To not have a housewarming because of this friend

[Isitme27]

I'd like to have a housewarming but I have one friend who is quite outspoken. She will speak her mind and sometimes says things that upset people. She can be tactless. I know people may ask why im friends with her but otherwise she is a good friend, she can be very kind. However I am worried about her offending someone at the party, especially one member of my family particularly who is very sensitive. Not inviting her isn't an option, she is part of a large group of friends and it would effectively end our friendship. How would you handle this one? Would it be unreasonable to have a bit of a word with her beforehand and say my relative is sensitive or something?

Omg don't tell a friend to 'tone it down'. 🤦

I can't see how it's impossible to have a family party or a friend's party, even if it's somehow impossible to do both. Much easier not to mix groups.

I just really disagree with you.

From personal experience I found my “I say it like it is” friend needed to be told she was being rude and needed to tone it down.

As a friend sometimes we need to be honest if our friends are wrong, sorry you disagree

She sounds awful.
I don't think any amount of her being kind at other times would make me keep this friendship.
Have you been on the recieving end of it OP?

Tell the friend your family member is a bit sensitive and warn your family member about them. You can't never have a party with friends and family because of one person!

I don't understand how this isn't an option, invite your family over one weekend and have your friends round the next?

She doesn’t seem to have any issue offending anyone else - which is exactly what you say if she gets offended.

”Bit rich taking a huff when you’re always giving out your every opinion, hen. This is someone finally giving you theirs.”

If someone told me to 'tone it down' the friendship would be over anyway.

I can’t stand people who can dish it out, but can’t take it.

I understand what you are saying but if you read the thread you’d see OP’s friend can be quite nasty. I don’t see an issue with telling a friend they need to pack it in a bit becuase their attitude isn’t great to others. I personally still stand by telling a friend when they’re wrong.

I’d want a friend to tell me “X you’re being quite rude lately, you need to tone it down as others have picked up on some hurtful things you’ve said”

If you would rather end the relationship than take honest opinions on board that’s on you

Since she has good qualities and you want to keep the friendship, is it really the end of the world if someone gets offended? Assuming she is not going to make racist/homophobic etc comments but just may be strident in her views I think I'd just let her get on with it. If you tell her x family member is a bit sensitive she may blurt this out so I wouldn't do that I reckon.

Agree, it’s ridiculous to say it isn’t an option. Clearly OP has a friend group that includes this woman and they all know already what she’s like and are fine with it. Invite they entire group over for drinks and nibbles, however you party.

A different weekend have the whole family down for a BBQ or a meal, whatever you’d do with the extended family and any other close friends that aren’t in this group.

It very certainly is an option. This isn’t a wedding reception, it’s just a housewarming. You can definitely toast it up twice.

My mum has a friend like this. You just have to really tell her off for it when she crosses a line. If she’s being a rude twat tell her.
We stopped inviting her to things when she really offended somebody, for a few glorious years I didn’t see her at all. She’s reined it in (a bit) these days but I’ll be honest I avoid gatherings when I know she’ll be there.

Yes I agree. If you can give it then take it.

So what? Why shouldn’t she be offended? It won’t kill her. You are doing her no favours by letting her destroy her social life.

If you were only told to tone down being constantly rude, judgemental, and offending strangers with your attitude I’d imagine you then ending the friendship over it wouldn’t be the end of their world.

I can't afford to have two. And I struggle with anxiety so I am pushing out of my comfort zone to have one.

I also don't want to have two, I want to get everyone together I just don't want her to offend anyone particularly one person

The fact that this friend is causing you this dilemma isn’t good. I have been in your position OP. Does she ever say things that upset you?

why not?

Have the party. Deal with the fallout if and when she says something. It’s not for you to audit. If she says something that puts someone’s nose out of joint then that’s between her and them.

If someone at a party had a pop at me for the way I live my life, I’m strong enough to deal with it. I might laugh it off, I might snap back, I might just say ‘totally disagree Lisa’. I wouldn’t blame the host of the party. You have no control. She might say something embarrassing but so might Auntie Brenda.

Maybe tip off the person who is a bit sensitive and say ‘Lisa is coming to the party, so you might want to give her a wide birth’. Gobby, opinionated people at parties are a worry, but they also liven up proceedings which you sometimes need.

Why would it be more expensive to split it down the line? You aren’t inviting more people.

Also, as someone with high levels of anxiety and ASD who struggles socially, I find smaller and more controlled gatherings to be much easier to manage.

Also; there is no rule to say you need to have any housewarming at all. When DP and I bought our house we did intend to do one but it never manifested. We hosted his parents one weekend and we did have friends over for drinks when first moved in. I couldn’t even imagine mixing the two! No thank you.

So your options are
Don't have a party
Have 2
Tell nasty friend to shut it and risk her turning on you
Spend the whole party worrying about the friend being a cow to someone

Which is the least worse?

You absolutely cannot control what other people do. The only person whose actions you can control is you. You can always only have what is possible. Decide of the possible options what you want and go for that.

Yes she does say things that upset me sometimes