My 14yr old is saying she is trans

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This turned into a brain dump.
TL:DR my 14 year old daughter says she trans. How can I deal with this nonsense?

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At her school it's fashionable to fall under the LGBT+ flag. She has always been openly gay/bi/pan (depending on the day) but in the last year or so, other people have convinced her she is trans.

The reason? She has very short hair (because she hates brushing it), wears tshirts and cargos (because they are comfy and she has zero interest in clothes), is tall (genetics) calls herself by a (stupid made up) gender neutral name (because she hates her real name) and never used to be bothered when strangers thought she was a boy. We'd roll our eyes and laugh about it.

But she has given in to the seemingly constant "accusations" that she is trans. In the last year or so, she has developed noticable breasts and she hates her body (more than normal teenage girl stuff) and sees any suggestions of being a girl as being the worse thing in the world. I used to call her my "lovely girl" etc. I now try to say my "lovely one" instead.

I don't want to encourage this but nor do I want to make her to shut down / become entrenched /make a bigger deal out of it. We still call her she and we also call her by her proper name. She seems happy with that. As far as I can make out all her friends still call her she too.

One of her friends claims to be trans. This is mainly because she likes football and her dad told her girls don't play football. Another is trans because she has a boys haircut, has a small chest and doesn't like her feminine name. What is this nonsense?

Her and a friend went to Pride last year. I never used to have any issues about that but last year it definitely had more of a kink/fetish thing going on which made me very uncomfortable and Im not sure how I feel about her going this year. I might have to double book her so that she doesn't go but I'm not stopping her iyswim.

A stall at Pride also sold her a chest binder. I'm still furious about that. I found it by accident (which is how this all came out). I talked to her about it causing tissue damage etc and I've bought her some medium support sports tops that don't look like bras and she seems OK about that if not completely happy.

She is in scouts and I have told her categorically that she will not be sharing tents, toilets etc with boys. She looked at me like I was stupid and asked why she would want to.

I don't care about her sexual orientation (as long as she's happy and her relationships are healthy). I do care that she is being pushed into this gender ideology crap based on, as far as I can tell, nothing biy good old fashioned gender stereotypes.

When I found the chest binder and asked her about it, she denied all knowledge and pretended she didn't know what it was. I kept it neutral and just said it was to make people look flat chested but it causes tissue damage and could have long term effects. She still denied it was hers but then burst into tears and said she was trans. Obviously my first reaction was to give her a hug and tell her we love her.

Last week someone called her son and I asked how she felt about it. She looked really sad but then angrily said "it's better than being a girl". That's the most I can get out of her really.

I don't know where she is getting this from. I've looked at her YouTube stuff (under the guise of her showing me her favoirite videos) and I can't see anything obvious in there. I've asked her outright and she just shrugs.

She's changing schools in September to somewhere much smaller. I'm hoping that stops some of this. That school runs a "women in science" mentoring type programme. I suggested she might be interested and she flew off the handle. Partly because she doesn't want to get advantages because she is female (which I get) but also because she's trans anyway.

I'm just worried. She's a little ball of anger at the moment and I don't know what to do. I have suggested talking with someone but she refuses to even consider it. I'm also scared we'll end up with someone who supports the trans idea.

Maybe I'm transphobic. I think i might be because I don't support the idea that people can change sex. What even is gender? It's a social stereotype. I don't care if a man wants to wear a dress and call himself Doris. I do care if said man wants to use women only spaces.

I don't want to alienate my daughter.

Am I right in thinking you’re well off and DD has wanted for nothing?

Honestly, I wouldn’t give it any attention. ‘That’s nice’ and ignore.

There's a forum dedicated to this topic and there are some very knowledgeable people there who I'm sure can give you good advice.

I'd try to come at it from a place of curiosity. What does being trans mean for her?

Before she told you she was trans, she was gay/bi/pan
She had an androgynous style in clothes and hair
She doesn't like her breasts.

But it doesn't sound like she wants to be a boy either - not using boys spaces at scouts for example

So has she just fitted a convienent label to shorthand her presentation to the world?

