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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House deposit

88 replies

GassyCanister · 18/03/2025 22:23

If you had two children, would you give £20,000 to one towards a house deposit. Nothing to the other?

Context:
Child 1 has 2 children of their own. Previously owned home, moved to bigger home, price increased significantly between purchase / selling so had a fair bit of equity.

Child 2 first time buyer. No children of their own.

i won’t say who I am yet in the story until I’ve got some idea if I’m being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Wakeywake · 18/03/2025 23:06

Generally speaking, no. However, if one child was 20k short of their deposit right now and the other one wasn't even interested in buying yet, I might help out the first one now and hope to even it out later (eg when downsizing).

Oftenaddled · 18/03/2025 23:06

Talk to them.

Rich kid might not mind.

Consider adjusting your will to rebalance

Otherwise give 10K each, unless ...

... don't treat them "equally" if one is fine and the other is in genuine need or danger and you can't afford to help both. But you can be open if that's the case.

I know we don't know who you are in this scenario, but that's the advice I'd give anyone in this situation.

PickledElectricity · 18/03/2025 23:08

I might, but the advance would be reflected in my will.

We are child 1 in your scenario and it feels like DP's parents are constantly punishing him for being "successful". He doesn't earn significantly more than his sister but on paper it looks like a lot. She lives somewhere much cheaper and lifestyles are similar and yet she's the one getting help from parents all the time.

It is grating to see and if their wills reflect this preferential treatment I'm not sure there will be much of a relationship left.

I'd hate to have this impact on my own children.

Radionowhere · 18/03/2025 23:11

Yes I would.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/03/2025 23:38

I would give it.

But....I would adjust my will to take that into account so that ultimately I had given them the same.

The eldest has got on the ladder done well, the youngest needs that boost. I think it would actually be unfair to not help the youngest if I had the money to do it.

bananasandtoasties · 18/03/2025 23:42

Absolutely not - give them each £10k

CoastalCalm · 19/03/2025 00:35

No they should be treat equally , I’ve had this discussion with my parents a couple of times most recently when my mum said she was changing will to leave a third to me , third to my brother and third to his children. My niece and nephew will benefit from my estate and it felt like a put down for not being able to be a mother due to years of chronic ill health.

stanleypops66 · 19/03/2025 06:06

Depends on circumstances. My parents bought my a house (well got a mortgage) that my db moved into and then transferred it to my db 2 years later once he had a work record (had lived abroad) and could get his own mortgage. He got a substantial discount of around 35% when it was transferred. Db has had some bad luck and health problems. I’m a bit older and had already owned a house for 15 years. I never had any help with deposits etc. I don’t begrudge my parents helping him out one bit. I’m just glad he’s happy. Suppose it depends on the family dynamics.

CeciliaMars · 19/03/2025 06:10

My mum gifted me £10k as a house deposit after both my siblings got on the housing ladder. But she also wrote it into her will that I will get £10k less than the others when she dies. It was much more useful to me back then and I’m very grateful.

Agix · 19/03/2025 06:13

Treat the kids equally. Just because one is richer than the other doesn't mean the money wouldn't be useful.

ItsUpToYou · 19/03/2025 06:14

I don’t think I would, but I suppose I’m quite a way away from being in that situation so may feel differently if actually faced with it.

Original poster
GassyCanister · 19/03/2025 06:14

Thanks for the replies.

I am child 2 but not the one being given any help with deposit. Brother was given help when moving house from inheritance. He is also a higher earner than I am.

We’ve been in talks with mortgage provider, they asked if we could put slightly more deposit down to get better rate. I asked parents if I could possibly borrow a bit off them (amount significantly less than £20,000) but was told no because they’ve already had to give extra to brother.

OP posts:
autisticbookworm · 19/03/2025 06:14

Whilst I don’t think everything has to be shared and equal for siblings it seems unfair you helped one and not the other. I’d do £10k each.

Richiewoo · 19/03/2025 06:35

Absolutely not. Both should be treated equally.

stanleypops66 · 19/03/2025 08:05

So brother already got help? Did he need it at the time?

Bolscassis · 19/03/2025 08:14

Wow! At least when your parents need help in future you can direct them to your brother. What bastards.

farmlife2 · 19/03/2025 08:22

Without some exceptional circumstance, children should always be treated equally for that sort of thing.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 19/03/2025 08:25

I would feel angry and upset in your situation. Your parents have not behaved fairly. Would they defend it that they were enduring their GC had an adequate house?

stealthninjamum · 19/03/2025 08:25

Im sorry op that’s shit. I don’t believe you should give one child some money if you can’t afford to give the same to another.

(unless the other child is wealthier and says they don’t mind. For example I wouldn’t have minded my mum giving money to my brother because I earnt more)

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/03/2025 08:25

No.

Sharptonguedwoman · 19/03/2025 08:26

I would treat equally unless there is some way of making the difference up later. Inequality causes all sorts of grief.

Hertsmum78 · 19/03/2025 08:28

No, never. Give to all children equally.

there’s a reason why King Lear is a tragedy.

these things don’t end well.

planthelpadvice · 19/03/2025 08:32

I think it's ok to treat your children differently according to their circumstances and need. For example, many years ago my parents gave me money towards a flat deposit and then contributed to our wedding. My sibling didn't get the same as he wasn't buying a property and didn't get married. But they have since helped him financially when he needed it and not me. At other times we've both been given money equally.

I think the wonder relationship with the siblings and parents counts too. The update you've given does put a different perspective on things.

mushypeasontoast · 19/03/2025 08:33

Potentially. Dc1 very academic qualified in the 11+ for grammar. Over the time there we paid a small fortune in bus fares, they then went to university and had a small amount of financial input- car insurance costs etc. Now has a good career and financially secure.

Dc2 not academic, left school, got a job and is earning slightly more than minimum wage, paid for their own car insurance but will struggle to get a mortgage based on their income. Yes, we may well support them but this will be done in discussion with them both.

My job is to support them as best as I can, and help them with what they need at different times in their lives.

chainsinnalice · 19/03/2025 08:37

My husband's brother was gifted £60k to get on the property ladder whilst my DH was given £0.

My DH and his brother rented a flat together when I met my DH. We met later in life (late 30's) and I was already on the property ladder. We bought a house together.

BIL said he's quite like to own somewhere but didn't earn enough to get an enough of a mortgage. My PIL gifted him £60k to help him buy a fat with a modest mortgage.

It's really, really affected my DH. He has tried to talk to his parents about it but they say he got on the property ladder through me so didn't need 'help'. It's really upsetting for him as he thinks it's favoutism and I can't help but agree. There are no underlying health conditions with the brother, he just works in a minimum wage job because he doesn't want any stress. He is single and happy that way.

I just can't see how they think giving one brother £60k and the other £0 is right? There are other things they do for the brother as well (including MIL making him packed lunches for work - he's 38) but that's a whole other thread. He's been totally babied by them.

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