To not want my grandkids to come over because they make me ill?

[MrsSlocombesCat]

I hate being ill, I have a son with ASD who depends on me. I also have a problem with alcohol.I have been really good at not drinking since the old new year resolution but I have my two grandchildren over once a week and just lately I have gone down with a cold after every visit. I feel privileged to have this, my son, their dad, moved to Scotland and these visits are precious to me. In the last few weeks I have caught something from them every time they visit. Last winter I caught a cold and ended up with pneumonia. When I feel ill I end up drinking which isn't ideal. For my own good it would be better if I didn't see them which would be really hard. I have asked them not to come if they have a cold but they just try to conceal it. Any advice appreciated.

Honestly I’d just suck it up and see it as good for your immune system. And figure out what will help you not drink, put strategies in place for it.

It’s highly unlikely you’re catching a new cold from your two grandchildren every week.

You don’t drink because you’re ill, you drink because you’re an alcoholic.

Own your actions.

Handgel or soap and water as soon as your grandsons enter your house or when you meet them. They must take their shoes off at the door as well. Cough and sneeze into their elbow. Get these actions in place and hopefully you’ll avoid the germs. Wipe down common surfaces after their visit.

It's likely that your lifestyle is impacting your immune system rather than your grandchildren are swimming in germs.

I think it’s likely your drinking is affecting your immune system, so you get more colds I think it makes you especially susceptible to pneumonia, from what I’ve heard.

Your son shouldn’t be lying to you about the colds though, that’s not on.

Just say sorry but you are unable to have your grandchildren over for the time being. And see how you feel in two or three weeks.

Can't you follow COVID rules? windows open in the house. Take them to the park or something outside. Wrap them up warm they'll be fine.

I would look to join AA or something like that rather than rely on everything being perfect in order to stay sober. Life isn't perfect. If you're struggling except in the perfect conditions, you need some extra help.

Are you saying that your son (their father) has moved away, but their mother is still allowing you to see them? If so you should be very careful what you wish for. You might end up with no contact at all. Is that worth it?

Get medical help for your alcoholism. Put your grandchildren before alcohol.

Oh dear op, now you have been honest and admitted to having an addiction and to being a flawed human being, you will receive very little sympathy on here because you are not perfect like all of the other posters 😄

Congrats for being moderate with the sauce since the NY and sorry you have been so ill.

Unlike a pp, I can well believe that you have succumbed to frequent viruses, as they have been rife in my workplace of late.

I imagine it’s very demanding being a full time carer to your son with ASD and that can lower your immunity in itself, if you don’t get many respite breaks, or if your sleep is interrupted. I imagine you use alcohol to push through the periods when you are tired or unwell?

Could you compromise over the gc visits? I know little children are petri-dishes but if the visits are very precious to you, it seems a bit extreme to stop them completely.

I think you could legitimately say to the parents of your grandsons, that you are finding everything a bit much atm, and that you need a month’s break, by which time the weather will be warmer and the circulating viruses will be hopefully fewer in number?

But op, said very gently, are you sure that you are getting enough support with your caring duties? Do you receive all of the benefits to which you are entitled? Does your son with ASD ever go away to give you some respite?

Your dependence on alcohol might be a coping strategy and an indication that you are struggling? In which case, can you be honest with the rest of your family? Admit to needing help with your addiction, and more support with looking after your son with ASD?

Maybe instead of bringing their dc around to add to your caring duties, your other son and his partner could give you a break for a while? But they won’t do that unless you are brave and tell them honestly how you are feeling 💐

I just recently got over a 4 week virus given to me by grandchild. I know how you feel. I know every time I go to there home, I will get sick. I do have better luck when they come to mine instead.

Get yourself to your GP for a full check up. The alcohol could have been masking symptoms which are now showing up in your body. Ask for a liver function test whilst there too.

Make sure you're eating well, and getting plenty of vitamins into your system. I think it's less the kids passing on new weekly viruses, vs your body not being where it should be after the drinking. Rule things out and take it from there.

Selfish

I have also been complaining that I’ve had a cold every week since December that I keep catching from the nursery so this is possible. Tbf I am also a carer of an autistic ds, as are you so the demand of that probably weakens the immune system.
can you see them outdoors or put your foot down and say they will be turned away if they come over poorly again?

They try to conceal their colds
How terribly selfish

I am very careful not to see my mum if anyone in my house is ill.

The parents of those small children need to be much, much more careful spreading illnesses to you - particularly as you had pneumonia. That can bloody kill people!

My kids and my brother’s kids take turns getting my parents sick and my parents send it back and forth too. If anything really nasty has been caught, we coordinate to give my parents a month or so away from the kids so they can really recover. And if the kids are sick we suggest going to the park or my mum will mask to protect herself. We don’t hide being sick but we are almost MORE worried if we’re healthy we could be incubators.

Yes focus on hygiene for the kids
Yes take a break and get your energy up
Yes talk to your doctor about your immune system and any tests you should get given your history with alcohol

You are relentlessly supporting a son with ASD 24/7 and have an alcohol issue. You sound like you are struggling and be
Coming run down for a variety reasons. The grandchildren are another responsibility to manage and you need to be well to manage all these demands. You need to have a frank tal with your son or daughter for a temporary reprieve from caring for the children without guilt or accusation from them as your wellbeing must come first at the moment. Big hugs

This will pass as they get a bit older. Can you wear a paper mask and spray down the surfaces they've touched after they've gone? Can you also get them to wash their hands with soap and water the moment they arrive? And can you ask your son if either of them has anything at the moment and delay the visit if they do?

Hope you feel better and feel you can cope. I understand. Please ignore the vipers.

Could you suggest going to the park or something outdoors? I think that's what I'd do.

First defensive nasal spray by Vicks.
you don’t have to have a cold to use it.

I use it before my snotty lot come to visit as I can’t afford to be ill but I don’t want to miss out on them coming

Very tricky @MrsSlocombesCat !
I was constantly getting flu or similar when my children were small, like 3 x per month, and I was in my 20s then.
Can you spend more time outdoors when with them?
Also windows open when indoors?

Oh & well done for keeping to your resolution😇 it's important to avoid things that could lead you into temptation, I dont know why people are shooting you down so much!

It is absolutely possible to be catching viruses from children. And their parents hiding the illness, that's really bad.

Unfortunately, masks work the other way, they need to be worn by the sick person.

I'm afraid meeting (only) outside is the only option, even if it means just a short walk together.

@MrsSlocombesCat

Your immune system is knackered due to a alcohol abuse. I can say this openly because my central nervous system and immune system is knacked from alcohol abuse.

Can I ask if you smoke too? I did until 6 weeks ago. 30 years roll ups
I never thought I could quit smoking... Well I've done it, arming with a cheap vape, juices that are 20mg/10ml nicotine. I haven't even wanted a fag.
Drinking isn't perfect, but I feel so much healthier already. I can't feel my feet as I fucked myself up so much...
I must have ran 3 miles round park with granddaughter last week.
I've not picked up anything viral for a good while.
It's worth it, you can do it!