Social media is destroying my relationship

[fortheloveofbooksandchocolate]

I’ve been with my boyfriend a few years and we recently had a baby together 5 months ago.
(Before anyone bashes me, I know I have issues and I am addressing them).
I am a very insecure woman. I am uncomfortable with the notion of my partner “liking” other girls photos (to me it’s like he wants to let her her know she looks nice, or that he noticed her)… I won’t explain my reasoning any further, some get it and some don’t).

When we first got together I would see him liking lots of girls photos on Instagram (we met at work so we know some of the same people), specifically girls in their swimwear etc but not always, sometimes just a selfie... It caused a heated discussion and I explained I’m uncomfortable and he said he wouldn’t like it if I was liking men’s photos either so he said he wouldn’t do it again.
I believed him.
I noticed a few times he had done it again, and would ask him why after he said he wouldn’t, and he would first get a bit pissed off at me, then he would remove the like from the photo and say he wouldn’t do it again…
(I know this sounds childish, we are in our 30/40s!! But it’s just unnecessary).
I asked to use his phone for a torch a few months ago to change the baby at night, and as I unlocked his phone, his Instagram was up on a page FULLLLL of semi naked women.
I asked why he was looking at that profile and he said “I don’t know, I was curious and because I’m stupid” and he assured me he would never do it again…
Fast forward to just now and I’m on Instagram, a follow suggestion came up, I don’t know the girl and don’t follow her, but I saw he follows her (a newish follow as his account is fairly new a few years old, and he had hardly followed anyone but now he starts to follow more people - fair enough), so curiously I went to have a look who she is (because as I said… issues🥺) and low and behold he’s liked her photos and the latest one is only from last month but some from two years ago, so he’s obviously scrolled down and liked them.
I’m MORE upset at the fact he has told me time and time again he won’t do it and that he knows it bothers me, he wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot, etc, and he is still doing it.
I just find it so disrespectful. It’s not hard to NOT press the little heart????? He obviously didn’t think I’d see it, as I don’t actually follow the girl myself… but her profile is public.

He is at work at the moment so I can’t very well confront him yet. Or should I leave it? I’m so angry on the inside, I just feel like he doesn’t consider my feelings and tbh I feel like a massive mug.

No hate please, I know it sounds stupid

[Edit: he is on his phone all the time these days yes never watches any reels I send him anymore, he hardly went on his phone or social media when we first got together. Maybe he’s bored of me]

This is years of upset and aggro about nothing.

You've decided to have a baby with him.

I therefore think you should just decide to stop telling him what posts he may or may not like on social media

And get on with your life

How you even have time for all of this anguish over something utterly inconsequential I don't know.

If you didn't like who he is, you shouldn't have had a baby with him

Instead you did and now you're trying to change him into someone else

Never works

You might like a lot of strangers on the internet being sympathetic but in real life: get a grip on your insecurities and control issues and get on with life

I agree with you OP. Been there done that with a partner sniffing around online for other people to fuck and then contacting them via a like or whatever. I'm much happier with someone who isn't interested in that shit.

I find this behaviour quite odd and immature to be honest. I can’t imagine my husband liking photos of other women in this way. I’m sure there must be occasions when he sees photos of women who are attractive as I do re men but no need to engage in that kind of way. It all sounds a bit teenage to me.

Thank you all, for your time and comments. I’ve taken in board what you’ve said and I appreciate you listening to me. I think I’ll just calmly mention it and see how he responds and hopefully I’ll be able to remain calm whilst I address it thoroughly because as some of you said, I don’t want to live like this either.
I know I’ll end up crying as I always do when we have an argument but I’m realising how it’s one road for him and another for me! He can look at all these girls in their underwear online but god forbid my bra strap shows!! Ughhh. I’m so fed up at the sheer disrespect for my feelings

@sandyhappypeopleno I needed to use his phone for the torch, as I couldn’t find my phone quick enough in the bed and newborn was crying. I wouldn’t lie and certainly not to a loss of strangers on the internet when I’m looking for genuine advice.

thank you for your message

I'm a single woman and find funnily enough the men that like my photos and the ones that DM me are not the same people. A lot of them I think are definitely innocent. The ones that want to keep it on the DL from their partners are really sneaky and make sure they don't like public photos but message you elsewhere. Tbh I'm tired of being hit on by men who are obviously taken 🙄. Puts me off relationships.

@Beautifulbouquet thank you for your message. As I said in my initial post, I am addressing my issues and insecurities. But being lied to about dumb stuff doesn’t help

@Bestfootforward11exactly. There’s no need to actively let them know you like it??? As someone said above, he wouldn’t go up to a woman in the street and tell her he likes her face

Was there lots of sex pre-baby? TTC, obviously!

Now, not so much? Maybe none? You’re busy with baby.

He just needs to scratch the itch, maybe?

Not saying it’s okay, but men can be quite basic…

@Gowlettsadly yes, we hardly ever have sex anymore maybe once every 2 weeks, and tbh I’ve really let myself go! I hardly ever wear makeup anymore or wear nice clothes (which he says he prefers but….. probably not true)

You're not happy and you can't trust him. I'd rather be alone than have my head filled with this rubbish 24/7.

Whose picture did he like, why did he like it, how does he know her, how half-naked is she, what is he thinking, why does he have to like not just look, why won't he care how much it upsets me . . .

