexual assault. For one thing the age of criminal responsibility in this country is 10. You also have no evidence that there was a sexual motivation at all. The behaviour is potentially concerning but it's been reported and OP has been told the school are dealing with it. Labelling this child as some kind of predator or making assumptions about his home life or experiences are not helpful.

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Age of criminal responsibility has no bearing on whether a crime has been committed. A crime is victim based and recorded regardless of a suspect’s age. Age comes into whether a prosecution can take place.

DadBodAlready · 21/03/2025 23:30

Rosybud88 · 20/03/2025 12:40

I’d push it, I’d want confirmation that her parents had been notified and I’d want to know what action had been taken. Absolutely vile behaviour and you have to wonder what’s going on at home.

Why. It has nothing to do with OP and the children and parents involved are entitled to privacy. It has nothing whatsoever to do with OP beyond reporting what her child told her. Beyond that, its between the school, the girls parents and the boys parents.
It has nothing to do with anybody else.

Penguinmouse · 21/03/2025 23:33

I would let the school deal with it. Inappropriate sexual behaviour is also sadly a really common sign of a child being abused so yes, the school should make sure children know about consent and boundaries but I would hope this is being followed up separately too. And they wouldn’t be able to update you on that.

pollymere · 21/03/2025 23:55

I'd be extremely concerned about the home life of any child acting is such an inappropriate manner. This isn't just about consent. It's clearly something he has seen or learnt, presumably at home or similar. I'd be asking to speak to the School DSL about it. Your son has also made a disclosure which he needs support with as well. And it needs to be documented by the school too! On a third level, this shouldn't be possible at Primary School level. Where were the adults when this happened? How did this sexual assault happen? What is the school doing to prevent it happening again?

mathanxiety · 22/03/2025 01:04

You need to press the school to outline the measures they are taking to make sure this child won't sexually assault another child. They have a duty of care toward all children, including girls.

The measures should go well beyond the topic of consent in class.

Rosiesposy · 22/03/2025 06:24

eastegg · 21/03/2025 22:57

Yes let’s just wash our hands of this vile predator shall we, I mean he is 8 after all, if he hasn’t learnt how to behave by now there’s no hope.

FGS, the law literally says he isn’t old enough to know right from wrong. How young do you want to go with criminalising small children?

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8 year olds know not to do this, especially nowadays when consent is taught really young. The little girl said no and he continued to SA her. If OP’s son and the little girl knew this was wrong, then the other boy did too. His parents need to be investigated.

Sunflowergirl1 · 22/03/2025 06:35

I would continue to press on measures around safeguarding and how they respond to such issues. Obviously they can’t discuss in detail that case but tho school sticking its head in the sand can be disastrous. A school near me had a similar issue with a boy even younger. He was sexually touching the girls etc and clearly had issues including where the behaviour and knowledge came from. The school refused to discuss with parents so one of them blew it up on Twitter ( as was then) and posted the whole gory details. As the school continued refusing to discuss even wider issues from it, parents voted with their feet as did the staff. Result: Parents started leaving. School then inspected and rated inadequate but was closed as became unviable despite there being a need for places in the area. Unfortunately the days of saying nothing won’t work with social media.

Owl55 · 22/03/2025 09:01

The school will consider safeguarding both children and will be looking at potential abuse happening to the boy in question , once this process goes ahead you will not be informed of any further developments. When I worked in a school even the teacher wasn’t informed of the details as it’s considered confidential and being dealt with by specialist in that area .

theallotmentqueen · 24/03/2025 17:17

neverbeenskiing · 21/03/2025 22:03

Firstly, I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I work with children in a safeguarding role, have a background in Youth Justice and am trained in working with children who display HSB (Harmful Sexual Behaviours) as well as having worked closely with many children who have experienced sexual trauma so I am well versed in the legal and ethical complexities of Child on Child Sexual Abuse. I agree that there doesn't have to be a sexual motivation for the behaviour to be "inappropriate", but the behaviour does have to be sexual in nature for it to be Sexual Assault. Sexual Assault is a criminal offence so the age of criminal responsibility is absolutely relevant. Nowhere did I say that the behaviour isn't inappropriate. It very clearly is, hence why it should be dealt with by the school as a safeguarding issue. But it is absolutely not the clear-cut case of Sexual Assault you are claiming based on the information provided by OP. That doesn't diminish the experience of the girl involved at all, and as a survivor of CSA myself I don't need a lesson in the impact of trauma. Clearly there needs to be support for the children involved and the school should be vigilant and exercise professional curiosity about what is going on for the boy in question. I can empathise with the children involved and still maintain that some of the comments on this thread have been completely over the top and unhelpful.

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I take your point. I don't have experience actually working in sexual assault cases, only my own experience of CSA, so thank you for your input on this. I suppose where we differ in opinion is on whether or not the behaviour was sexual. My take on it was that the behaviour was sexual, in that the girl's chest was touched. I suppose from there, the quibble is over whether the chest is a taboo (sexual) area for a girl to be touched at the age of 9/10. Since neither of us were there, we can't say for sure whether the intention was sexual, or whether it was even experienced as such by the girl. All I can say is that the idea of this makes me feel uncomfortable and upset for her.

I am not trying to overegg what occurred, or blow the parents up into a frenzy. I am not trying to stigmatise the child either. However, I maintain that what occurred is serious, and needs to be understood as a bodily violation, rather than simply 'bad behaviour'. This might be where we have to agree to disagree.

Carouselfish · 24/03/2025 17:31

I would absolutely make sure the girl's mother was aware. And then I'd ask her later if she thought they were doing enough to make her dd safe.

Fluffyblackcat7 · 26/03/2025 19:13

Rosybud88 · 20/03/2025 12:40

I’d push it, I’d want confirmation that her parents had been notified and I’d want to know what action had been taken. Absolutely vile behaviour and you have to wonder what’s going on at home.

It isn't possible school to share this information in relation to a child that isn't your own.

It is okay though to ask specifically what work is being done with your child around consent.

Good on your child for reporting to teacher. You must be doing a good job with that one.

Sassybooklover · 26/03/2025 19:23

The school have told you they are dealing with the situation. I can guarantee that these incidents will be logged as a concern on the safeguarding system. I would also imagine that the parents would also be informed. The ins and outs of what they are doing regarding the situation won't be shared with you. Well done to your son for reporting to staff, not all children would have done so, and it's important that children do tell staff.

Bbq1 · 26/03/2025 19:30

It needs dealing with, Op
I don't blame you for wanting more doing. An 8 year old saying he wants to drink a classmates breast milk is very worrying. If he just told that's not nice etc without finding out why he's saying those things, what will he be doing at 12/13? Still touching girls inappropriately ans saying worse things?