Feel like I’m going crazy and being gaslit

[Gemmabakes]

Long read:

So DH’s family are visiting. We have 2 kids and the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. He barely pays me any attention, I have to do the lump sum of the care when it comes to the kids. The other day I had food poisoning and he wouldn’t take them (this is relevant for later.)

This week his family’s is in town. I had to give up my bedroom which I sleep in with dc2. We don’t share bedrooms- he shares with dc1 as he doesn’t like when the baby screams at night. I was very happy to do this. I also cleaned the whole house and got everything prepared even though I’ve gone weeks without sleep as dc2 is teething and DH cannot ever give me a lie in. We decided we’d share a double bed all 4 of us and this proved to be a big mistake as the kids constantly move around and wake each other and us up.

So today, I’m just woken up after a dreadful night of being up every hour. I’m changing dc2 etc and suddenly DH’s family is in my room. I’m still in my pajamas and not as decent as I would have liked to been. DH said nothing and made me feel like I was being unreasonable for being annoyed. That was my privacy and I was not ready for it to be disrupted. But i don’t feel like I need to explain it because it’s literally my bedroom. They even said what stinks in here because dc2 had just been changed. It was so embarrassing.

I was upset and privately let DH know in the bedroom while family was in the other room. In response to what he felt was a personal attack, he very loudly and incorrectly started saying I was talking about his mom behind her back so his family could hear, I treat him so bad, I have always treated him bad. Playing the victim and painting a picture of me so everyone could hear. Me. The mother of his kids. I feel so isolated and lonely. I suspect soon he will leave. I’m a SAHM and he is the breadwinner. We are not married and he is in possession of all the finances (I know stupid but please don’t throw me to the wolves mn.) Any advice?

I know it won't help this time but next time can you not just put them up in the nearest Travelodge and they can at least sleep and eat breakfast there, then join you for the day. It's a lot easier and less stressful. It sounds crowded there.

I have even suggested me and the kids go to a hotel instead. I don’t mind at all. But it’s always me who is the odd one out and has to compromise.

they are a bunch of shitehawks and you deserve better. Put your boundaries down and stick to them. You are in a very vulnerable situation. You need to work out how to get back into work to get control of finances and leave him. Apart from bringing in the money what does he do? Do you have any family or friends that can support you in real life to get back into work?

No and this is what breaks my heart. He does not make an effort to get to know my family and called my friends bad influences. But I have to bend backwards for his life and wants.

You don't go having any more babies for a start.

Is the home rented or mortgaged? Whose name is it in? You are in a really vulnerable position financially, you need to work.

You sit down and have an adult conversation with him. Tell him you are not happy, give him an ultimatum, he changes or you leave.

I have tried that previously. But it’s no use anyways. I no longer trust him as when we have no guests he rarely helps with the kids but acts like a doting dad in front of other people. Like his had a nap every day of this week and I’m the one who actually gets up at night with the kids. Next, he said I talked bad about his mom when he called her reactive and a 12 year old and I said word for word “you say your mom’s reactive but look how you act.” I can’t trust someone who has put me in this position while he has gotten financially ahead and I get nothing. I don’t want to be with him but I know it’s going to be hard trying to leave.

First step - it would be worth you having a conversation with women's aid or similar. He's isolated you from friends and family, gaslights you, restricts money and treats you like a member of staff. This is abusive. He is abusive.

There is a world out there where you can be financially independent. This is one of the reasons why benefits are there. You don't have to stay with him.

Why are they all up so early? Its not even 7 o clock when you posted! What if they had woke you up coming in your room so early?
I would tell them all to leave and get a hotel for that!

Don't you and the kids de-camp to a hotel! It's your home. Book it for them, next time.