Does she have any gay "non girly girl" women in her life? People who can show her it's normal to be a woman who isn't a feminine stereotype, and who also like women.

You dont need to do anything.
The more you push against it, the more she will go further over.

Your language shows you are extremely anti trans, and she can tell this so may be trying to push your buttons

Kids these days are exposed to so much than we was thanks to the internet ! My best friend growing up was gay, clearly from a young age, he went through a stage early teen years of thinking he wanted to be a girl, we called him his girl name that he wanted to be called, but that’s all it was, a stage, he’s now happily married to another man, still feminine but not a woman.

It’s awful that people are pushing the idea of trans onto kids. I think you’re right to try and find a way to ride it out till she grows up.

There are some good episodes of the Gender, a wider lens podcast (YouTube) that advise on how to talk to children caught up in this. They often suggest getting counselling for yourself, so you can handle it, rather than trying to get support for your daughter. She would reject anyone that doesn’t affirm.

As she's 14 I think I would be broadly neutrally supportive and mostly just avoid the gender politics issue. Since it sounds like you support her sexuality and self-expression (clothing, hair, activity) choices, then I'd leave the gender politics out of it as much as possible and just be supportive and loving.

The "it's better than being a girl" suggests it's more a movement away from something she doesn't want (adult womanhood, and perceived issues around that?) rather than a strong feeling of identification as male, so it might be that as she gets older she'll decide she isn't, or she might affirm her identity, but either way it's her decision to make for herself.

I do wonder about this though - I called myself by a unisex/male name from 7-18, thought of myself as more of a boy, dressed and had more stereotypically "male" interests. In the 90s that made me a tomboy, but I have been worried that if I were younger now, I might be ascribed to be something more by others. I never thought I was actually male, just had zero interest in perceived "female" pursuits, especially as a teen, and might well have said something along the lines of "it's better than being a girl" - because I didn't like the versions of "girl" the media were promoting, and preferred the qualities ascribed to "boy".
I happen to be bi/pan, but that's unrelated to the above.

I'm still pretty similar, other than having reverted to a slightly different version of the name now (and still not my birth name, which I loathe).

I'd be careful about not calling her by her chosen name though - I would have been livid and felt very invalidated if my parents had thought they had more right to decide on what to call me than I did, especially when we want to teach children personal autonomy and boundaries, but if it's true she's not bothered then maybe that's not the case for her.

I don't know where she is getting this from. I've looked at her YouTube stuff (under the guise of her showing me her favoirite videos)

Do you not have parental controls on her phone? Presumably you pay the bill so it is yours and you need to go through it more. Look at all her social media, guarantee you'll find a lot you weren't aware of.

There's an amazing book on this social contagion amongst young girls at the moment. God forbid they could actually just be gay and have short hair.

I agree not to invest too much in it and a not along and 'that's nice dear' is the best way to go here, but she sounds like she's quite far down the road and is surrounded by this contagion.

Please read this, it's so well researched and makes for eye opening reading:

guardianbookshop.com/irreversible-damage-9781800750364/

Ask for this thread to be moved to Feminism section, so much great advice for these wonderful non conforming kids. People are so desperate to deploy sexist stereotypes and make kids trans, I mean where did all the butch lesbians go!!

I’d try the Bayswater Support Group. https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

There's a starand of trans idealogy (and sounds like OP's daughter is immersed in it) that genuinely belive there is no such thing as lesbian, that they are straight men.
Strangely this doesn't go for gay/camp/effeminate men, they're still men.

This looks brilliant. I'm glad something like this is out there.

I also recommend the Bayswater Support group OP.

The fact that you called it nonsense right at the top suggests that maybe you should listen to your daughter and then you might avoid alienating her.

It sounds like she's determined to go on this journey, and surely it's a journey you want to go on with her on and not let her make it on her own.

OP. You are not transphobic. You are a caring mum who wants the best for her daughter.

