Feel like I’m going crazy and being gaslit

[Gemmabakes]

Long read:

So DH’s family are visiting. We have 2 kids and the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. He barely pays me any attention, I have to do the lump sum of the care when it comes to the kids. The other day I had food poisoning and he wouldn’t take them (this is relevant for later.)

This week his family’s is in town. I had to give up my bedroom which I sleep in with dc2. We don’t share bedrooms- he shares with dc1 as he doesn’t like when the baby screams at night. I was very happy to do this. I also cleaned the whole house and got everything prepared even though I’ve gone weeks without sleep as dc2 is teething and DH cannot ever give me a lie in. We decided we’d share a double bed all 4 of us and this proved to be a big mistake as the kids constantly move around and wake each other and us up.

So today, I’m just woken up after a dreadful night of being up every hour. I’m changing dc2 etc and suddenly DH’s family is in my room. I’m still in my pajamas and not as decent as I would have liked to been. DH said nothing and made me feel like I was being unreasonable for being annoyed. That was my privacy and I was not ready for it to be disrupted. But i don’t feel like I need to explain it because it’s literally my bedroom. They even said what stinks in here because dc2 had just been changed. It was so embarrassing.

I was upset and privately let DH know in the bedroom while family was in the other room. In response to what he felt was a personal attack, he very loudly and incorrectly started saying I was talking about his mom behind her back so his family could hear, I treat him so bad, I have always treated him bad. Playing the victim and painting a picture of me so everyone could hear. Me. The mother of his kids. I feel so isolated and lonely. I suspect soon he will leave. I’m a SAHM and he is the breadwinner. We are not married and he is in possession of all the finances (I know stupid but please don’t throw me to the wolves mn.) Any advice?

Start making plans to leave.

I would not have bit my tongue for any of them.

No idea why you are with such a nasty person and you are right, you are in an abusive relationship. Set up a savings account. Try to get access to the bank and transfer money. Get a job if you can, ignore him, stop doing the housework. Then leave.

Sorry why are you paying tuition for your youngest son? Why is your mother not accessing state provided care? Why are you not just leaving and getting a divorce? As he is your husband you are entitled to 50% so it’s a very different situation than not being married. And why on earth did you let him back in - illness or not? The whole thing is a bit weird. Your 21 year old can also leave - I left at 18…

You’re going to need to set the boundaries yourself because your husband is manipulative, abusive and can’t be trusted to set them in a way that doesn’t throw you under the bus, if he even listens to you at all.

You say his family are nice people, so apologise to his mum this morning for the row with your husband and explain your bedroom is your private space and you didn’t feel decent when they came in. That you didn’t want to be awkward so quietly explained that to your husband, but it turned into a row. Then ask them not to come into the bedroom, that you and the kids will come downstairs/ to the communal areas in the morning to spend time with them.

Your husband can’t be the go-between with his family - you’ll need to take charge of your relationship with the in laws, while quietly getting your ducks in a row so that you can leave soon.

You are definitely being gaslit. The family seem to be his flying monkeys, and are in on it too. Maybe he got his nastiness from them. Utterly disrespectful. Maybe your partner is a narc. You need to develop another support system.
Don't react as he is looking for a reaction.

This situation sounds horrendous. Ot is not sustainable. Have you read Jessa85 wh jas a couple of tjreads. Read them as this will be you in a couple of years. Alao reas them, she found amazing strength.

You can too. Make plans today. Start now. Keep it secret. Use all resources available to you. You can do it ❤️

Just because he's nice sometimes does not mean he isn't an abusive narcissist. He absolutely is. My exH was what Dr Ramani calls a mid range narcissist and he was far far far nicer than your partner. You are being abused and it's time to do your research and wake up. Lots of people are talking only about the current issues with his family but the main issue is that you are in a very abusive relationship.

Have a look at Dr Ramani's channel on YouTube.

SORRY!! Ignore my posts- I didn’t mean to put them on someone else’s thread. My mistake .

You have both had NO sleep. Expect a huge apology for the tripe he dished up.

Explain to his family - in a confident manner - that your bedroom is out of bounds to guests. It is your private space.

Also explain that their guest bedroom is similar to them while they stay ..

Next time do not have them stay with you unless DH gives up his room forthem, and stays in the living room.

You’re not going crazy OP, you’re just in a horrible relationship with a really horrible man. You don’t have to stay.

@Vixh70702 Pop over to the Relationships board and start your own thread 😊

AIBU can be a bit brutal with lots of people be judgy that you haven’t left, but Relationships will give you practical advice on what to do in your particular situation and also let you know if your situation is “normal” etc.

💐

Have you read the post? There will be no next time - he will be leaving the OP said.

Does this prince charming and his shitty family have any redeeming features? Honestly, being a single mom would be paradise compared to this.

