House deposit

[GassyCanister]

If you had two children, would you give £20,000 to one towards a house deposit. Nothing to the other?

Context:
Child 1 has 2 children of their own. Previously owned home, moved to bigger home, price increased significantly between purchase / selling so had a fair bit of equity.

Child 2 first time buyer. No children of their own.

i won’t say who I am yet in the story until I’ve got some idea if I’m being unreasonable or not.

If one was considerably better off and more financially secure than the other, I might well give what help I could afford to the less well-off one for the time being, but I would adjust my Will to redress the balance once I am dead so that overall they receive equally.

No probably not, I think I’d give £10k each. Although, I might consider gifting it to the first time buyer and making sure to stipulate the difference of inheritance in my will. Just based on need. But would have an open honest conversation with both kids to make sure both were on board.

I just can’t get past the fact you’re quoting paying your child’s bus fares to get them to SCHOOL as helping them out.

I have read your comment over and over and I am still just stunned. Bus fares. To school.

Treating people equally doesn’t mean that they both get the same. It depends on circumstances. Sometimes practical support is more useful than financial. Sometimes, financial support is necessary.

In the situation you describe I would be stepping away.
Such inequity is wrong.
Accept it and step away.
It sounds like he is the favoured child.
You cannot change parents like this.
Best accept it and step away.

It depends, if child 1 needed additional space and child 2 was significantly younger and not in the position to buy yet I wouldn’t feel the need to give them the exact same amount as long as it balanced out over time.

@GassyCanister blatant favouritism!! that is awful! on the plus side you can refer your parents to your brother when they need assistance as they get older and you can also cut the lot of them out of your life! you brother most likely knows that he is the golden child!

I am basically child 1 here, though we didn’t get help from PIL for deposit. I’m lucky to be in much better paid work than my sibling. Sibling works at least as hard, probably harder. I would in no way begrudge my parents giving sibling a 20k gift towards deposit. I’d probably be trying to pass some money to them to help sibling too.

But it does depend on a lot of things. And I don’t think that how I feel should be how others in my situation would feel.

edited to add - when we were in a much tighter position with high early mortgage costs and expensive childcare crossover for a couple of years, my parents helped us monthly with a contribution to childcare costs. They said if they lived closer they’d have looked after baby for us but they are hours away and couldn’t but wanted to help. We were very grateful. I don’t know if they did similar for sibling but I would not be at all surprised. Basically I know if we needed it they would help. So I don’t begrudge anything.

So you found out about this because you asked and they said no?

I honestly think the answer to all situations like this is- open and honest communication and the feeling that equity and equality are considered.

I would always try and help a child if I could, but not at the expense of the feelings of the other.

In this circumstance as child 1, I wouldn’t be able to accept help, and particularly if that meant a negative impact to my sibiling. I think my sibling would feel pretty much the same, so I suspect that this may not the first time that sibiling 1 has received preferential treatment?

I’m the older child who earns (now more than my siblings) and I have my mortgage on my home. My middle sibling has moved in with her partner and is now on the mortgage with him. My younger sibling who earns a good salary but is in HA house.

I wouldn’t mind if my younger sibling got some help, it would feel a little unequal as me and my other sibling haven’t ever had any help. Right now it feels fair but what happens if something happens like one of looses our jobs or ill health.

My younger sibling though often complains that their life is harder, even though they made their own choices in life (had children very young but luckily enough went back to uni and got a degree which now means they in a very good job and have good pension) They do feel very much entitled to more help as they don’t own their own house and expect it rather than being offered /gifted.

I don’t expect anything but it would hurt a little if they helped my sibling. Not that I would say it out aloud.

No , I would not do that.
My husband's brother had a big house bought for him by my in-laws and my husband did not receive anything.
It caused major issues in the family for years.

I would give the child who needed the deposit 20k without giving the other anything at that time, as it doesn't sound like they need it currently? But then I'd expect to give the other something when they needed it too.

This is a shame OP, could it be worth explaining to your brother and asking him for a loan if possible? If he's as well-off as you say.

If I was my MIL yes…

if I was a decent parent… No.

but my DH also refuses to address or query the huge delta in favouritism.

you need to ask them how they think it’s fair he gets 20k and you get nothing

My mums motto has always been 'what you give to one, you have to give to the others.'

It would need to be something extreme for the distinction to be made, like a disability or a bereavement. I would be upset, hurt and confused if I were in your shoes.

Do your parents have the money to give you?
I would like to think I would treat all my children equally but if one came to me and asked to borrow 20k towards a deposit, I wouldn't automatically give the others 20k too.
If I had loaned one child a huge amount I probably wouldn't have the same amount of cash available to loan/gift the others even if I wanted too (which I obviously would).

Ok so I would only give one 20k if I had 20k in reserve for the other. Treat children fairly.. because I know how painful unfairness is from parents

ubless the need was absolutely dire - homelessness and so at risk of losing a job , trying to divorce and abusive partner

Well that sucks. No I certainly wouldn’t treat children differently like that. I know my parents wouldn’t either; I must have heard my mother say 1,000 times “no I’m not helping with a house deposit, I can’t afford for all three of you so I’m not for any of you”. But then she did help with things like large appliances and that was all pretty equal as a recall.

I think the only justification for treating siblings unequally is if one has an illness or a disability or something that otherwise limits their ability to look after themselves and to earn.

I think it’s not as simple as you think it might be. It depends on timing - did they give him money when they felt richer? Or had more? Is brother the sole earner for a family? Do they consider themselves to have given it to their grandkids?

my PIL paid for husbands sister’s extension, they paid a contribution (much less) towards ours. SIL does a lot for them and they are very close to her children. We were grateful for the contribution but it wasn’t expected (at least by me… think husband would have been disappointed, wouldn’t have said anything though).

Just No. £10k each, or balance it out in your will if you must. But its a shitty thing to do otherwise.

In your specific example, its either a case of first come first served - your parents no longer have a buffer of money that they are comfortable with, or you feel family dynamics are at play...golden child etc.

It would be an absolute last resort but if I did I would try and level it up in my will

I was always treated differently to my sibling...I am the eldest....always left out...older now and it continued. Not even a birthday or Christmas acknowledgment....NO CONTACT NOW....it hurts and will cause upset if the other finds out. Give the same amount to the other. They may actually appreciate it

This

We have 2 DDs with vastly different incomes. We have given both house deposits but exactly the same. However they were far bigger deposits and it’s important to treat them equally.