Social media is destroying my relationship

[fortheloveofbooksandchocolate]

I’ve been with my boyfriend a few years and we recently had a baby together 5 months ago.
(Before anyone bashes me, I know I have issues and I am addressing them).
I am a very insecure woman. I am uncomfortable with the notion of my partner “liking” other girls photos (to me it’s like he wants to let her her know she looks nice, or that he noticed her)… I won’t explain my reasoning any further, some get it and some don’t).

When we first got together I would see him liking lots of girls photos on Instagram (we met at work so we know some of the same people), specifically girls in their swimwear etc but not always, sometimes just a selfie... It caused a heated discussion and I explained I’m uncomfortable and he said he wouldn’t like it if I was liking men’s photos either so he said he wouldn’t do it again.
I believed him.
I noticed a few times he had done it again, and would ask him why after he said he wouldn’t, and he would first get a bit pissed off at me, then he would remove the like from the photo and say he wouldn’t do it again…
(I know this sounds childish, we are in our 30/40s!! But it’s just unnecessary).
I asked to use his phone for a torch a few months ago to change the baby at night, and as I unlocked his phone, his Instagram was up on a page FULLLLL of semi naked women.
I asked why he was looking at that profile and he said “I don’t know, I was curious and because I’m stupid” and he assured me he would never do it again…
Fast forward to just now and I’m on Instagram, a follow suggestion came up, I don’t know the girl and don’t follow her, but I saw he follows her (a newish follow as his account is fairly new a few years old, and he had hardly followed anyone but now he starts to follow more people - fair enough), so curiously I went to have a look who she is (because as I said… issues🥺) and low and behold he’s liked her photos and the latest one is only from last month but some from two years ago, so he’s obviously scrolled down and liked them.
I’m MORE upset at the fact he has told me time and time again he won’t do it and that he knows it bothers me, he wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot, etc, and he is still doing it.
I just find it so disrespectful. It’s not hard to NOT press the little heart????? He obviously didn’t think I’d see it, as I don’t actually follow the girl myself… but her profile is public.

He is at work at the moment so I can’t very well confront him yet. Or should I leave it? I’m so angry on the inside, I just feel like he doesn’t consider my feelings and tbh I feel like a massive mug.

No hate please, I know it sounds stupid

[Edit: he is on his phone all the time these days yes never watches any reels I send him anymore, he hardly went on his phone or social media when we first got together. Maybe he’s bored of me]

Yeah I wouldn't like this either. You have to realise he's telling you what you want to hear to stop the argument but 1) doesn't think what he's doing is actually bad and 2)doesn't respect you and your boundaries.

@Soitis83 that’s exactly how it feels and now I’m not sure how to address it. As it’s clearly going to keep happening😒

While it wouldn’t bother me specifically, if you’ve explained how it makes you feel and he’s continued to do it (and lie about it) that would be a big no from me.

Social Media … toxic cesspool

him “liking” pictures, or, looking at other women’s photos, should be no reflection on you and your attractiveness. The things are all filtered to within an inch of their lives anyway.

However, your partner should be your greatest cheerleader. He should be helping you feel better about yourself .. however, a lot of that is within you. Stop comparing yourself to these people .. they aren’t you.

i don’t think you’ll ever stop him looking (TBH I just looked up “sexy ginger men” .. but he can choose not to “like” if he knows it upsets you. The people whose photos they are, will not even notice him “liking” they are just after numbers = revenue.

It will definitely keep happening and in my experience, move on to private messaging if it hasn't already. Men like that need constant satisfaction and they get bored after a while so move on to the next thing. You put your foot down. When a child is doing something they're not meant to, they don't listen to "no don't do that again" they listen to consequences. "If you try to break that toy again I will take it away" and then take it away when they continue to do it.

I think he must know her as it seems she is from his hometown and she isn’t famous, 400ish followers

@ExtraOnionsthank you for this, this is exactly it. And annoying I have the mindset of “if you wouldn’t like it done to you, don’t do it to others” so I just can’t understand why he behaves this way

I think it’s sad that you even have to talk to him about this. My husband has never done this and I have never had to discuss this with him. So this is definitely not the norm for everyone. Tell him to pack it in or sod off. If you have insecurities he is only going to drag you down.

@Soitis83thank you. I think it will just turn into an argument but I can’t keep living this way. The other day he told me if I don’t trust him then there’s no relationship, ofcourse he’s right BUT he is doing the things to stop me trusting him. Then it’s my fault that I have the trust issues!

.

You being insecure and you wanting him to stop liking other women's photos are kind of two separate issues.

I personally would find it incredibly disrespectful if my DH was liking other women's photos all over social media and I know every single one of my friends would feel the same way.
If we saw another DH doing that we would message our friend, assuming something was up in the relationship.