I do feel for you. I am much further down the line but had 3 kids with my ex who I was not married to. Stayed togther for 20’years and then he chucked us all out of the house. He manipulated me gaslighted me and spent money on himself. I left with nothing as I had no rights as I wasn’t married. Really think long term. Will he change. What will happen if you stay with him long term. How will he behave with the kids when they are older. My ex was verbally abusive to the kids aswell. So sorry you are in this situation.

OP, whatever you do is going to be wrong as far as your DH is concerned. Re his family, he’s learned his behaviour from somewhere so they’re maybe not as nice as you think. DH isn’t going to do anything to ensure your boundaries are respected so you have to do that yourself. If they’re actually nice all it needs is a quick “Would it be ok if you don’t come into my room in the morning? It’s not something I like as it can take me a while to wake up…”. Tell them outright. Do as a pp said and say you did mention it DH but he took offence for some reason and started an argument and let them know you think that’s ridiculous which is why you’re mentioning it. He’s ramped up the drama so you’re now worried about their reaction and are assuming you’re in the wrong and trying to keep everyone happy. It’s totally normal to not want people in your room at 6.30am!

Book the hotel, then empty half the savings account into one of your own. Try and find a solicitor too.

Oh OP that is actually scary. You really truly have to leave him. This no way to live at all. He is a bad man. Tell friends and family and garner support. Good luck. 💐

Gemmabakes, big hug. Reading your post is like looking at my life in a mirror. We've been married 27yrs but now separated. Take the advice of these lovely MN people and leave him. I'd been a single wife for 21+yrs it is lonely as hell and nearly destroyed me. Call your family, womens aid and citizens advice, you need support - you've done nothing wrong but have the power to make this right. My family and friends supported me that's how I got through it. Good luck to you 🙏
As soon as we had kids, I was basically forced to be a SAHM through relentless nagging but, mainly because it was always me having to take time off work whenever the kids were sick. My job became untenable and his work was always more important but he started treating me like a servant. He hid in his work, went to bars after work etc. "client events" blah blah, 1000's of broken promises, silent treatment and withholding. My needs were met with, "that's just not going to happen". It's easy to see this now in hindsight but at the time I was totally dependent on him and still in love, so I chose to hunker down, raise the kids and get joy where I could. But aged around 6 my kids told my MiL I had 3 kids, including HIM! They saw it. She did not like that. Neither did I, but it was true. He laughed.
My in laws sound just like yours, nice enough to my face, spoke gently but it was usually barbed or underhand. Like you, I always rushed around doing the housework and prepping meals (while he had a lie in from working so hard all week!!) then he played the perfect host when they came. But they never stayed with us: When my 1st was born, after 3 days labour and an emergency cs, they turned up, without my knowledge, just as I was put on the labour ward, all in my face. NEVER again.

Your DH sounds like a CF. Are you in the UK? Start looking into what support you can get if you left. If you’re not married then I suspect it will be you and the kids who need to leave, but he’ll owe you CMA which might help a little. Find out all your rights now.
Can single parenting be any harder than your life right now? I doubt it.

But also, it’s not his job to put in boundaries for you - if his family are in your room when you’ve woken up you can say “I’ve just woken up and need a few mins of privacy, I’ll join you downstairs in a moment”. It’s not rude and maybe they’ll start to learn how to respect your space. If you don’t think you’re worth that, then just think - your kids will learn how to set boundaries for themselves from you.

You don’t HAVE to do anything apart from care for your kids. You don’t HAVE to clean for his family or socialise with them. If he wants to act like a housemate, you can act like a housemate. And if they say anything about the state of the house you can mention you’re up all night and busy with the kids, but maybe he’d have had time to clean it if he didn’t need more naps than your toddler.

I acknowledge that this is a spiteful response, please don’t use it if you think you he’ll ever be violent. In that case, just leave.

When the family have left and he is back at work try and find any paper work dealing with bank accounts, mortgage etc., and hide it at your mother’s or someone in your family if they live nearby or somewhere he never goes to in your home.
Can you speak to your family, can they help?

Find a solicitor, phone round to see which is most sympathetic to your problem or go to citizens advice bureau to ask them, it’s free.

See if there are any local jobs available which will enable you to work round DC and babies’ needs. You don’t say how old DC are.

When you next see your health person ask about the birth control implant in your arm that lasts for three years.

You need to leave op. Please speak to women’s aid and/or the other helplines mentioned on this thread. Get legal advice. You know you are in a very vulnerable position financially and you need to know exactly where you stand. It really is vital you get a job op - you will be needing your own money. He’s a shit and he won’t change. For gods sake don’t have more kids.

You refer to him as your DH but say you're not married?
Is he your husband or partner?

I think you should leave him, regardless, but him being a DH would offer you more financial protection to leave.