To not want my grandkids to come over because they make me ill?

[MrsSlocombesCat]

I hate being ill, I have a son with ASD who depends on me. I also have a problem with alcohol.I have been really good at not drinking since the old new year resolution but I have my two grandchildren over once a week and just lately I have gone down with a cold after every visit. I feel privileged to have this, my son, their dad, moved to Scotland and these visits are precious to me. In the last few weeks I have caught something from them every time they visit. Last winter I caught a cold and ended up with pneumonia. When I feel ill I end up drinking which isn't ideal. For my own good it would be better if I didn't see them which would be really hard. I have asked them not to come if they have a cold but they just try to conceal it. Any advice appreciated.

As an alcoholic @MrsSlocombesCat your post says to me - I am choosing alcohol over my children and grandchildren.
You've made the excuse of illness, and that perhaps brings them relief!
You can't kid a kidder, you're more comfortable knowing that you won't see anybody because you won't have to interrupt your drinking.

Tell me I'm wrong.

You sound overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted to me. It’s so hard to have an ASD adult relying on you 24/7, as I know well X Maybe the extra responsibility of your grandchildren tips you over the edge just now, even though you clearly love them very much x It’s important to look after your health; it’s essential to factor in some relaxation time and self care more - the booze is a habit to escape, I’ve been down that path too. If you’re more relaxed and take little ‘ brain breaks’ and fresh air in the day you may be less inclined to turn to alcohol to relax, then you’ll be less drained to see your little ones xx

It will be the alcohol abuse giving you a weak immune system, my dad is always unwell because of it. First of all, you need to get your drinking problem under control, you using being ill as an excuse is simply that, an excuse, get help, because I imagine everyone who loves you wants you to live as longer life as possible. Secondly, maybe see them outside until the warmer weather properly comes in, there is lots going around at the moment.

You are wrong. I only drink when I feel unwell, it doesn't affect anyone else. The kids come round regardless. I only ever drink during the last hour before bed. I hate feeling ill to the point of phobia so I drink for comfort.

It's not every week because when I feel like shit they don't come. It's been 2 colds in 4 weeks.

I only drink when I am ill. I don't think I am actually an alcoholic because I only drink late evening and I don't get withdrawal when I don't drink.

It's not my son it's my grandkids.

I didn't drink for two months before I got the first cold. I actually have a healthy lifestyle I walk every day and eat healthily.

Could you do something outdoors with them, to avoid the risk of contagion?

I don't think you can ask an ex DIL who was facilitating visits, despite DS having moved away, to stay away because he children are germ laden, without jeopardising your relationship.

You're missing the point a bit. I am phobic about getting ill. The alcohol is just a part of that.

I already use this.

Take a vitamin D supplement- this has really helped cold avoidance in this household. Also the first defence stuff you spray up your nose, I use that after any suspected exposure, if someone is coughing on the bus or in an enclosed space. Seems to work.
Little kids are germ factories as anyone with kids at nursery will testify! Take them to the park or play in the garden if you have one?

I think the number of posters who have touched upon the load you’re carrying, are getting the core of this issue, which I feel is less around colds and more around your ability to carry this load. I think you need to listen to this message and there have been some great suggestions about conversations you could have with your son. The issue about grandchildren and illness is just a symptom I think of the much bigger issue.

Does your son have any contact with his kids or has he just abandoned them? Because if you do this, if you tell their mum to stop bringing them round then that will be it. You won’t have them in your life. All because you can’t control your drinking when you have a cold.

I’d get help for the alcoholism before cutting off my grandkids. Caring for your ASD son is tough, but cutting off family won’t help with that.

I already do all that. Also I probably should have mentioned that my grandkids are 11 and 13. I'm hoping that summer will stop all the bugs!

Ok. So you are an alcoholic but aren’t ready to admit that and can’t accept it’s part of the problem here. And that’s fine. You are an adult and your alcohol intake is your decision.

To be clear are you seeing you NEVER want to see your grandchildren incase they make you ill?

Ha ha your comment made me smile. I do have a lot on, I also have a YouTube channel that takes up a lot of my time. But I am fine coping with everything - until I get a cold. Hopefully the summer months will kill all the bugs.

The alcohol is the problem. Alcohol does significantly impact the immune system, no matter when you drink. Therefore if you drink alcohol when you get a cold its linked to worsening and extending the symptoms. So when you drink 'for comfortable' because you hate being ill, you are actually making yourself sicker for longer.

Then your system is down from the drinking and worse illness, so you catch another. And you drink more. Repeat.

No one likes being sick, but colds shouldn't be debilitating you as much as you claim. You will however feel pretty rough if you have a minor cold and a hangover from downing drinks before going to bed the night before.

No of course not. I just wish they would be honest and admit they have a virus and not come when they do. I thought about messaging their mum but I don't want to put a fly in the ointment and annoy her. It's funny because it's only happened in recent weeks, all through winter I was fine until then. Actually I was drinking regularly throughout that time! It's only since I stopped that I have been catching the colds. But that's probably a coincidence and believe it or not I don't find it difficult not to drink when I am feeling my normal self.

The second day of the cold was the worst and I didn't drink until the third.

Theres some big assumptions here from posters?!

I am mid thirties and can pretty much guarantee if I visit friends with sick kids, that I’ll catch it too! So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your immune system, it’s just how viruses spread & kids can be great at spreading them around. My friends parents tend to tell me ahead & then depending what I’ve got planned in next week, I decide whether it’s worth the risk or not.

Meeting outdoors is probably a safer bet but not that practical right now as it’s cold. A chat with the parent or kids about how you don’t cope well at the moment when you do catch a cold so please let you know ahead of visits seems reasonable?

Yes my son does have contact with the kids. He visits every couple of months. He lives 400 miles away. And yes he pays maintenance.

I would hope it's not anything on purpose - I have 2 kids and my threshold for thinking someone is ill enough to mention it is really high nowadays - it has to be 'actually' sick as opposed to a cold for me to think it's worth changing plans. So their mother might not understand what you mean when you say 'don't visit if you're sick'. I don't even notice snotty noses and such nowadays (though was 100% careful with my friend who was immunocompressed and basically never brought my kids as they have nonstop colds)

I think it's lovely that an 11/13 year old are still coming to see you - at this point it is their choice and they are choosing to maintain that connection despite your son being so absent. I really wouldn't want to discourage it.

If you feel like your drinking isn't in your control or external factors such as being slightly unwell make you behave in a way you'd prefer not to, it's a problem. A drinking problem is important to recognise and it would be good to get some support in managing this.

Ok, so on one hand you are claiming you are drinking because of the colds and you hate being ill. Then next you don't start drinking until after the worst of the cold has passed so it's not the alcohols fault...

If you're not drinking until after you start to get better then the cold isn't the reason and you're drinking because you want to drink and using having a cold as an excuse.

Sorry OP but you’re an alcoholic. You deny and make excuses, you’re inconsistent and evasive in your answers about your drinking, and you drink to cope with things you find difficult. It’s not about quantity, time of day or anything else. Alcoholics aren’t just poor things asleep on a bench with a bottle of Buckfast. They have jobs, run businesses, take their kids to school - even look after grandchildren. But they’re still alcoholics.