Feel like I’m going crazy and being gaslit

[Gemmabakes]

Long read:

So DH’s family are visiting. We have 2 kids and the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed. He barely pays me any attention, I have to do the lump sum of the care when it comes to the kids. The other day I had food poisoning and he wouldn’t take them (this is relevant for later.)

This week his family’s is in town. I had to give up my bedroom which I sleep in with dc2. We don’t share bedrooms- he shares with dc1 as he doesn’t like when the baby screams at night. I was very happy to do this. I also cleaned the whole house and got everything prepared even though I’ve gone weeks without sleep as dc2 is teething and DH cannot ever give me a lie in. We decided we’d share a double bed all 4 of us and this proved to be a big mistake as the kids constantly move around and wake each other and us up.

So today, I’m just woken up after a dreadful night of being up every hour. I’m changing dc2 etc and suddenly DH’s family is in my room. I’m still in my pajamas and not as decent as I would have liked to been. DH said nothing and made me feel like I was being unreasonable for being annoyed. That was my privacy and I was not ready for it to be disrupted. But i don’t feel like I need to explain it because it’s literally my bedroom. They even said what stinks in here because dc2 had just been changed. It was so embarrassing.

I was upset and privately let DH know in the bedroom while family was in the other room. In response to what he felt was a personal attack, he very loudly and incorrectly started saying I was talking about his mom behind her back so his family could hear, I treat him so bad, I have always treated him bad. Playing the victim and painting a picture of me so everyone could hear. Me. The mother of his kids. I feel so isolated and lonely. I suspect soon he will leave. I’m a SAHM and he is the breadwinner. We are not married and he is in possession of all the finances (I know stupid but please don’t throw me to the wolves mn.) Any advice?

I’m in the messy stage of leaving my H. It’s hard, you will need every ounce of resolve but please don’t stay because you’re scared of how hard it will be to leave - I did that and so wish I hadn’t. What you describe is a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. Sometimes you need someone else to point that out and it has been done plenty on this thread. Agree with a pp to have a look at narcissistic behaviours and also consider coercive control. If you are in TikTok or Instagram I’ve found Lorna Dougan really helpful in understanding toxic and narcissistic behaviours. You will be entitled to financial support. You’ll qualify for legal aid so have a look for a family solicitor too who can explain your options. If you have anyone you trust IRL who you can reach out to and talk through what has been happening - parent/friend it makes it so much easier to push forward with what you need to do.

This probably isn't going to go down very well but sod it...are his family british? I only ask because to go into your room before 7am id so rude and just...odd...but some cultures might do this and it be the norm? If so then u need to tell them that it is not okay and you aren't comfortable with that! However I think the bigger picture here is your partner, he sounds like a total tit, do you even love him?

My partner would try this at the beginning of our relationship when his family come to stay over. I simply did the bare minimum and no way am I giving up my own room.

In fact what I do now if they stay over is leave them to it and visit family of my own.

I m sorry if that's not very useful, (not sure if you have family nearby or if you can drive) but could you perhaps just ignore them and do your own thing with the kids when his family come over?

Also what I sometimes do even now ( I have two under two) when his family visit and expect me to cater and slave around for them is I leave with the kids, taking them on a long pram walk until they fall asleep and I just chill at a cafe with a book and a coffee.

I actually enjoyed hosting my in-laws but since having my second baby, I am absolutely knackered and hate that they haven't helped at all or invited me over yet expect me to cater to them like a maid and my husband hasn't stood up for me.

I don't even complain to my husband about it - the moment he mentions they are visiting I just say "Oh how lovely, well I wish I could stay but I have some errands to run / shopping / meeting a friend" etc. and I leave him to do the hosting etc. then come home at dinner time to whatever he has prepared or ordered. I eat with them, mention I need to get the kids ready for bed and then sleep / retire to my room.

Maybe try that approach x

I also understand your baby is teething, my 7 month old is too, please try some anbesol (spelling?) and if he is in too much pain, one dose of Calpol will not hurt before his bedtime so you can get some sleep, especially if he is waking up every hour.

I wouldn't recommend Calpol every night, just one dose when his teething pain is really bad and he is suffering so he can relax and get a few hours of sleep - and so can you x

I had to give up my bedroom which I sleep in with dc2.

No way I would accommodate this.

OP contact a domestic abuse organisation which ever is local to you don’t overly worry about money for now you will be able to claim Universal credit until you get back on your feet first thing is getting out of the relationship DA can help with this and will help find or put you in touch with housing associations or council they will support you you are in a domestic abusive relationship emotional financial abuse and mental abuse I’m not saying it’s easy but it will 100% be worth it honestly wishing you the best of luck

Why did they come into your room?! This is bizarre, and completely overstepping any normal boundaries with in-laws.

You are not being treated as an equal in your own house by any of them.

Sorry but this sounds so awful for you. I think you can have a nice life without him. It may take a while but you will get there. I think it can really boost morale if you start quietly making plans to leave without sharing them . Putting feelers out about benefits etc. Getting in touch with any decent family members. So many women would be better off on their own

How do you access money at the moment then? I would start putting away money each week so you have something to leave with. Do you have family you can go back to, if so this would speed everything up? Somehow you are going to have to work and find somewhere to live, I can see why this is scary but he sounds absolutely awful to live with so you need to start making plans.

I'd consider marriage counseling first, considering that there are young children involved and you said it would be hard to leave. Best wishes.

Make sure you have a good solicitor (one experienced in family law, divorce etc) on speed dial I suggest. And start collecting evidence your other half can't destroy.

I left my husband due to this issue and his family grew worse and worse as the years went on. I’ve lost those years now but at least I saw the light eventually. It is not your fault to want privacy, help at home, respect. It’s basic needs he’s neglecting!

Never mind leaving him - personally, I would shoot the bastard.

Update: DH has not left. Just brushed the situation to the side and when I tried to talk about it he said I don’t talk in a calm way that’s why he argues back and there’s no point trying to reason with me because I’m too immature. Next, yesterday I was going out with a friend and asked him politely not to let anyone in my room. He shouted at me that he has barely slept and I’m starting again even when I was calm and asked nicely. Not like I have to, it shouldn’t even had to be said. I need some serious strength to go. It’s very hard at the moment. Especially with the kids being so young.

This. I also picked up on the fact he’s happy to share a bed with a child but do zero childcare. This feels wrong.

And yes I agree about the example you’re setting your children; no one deserves to be treated like this. It’s coercive control and you absolutely can divorce over this. He also sounds narcissistic but that’s not for me to diagnose without knowing him.

Definitely get out - you say it’ll be hard, but this doesn’t sound easy, fun or safe. Get back in touch with your family, and make plans to leave. Yes you’ve been foolish but get back working and leave, no excuse to stay in the foolish situation.

Start making your contingency plan. Don't wait to be dumped. Failing that get yourself some independence, maybe few hours volunteering or working.