I'm sorry, OP, but my self-respect just couldn't take it. You have a months-old baby who should be both your main focus. Not this teenage nonsense.

Liking photos on instagram is totally fine, if say, the photo is your female friend out to dinner with her family or winning an award at work. Liking photos of randoms half-naked is grim 16 year old boy behaviour. How embarrassing! I personally don’t have issues with porn, for example, in the sense that 98% of men watch it and I’m not going to get worked up about that. But social media is all about sharing with friends and family what you do online. No one’s auntie or their friend from Y9 they keep in touch with needs to get hints of their porn preferences. It’s just icky and juvenile.

I really wouldn't like this even if he was just looking and not Liking.

I would hate a disengaged partner who only looks at his phone regardless of what he was looking at. Boring.

He doesn't want you to look good because he's constantly perving on other women and assumes all men are like him, and therefore wants you to be unattractive to other men.
This could quickly escalate to him becoming controlling (you said he moans even if your bra strap is showing).

This isn't going to change. It wouldn't bother me, but it clearly bothers you, so you can either accept that this is something he does, or walk away.

Btw, this is not a boundary. A boundary is something you set for yourself, e.g. you liking pictures on Instagram upsets me so if you do that I will leave. It's not "you have to stop liking pictures on Instagram."

It's not social media ruining your relationship. It's your boyfriend ruining your relationship.

Once you reframe that thinking properly and put blame on person at fault, rather than some unreachable entity, you will get quite some clarity about where you stand and what the solution is there.

That's much more than many men get when single. As I'm sure he knows.

Your baby is only a few months old. If he truly does feel entitled to more sex than this - despite doing nothing to make you feel desired and emotionally secure - then it's a sign he doesn't respect you as a person. He just thinks it's the duty of any 'girlfriend' to provide him with sex on tap. Preferably while prettied up in just the way he likes it.

Most men with a five month old would be too knackered to have sex top of mind in this way. So I'm going to go ahead and guess he's not pulling his weight with the baby either.

Social media is not the thing ruining your relationship. Your partner is.
A man with discipline would clean up his SM and practise good online etiquette when he meets the woman he wants to be with.

This one has no respect for you or your relationship, so you will forever be reprimanding him like a child. Now you have two children.

I think when you've spent years discussing the same issue, you have to decide - am I going to leave and be at peace, or stay and make peace with the fact that this man will never offer me a sense of security; but this is where I'm choosing to be.

Please don't talk about "letting yourself go" and not wearing makeup or wear nice things. Those are not the things that make you attractive. You've just grown and birthed and are feeding your and his baby. That's amazing. Birth takes a lot and you're still recovering.

If he says you need to look great to keep him interested then he doesn't care about you. That's no way to be a partner or parent. He should be proud of you for being a mother. For being supportive of him and others. For your own achievements as a lovely person.

As you say it's one thing to admire someone's picture but it's another to like it. It's like catcalling or being beeped at in the street because a man feels he must let you know that he finds you attractive.

Overall he should respect you and stop doing it because you've asked him to.

You have asked how to "tackle" or "address" this issue.
By which you mean get him to stop, get him to change his behaviour.

But you can't change him. There is nothing you can do to make him stop.
You have to realise this.

So your choices are:
Decide you will ignore the behaviour
or
Leave him.

Having yet another discussion or argument to try and get him to change is a waste of time and energy.

He keeps doing it because you don't mind him doing so...

And before I get jumped on you say
I’ve been with my boyfriend a few years

Yet you've asked him so many times to stop, which he does for a blip of time then reverts back and still he continues to this day.

So you're answer to him continuously looking at other half dressed or otherwise girls when he knows you dislike it so much and rightly so may I add, isn't to dump him

Instead....

we recently had a baby together 5 months ago.

What makes you think he's ever going to take you seriously if you're happy to have a DC with him while he's doing something that you keep telling him is upsetting you so much?

I’m not sure I would even bother mentioning it to him to be honest. You’ve told him this is a hard limit for you, he agrees to not do it, he’s done it anyway multiple times, another chat isn’t going to suddenly change that, so I’d either stick by my word & leave the relationship OR accept that it’s something I’m going to have to put up with if I stay.

Personally I can’t be arsed with people who go back on their word & lie, it is a hard line for me.

I would not put up with this at all. My husband liked a few girls photos at the start of our relationship and I told him I am not putting up with it.

Of course some people are okay with this, and that's okay, - everyone has their own boundaries etc.

However, you need to explain to him seriously this is something you find disrespectful and if he doesn't quit, kick him out for a few nights / punish him for it to show you are serious about this issue.

Sounds extreme doesn't it?

Well, with men if you keep accepting these things they think oh okay, I got away with it...and they carry on or it progresses into sending DMs , flirting etc.

Also, you do not have trust issues, if he argues, just show him this post - he's not a teenager and needs to grow up and respect the woman who birthed his child x

More fool you. He’s been doing it from day one, you’ve had a baby with him and chose him as the father, he’s still doing it and what exactly do you think will make him change? He’s going to keep doing that, not going to stop and you know that.

You're only 5 mo pp, of course you have other priorities than make up and nice clothes. It's also really hard to be wanting sex when you care for a baby 24/7 and your body is on demand. It would make me feel even more insecure to know he's looking at semi naked girls on sm too.