One more thing to be aware of and that is that despite guidance saying not to, some schools may change your daughter's school record. I have a few friends where this has happened without their permission and without their knowledge.

My own teen had 5 out of their 7 friends in the group declare that they had transgender identities. There is a lot to be concerned about considering the very poor mental health they are show and the added pressure that this causes for all of the 7 friends.

Please do seek support from Bayswater.

@BallerinaRadioand what journey is that? Puberty blockers to give her limited maturity and sexual function? Cross sex hormones that will atrophy her uterus? Why? Because she is non conforming and you need to shove her in a “box” you people are absolute ghouls

It's really sad she thinks that a women in science programme is giving women an unfair boost. Where did she get that idea? It's only there because women are so woefully underrepresented in science (& everything else at present).

I’ve got no advise other than to offer my virtual sympathies. How awful for our children that they have the pressures of this. Oh, for a pre-internet childhood!

Be reassured that in many cases, age 14 is the epicenter of all the worst stuff with girls. So there is a good chance things will improve just because she gets a little older, if you manage to stave off some of this now.

What seems to happen is the kids that are allowed to just completely immerse themselves in gender stuff go into a kind of holding pattern for years where they don't do all the work that is supposed to be done to come to terms with becoming an adult man or woman. So, I wouldn't be supportive.

I would absolutely try to separate her from some of the influences that are pushing this stuff if you can. Hopefully you will luck out with the smaller school, and try and keep her off of the internet as much as you can, but making sure she has other things to do. Keep an eye on her websites and stuff. I'd keep her well away from Pride and related things like school clubs built around LGBTQ.

It also seems to me that she's a bit young for her age and between that and the changes of her body, she is feeling really disconnected from it. And while it's not popular to say this, that may be what the shifting sexuality thing is about - she may just not really be interested in sex and romance yet, and she's trying to fit that within those stupid flags and categories she's learned about at school. So I wouldn't be giving to much energy to any of that stuff either, she really just needs some time to grow up.

Other things that come to mind:

A lot of girls struggle a lot with menstruation, managing flow, the feel of it, the worry about leaking, the way your body feels. Try to help her learn to manage this stuff better and see that while it's annoying, it's not the end of the world. Period panties can help a lot, and knowing how to manage any cramps as effectively as possible.

It's very good to be physically active and in nature - it really helps the connection to the body. I also think connection to nature makes it harder to deny the realities of biological embodiment. Horseback riding, working on a farm, conservation type settings, even just hiking are great options.

I would personally not give in on using a different name or the wrong pronouns. When I was in a similar situation, I told my daughter that there was very good reason that she wasn't allowed to change her name until she was 18 - because teenagers change so much over those years, it prevents regrets. Kids can have whatever dumb nicknames they want among their own friends, but adults and others aren't obligated to use them. You can't really change who you are by changing your name.

A part time job or volunteering might be good too. A lot of these kids need to get outside of themselves.

It’s not transphobic to know that people can’t change sex. It’s not transphobic to know that gender identity ideology is harmful.
It’s not transphobic to stop your daughter from wearing a binder.
Do not let her attend Pride events, turn off her internet access, contact Bayswater for support m.

Yeah, it’s really important that parents take their gender confused children’s word that they’re actually the opposite sex.

It's a shock isn't it OP? It would just be another harmless phase if there weren't toxic adults pushing kids down the drugs and surgery line and describing parents trying to keep their children safe as "anti trans" and suggesting if you try to put boundaries in place to keep her safe, you'll somehow alienate and lose her.

There's some good advice upthread and it sounds as if you're dealing with it well by being loving while being clear about the self harming aspects of binders etc. Transgender Trend is another source of good advice for parents - here's a clinical psychologist's advice about the psychological dangers of telling teenagers the lie that they're really the opposite sex:

www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

It sounds to me as if you are doing a good job in a difficult situation. I hope you can get support from other parents who understand.

please hold onto the fact that most kids grow out of this and become reconciled to their biological sex ( = reality ) with “ watchful waiting” ( no drugs etc ).

the thing that is most likely to fix this is time.