To not have a housewarming because of this friend

[Isitme27]

I'd like to have a housewarming but I have one friend who is quite outspoken. She will speak her mind and sometimes says things that upset people. She can be tactless. I know people may ask why im friends with her but otherwise she is a good friend, she can be very kind. However I am worried about her offending someone at the party, especially one member of my family particularly who is very sensitive. Not inviting her isn't an option, she is part of a large group of friends and it would effectively end our friendship. How would you handle this one? Would it be unreasonable to have a bit of a word with her beforehand and say my relative is sensitive or something?

Designate another friend to shadow her and intervene?

Have a word with both the friend and the sensitive family member?

Pick a date you know either friend or family member can’t come?

Are you using this complete non issue—this manufactured crisis—to avoid having any kind of party? I would suggest you tackle the bigger issue which is you are taking ownership of—or have been raised to take ownership, of everyone’s experiences snd feelings but your own. In reality you are not responsible for making sure “your relative” is never upset or annoyed by your abrasive friend. Nor are you responsible for your abrasive friend not being invited to your party so she can shit sll over everyone in a pathetic bid to feel better about herself.

Try googling Mel Robins and “let then” and try teaching yourself to “drop the rope” and walk away from other people’s drive to ruin things or make everything messy.

Well, then you're suffering because you have a tactless, interfering, gobby friend.

Are you saying she behaves like this to you, though you somehow don't mind, but that if you said to her 'Look, Barbara, put a sock in it, would you? I don't care whether you think my relationship is on its last legs, my parenting is lax, and my ass looks big in this dress -- why don't you practice thinking things without saying them out loud? It's quite possible and you won't explode, you know', she would throw a tantrum?

That had occurred to me, too. If the Op doesn't really want to have a party, she has a (somewhat thin) excuse in Sensitive Person having to be kept apart from Gobby Person.

The issue is her being overly opinionated, that's fine. Just tell her she needs to be polite at the housewarming with all but XYZ of her own close mates; spell out if needed "i.e. no comments about people kids please" or whatever. If she can't manage it then she's not much of a mate really, and you'll be able to explain to her next time why she isn't on the invite list.

I have a friend like this so I know just what you mean, op. Anything you tell her rebounds somehow. For example I told her dh was trying to lose weight (as was I). First time she saw him after that she said sarcastically 'I see the diet's going well then. Ha, NOT!' This was so awkward and offensive and her answer was of course, 'oh you know what I'm like, I don't mean anything by it.'

Indeed. So if the OP's friend comes out with a tactless comment like this, it isn't for the OP to feel guilt. It's up to the two grown adults involved to manage their relationship. Does it matter if the sensitive relative thinks the friend is crass/opinionated?
The only thing that occurs to me is whether the OP has told gobby friend a secret that she doesn't want blurted out at the party. In which case, OP, have a word with her beforehand.

Not saying you're wrong but I really can't see that myself! Why would she post asking for advice if it was a definite no to the party?

OP seems afraid of offending her offensive friend who doesn't care who she upsets, if she tells her she's offensive.

Won't there by anyone there who'll just tell her to STFU, OP? Does she know what she's like?

I wouldn't want to be around someone like that-who doesn't care if they upset people.

Chances are they won't even speak to each other and if they do, it will be very superficial small talk. If I invite groups of people who know each other, people generally talk to the people they already know, they might say hi and exchange a few words, but they are very unlikely to start having a heart to heart with someone they've never met.

This 💯

Why would she be offended? You're just telling her as it is?
'Look Lisa, you're rude, abrasive and obnoxious.
Nobody wants to have to hear you wax on again with your shitty nasty opinions. Wind your neck in!!'

I think this is one of those things that is not your problem. Let them crack on. The exception being if this friend is so bad that you're embarrassed to be friends with her. In which case be honest and stop being friends.

Most people will be more polite towards strangers anyway, is she really likely to start commenting on a strangers relationship or kids? How would she even know anything about them?

Unless it's something visually obvious like a trans relative and a vocally anti trans friend. In which case don't invite the friend and explain why

So not outspoken. Rude.

But she doesn't care who she offends or upsets

Why is she a friend? She's nasty

She's not worried about offending anyone else though is she? meanwhile everyone is falling over themselves not to offend her

Tell her as she is such a fan of plain speaking, you want to have a word upfront, then tell her to tone it down at the party. She of all people should understand the need for being open and honest.

If two parties and/or not inviting gobby friend are not options, maybe you should warn any sensitive family members about said gobby friend? This may go down better than trying to get her to tone it down.

Honestly it sounds like your life would be easier if you ditch her!

However, if this too difficult due to the shared friendship group, I would ask a trusted person who is braver to stay near her and call her out on it

i wish I was your friend - I would do it gladly!

You are not responsible for how someone behaves and you are not responsible for how someone reacts/interprets someone's behaviour. Have the party, invite who you want and stop worrying about a potential issue that may or may not happen that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Enjoy yourself!

Which is exactly what she does to other people everywhere she goes, so why are you so worried about being honest with her?

She sounds like one of those awful ‘tell-it-like-it-is’ people, who see themselves as unflinchingly honest truth tellers, whereas in fact they’re just plain rude, with bullying tendencies and a lack of empathy. And they’re rarely happy to be on the receiving end of the same straightforwardness.

Sounds like you’re worried she’ll kick off if you say anything, which is exactly how these people get everyone else to pander to them.

It boggles my brain that this one ‘friend’ holds such power over you that you would give up on a celebration you’d like to host, to mark a milestone event in your life, just so you don’t upset her by asking her to be less of a twat to all your other guests. Can you not see how messed up and unfair that is, to you and everyone else?

So why are you having one? If the idea makes you anxious even before you consider your blunt friend’s potential to cause offence, just don’t have a party. It’s not like having anxiety over medical tests or a job interview, where you have to find a way to deal with it. No one is obliged to have a housewarming party.

That reads to me that you really don't want to have a housewarming at all, are you considering it because people 'expect' you to have a party?

And because you don't really want to do it, you're scanning round for a reason not to and your rude tactless lashing-out-at-others-because-unhappy friend seems the perfect excuse to give when asked?

Doesn't sound like that's a option for OP though as they actuallywant to keep this friend.

because if people say its fine for her to decide not to have the party, she will feel vindicated...I see quite a few aibu's like this. The person wants their view validated or their decision excused. Not saying the OP is doing this but people do.

I've never had a housewarming party, my idea of seven circles of hell.

Maybe have an open house with different people coming at different times through the day but never have a party you don't want, it's your safe space, not a venue for entertainment.