They didn’t wake me up to be fair. The kids already do such a good job of that when we share a bed. I haven’t mentioned a hotel once but I’m still the villain. They are very polite and sweet people happy to do anything. I don’t try to start friction because I don’t think it’s their job to set boundaries- it’s his. It’s so heartbreaking when he doesnt set them and instead just makes me seem like I’m overreacting. I then feel awful for feeling it in the first place.

Google narcissist personality disorder and see if it describes what you are experiencing. Then decide what plans you would like to make

I don’t know. We’ve had some highs but whenever I speak up he treats me like a piece of gum on his shoe.

I hope this is a reach, but something about him not doing childcare but being happy to share a bed with DC1 jumped out to me. I wouldn’t like that.

Overall though he’s an abusive arsehole and you’d be better off apart- you could claim benefits or get a PT job on the days he has the kids and he’d be forced to do half the childcare.

Think about the example you’re setting your children by putting up with this. Get out, now.

You're worried that he will leave??? You leave! What on earth would possess you to stay with a man like that? That is an inherently awful sounding man who clearly doesn't care about you one bit. A man like that will make you feel like you're going crazy, all the while making you cater to him. Gather some strength before he takes every last bit of it from you. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? Tell them honestly what he is like, don't sugar coat things to make him sound better and see what the reactions are from the people who know and love you.

Just know, you don't deserve this. You don't!! The longer you're in it, the more trapped you will end up. Definitely try and talk to someone, and would be worth calling women's aid.

Your situation sounds so stressful and I feel angry for you.

I wouldn’t wait around for him to tell you to leave. Is there anywhere you can go now with the children?

Dont bother telling him, just go.

Thank you for your kind words I could cry reading this. Feels so lonely but this is the kick I need to start my own life.

maybe Get properly in touch with family and friends to start having a bit of a better support network with you. counselling doesn’t sound like it would work but it might? I don’t know that he would leave given men can think about kids and money and stay in marriages just to keep both. Is it just a lack of sleep thing on the whole family’s part? Doesn’t excuse any of it but possibly? I’d agree they stay somewhere else next time!

The best advice I can give you is to try to get a job so that you can start to make plans to leave your abusive relationship. If your partner refuses to pay for childcare so that you can get a job, you need to look into what benefits you would be entitled to if you leave.

What country are you in? You wrote 'mom', so I'm assuming not UK?

He is abusive and you deserve so much better. You would be better off without him.
Do you have any family or friends that can help?

There's nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with a useless, abusive, unkind man. It seems like a mammoth task to leave and of course there will be things to sort out, but you will be surprised at how much easier life is without him. No doubt you are effectively a single mother anyway. Imagine being able to do that in a house that is calm, non judgmental argumentative. You and your kids can live in peace and have joy and not walk on eggshells. You can have some sleep and be able to face the world. Ask yourself if you still want to be dealing with this situation in 5 or 10 years and then ask yourself what sounds harder, taking the jump to start a fresh life without him or spending the next however many years with him.
It will be alright. It will be better than alright. You and your kids deserve happiness and peace.

Thank you so much xx

Shitehawks is such a brilliant description of this entire family. I'm so sorry OP, you are being treated like absolute shit. Leave him, leave that shitty family. Who marches into your bedroom anyway, and says what stinks when you've changed a baby? What the hell is wrong with people?! He's totally gaslighting you too, using you and treating you so badly.

I know it's hard financially to leave OP but he's so nasty and you deserve a much better life than this.

Your partner and his family sound awful but they aren't going to change. The only thing you can do is leave.

Speak to Citizens Advice about what you would be entitled to if you leave with the children. You would probably be entitled to UC, help with your rent, child benefit and child maintenance. Your longer term goal should be to get back to work when your children are a bit older.

@Gemmabakes Call the National Abuse Helpline as soon as they open 10am - 08082000247. They can signpost you to available help in your area and importantly, first reassure you that you are neither crazy nor alone.

@Gemmabakes You will be happier on your own with the children.
One step at a time... it won't be easy, {financially or emotionally} but better than being unappreciated and emotionally unsupported.