In fact I don't actually think I've seen any man I know doing this. A lot of them are right scumbags, but this is a basic respect thing.

Personally... The fact that he is doing this would be a deal breaker for me, because he should be thinking about whether it is appropriate before doing it. The fact that he doesn't give two shits shows how much he cares about you imo.

And it's not like I am extremely tight laced. My DH and I practise ethical non-monogamy. But we operate at all times respectfully, especially when our actions are public. We ensure we don't embarrass each other in front of friends and family.
It's basic.

I will speak to him when he finishes work around 2-3ish. But I guarantee it’ll be turned around on me not trusting him and for snooping.

Any ideas how this should be tackled? What would you guys do??

Should I just casually ask him who she is?

Just say it how it is. If he turns it on you which lets face it, he will, just remind him you wouldn't feel the need to if it wasn't for the fact he keeps letting you down and disrespecting you time and time again.

I’d get rid of him, he’s behaving like a teenage boy liking girls photos on Instagram. It’s so cringey.

Do the same back, look at men's naked photos and leave your phone lying around so he finds out. Then assure him you won't do it again and then do it again.

You're not the problem so don't keep thinking you are. It's him. He's the problem.

I genuinely couldn't live like this. Neither of you trust each other. He clearly has no respect for you either. Do you really want a life like this?

He clearly has no respect for your feelings. And you do not trust him - rightly so since he keeps promising to stop and then doesn't.
To me it looks like he's pushing you to end the relationship cause he doesn't want to appear to be "the bad one". Reality is though, it is not a healthy relationship, so I'd end it.
Make sure he pulls his weight with your kid though. Actions and consequences and all that.

Hey OP... so sorry you are going through this.

In my experience, the reason you are so cut up over his liking other girls is because you subconsciously know/ suspect that its not all that is. I have been in your situation, and was made to feel very unreasonable for complaining about social media use, liking other females, chatting to female "friends" and generally being constantly in touch with a lot of females - all above board and friendly. As I found out later, there was a lot of sordid stuff going on, cheating, sleazy messages, photos and all sorts.

But even if nothing of this is present, him not wanting to do this one small thing to make you feel better is a very bad sigh.

I've dated men like this OP and tbh it made me view the men who did this as immature - like little teenage boys with uncontrollable hormones. It's off-putting, and stopped me feeling sexually attracted to the blokes who behaved like this - we want to feel like we're being intimate with an adult man, not a man with teenage behaviour tendencies. When I was a teenage girl I stuck posters of male celebs in my bedroom. Whilst hearting images of women is a different action from physically blue-tacking posters to a wall, the mentality is the same - immaturity.

In my experience, they don't change. He will get better at hiding his tracks, i.e. set up a secret account (you can have more than one account on Instagram), and continue without you knowing. You've already discussed this with him. This is who he is.

I also don't trust men who behave like this to be the most faithful.

I would ask him if he thinks it's OK to walk past attractive girls on the street and tell them he likes looking at them, as that's basically what he's doing, and it's disrespectful to you.

The liking photos thing is kind of neither here nor there. It wouldn’t cost him much to stop, so the fact that he doesn’t either means he has some social media addiction which he has to address himself IF he wants to, or he has no respect or care for you. My money is on the latter because of his “I did it because I’m stupid” line. This is such a manipulative response - it sounds like taking responsibility but actually it makes the speaker sound like a victim and dodged any actual introspection into WHY they did it.

Sorry OP but this relationship is pretty much broken. He doesn’t respect you and you don’t trust him. He’s not going to stop doing it, he’s made that clear. So what are YOU going to do about making sure your needs are met? You can only change your behaviour, not his. Personally I’d rather be alone than constantly worrying, baby or no baby.

This. Find a real man, not an immature fantasist. He’ll grow up into one of those middle aged men who go to nightclubs and try to chat up the 19 year olds. Yuck.

My phone you don't have to unlock to use the torch.. being honest now, did you really want it just for the torch or did you specifically want to look at the what he was doing at the same time?

No judgement, but don't pretend it was one thing when really you were using it as an excuse to snoop.. as he has a valid argument about the 'snooping' now which could derail the genuine complaints that you do have.

I'm on the fence with this to be honest, some women don't like men looking at other women in real life, where as I think it's natural to have a cheeky look, women do it too so it's not a sexes issue, however, looking at half naked women online is a different thing all together, to me there is something a bit grotty and disrespectful about that and I wouldn't like it either. Social media has a lot to answer for.

I think it comes down to a fundamental trust and respect issue in your relationship, if he wouldn't like you doing it then he is a complete hypocrite, so I'm not sure I could live with it if I were you, plus I think lying by omission (what she doesn't know won't hurt her) is utter bullshit, and no one in a caring, loving relationship would even consider that acceptable... so in other words he sounds like a prick.