Am I expecting too much?

[Honeysucklelane]

My DH is great at practical tasks, he’ll iron, food shop, put washing on, taxi kids about etc. But whenever I’m ill he’ll do everything else but take care of me. He’ll also make stupid comments like, “what’s wrong, you look like you’ve lost £10 and found 1p?”

Yesterday he told me I looked really pissed off and like I didn’t want to be there after persuading me to come out for a bit.

Ill with a chest infection atm and on an inhaler, antibiotics and steroids, which suggests my GP thought I was ill enough to warrant medication. I feel rubbish, but I’ve been soldiering on as best as possible.

I dread being ill and hate it as he always seems to make me feel worse. I guess you could argue he takes care by doing practical stuff around the house, but there’s nothing in the way of sympathy or any kind of emotional support and he expects me to look cheerful. Is this just a man thing?

Not just a man thing. When my DH is ill he annoys me with constant moaning. I think it annoys me as when I am ill I just get on with it so unless someone is seriously ill I don't have much sympathy for them either.

Some people just arent naturally "sympathy and a cup of tea type people" and lean more towards pratical support and help. If hes a decent husband otherwise, I'd let it go

Umm….I’ve not been constantly moaning. I’ve been trying to do as much as possible and carry on, when I should have just rested and hopefully got better quicker.. He’s generally very dismissive and unsympathetic of illnesses, because he doesn’t get ill.

True, it just makes me feel so down on top of feeling poorly. Although he’s a decent husband when I’m at my best and in good health, then rubbish when I’m ill and seems annoyed with me for something I can’t help. 🤔

It's a human thing, as in some humans do it, but it's not ok.

He presumably experienced this behaviour in his own childhood.

I think you need to be more assertive about what he's doing. For example, do not go out when you are ill and if he makes rude comments say 'I don't appreciate that when I am ill, I would like to be supported.'

I am ND and really struggle with my partner being sick because I was a child carer for my mum. I have a lot of triggers surrounding having to care for a sick adult. Being the carer in my home I just got on with life, I went to school and cleaned whilst having chronic bronchitis and I even got swine flu and carried on when a teen (yes I know, vile. Oink.).

My DH knows this and gently teases me by calling me Florence lol.

But whilst he doesn't expect me to be all over him, I also wouldn't treat him unkindly which is what I feel your DH is doing.

I make sure DH has everything he needs, I get him medicines and treats and look after him in a lot of practical ways. I also would never diminish his sickness although I readily admit that I do struggle to be verbally validating of it.

When I am sick he is terribly annoying (because he is so over protective so I try not to mind) . He goes above and beyond to do everything and made sure I am okay.

So your DH is a jerk and in my opinion there isn't a valid excuse. Being a "just get on with it" person doesn't mean you just ignore the suffering of your spouse.

Thank you. It sounds like despite your struggles with people being ill, you still take excellent care of your partner when he’s unwell.

I’m not after the moon on a stick, just some kindness and bringing occasional hot drinks / medicine, plus understanding that I might be looking miserable because I feel shit.

There is being ill and getting on with life, doing what you can to help with the kids and the house whilst your husband does the heavy load to give you time to rest.

And then there is being ill and "soldiering", and expecting your husband to care for the house, the kids, and you - being miserable and complaining.

I'm with your husband.

I never said I expected him to care for the house nor asked him to do anything. I just expect him to be kinder and more thoughtful.

….and I haven’t been ‘miserable or complaining,’ although it’s true I’m not my usual cheerful upbeat self and dancing round the kitchen in the mornings, - but I am ill.

I can’t deal with people who are miserable when they’re ill, not like terminally ill or something, we all get ill really. Why do I need to fawn on you. I’ll make sure I do all the practical stuffs that need doing so that you don’t have to do them. You can go and rest, etc, I’ll make you a drink if you can’t make it but why should I fawn on you

I wonder if he was not "allowed" to be ill as a child.

We don't rush round making drinks for each other or commiserating but we would encourage each other to rest up, give them a break from the cooking etc. Certainly wouldn't try to drag the other out to something and expect them to pretend they feel fine. What would happen if you said "no, I'm not well enough, I'll stay home"? Why didn't you?

From what you've said about him being generally quite good, I would hope that a serious conversation, and you putting your foot down about being too ill to do some of this stuff, about this would improve things.

Maybe he sees illness as weakness, to be ashamed of.

Geez….I’m not asking for someone to ‘fawn’ on me.

Do you expect people to be really chirpy and upbeat when they’re feeling ill??

I think you might be on to something there. It’s always been like this, once I was really ill in bed with tonsilitis and he focused on anything else, but stuff to help me get well.

If you're so unwell you need antibiotics and steroids, you need to take yourself off to bed and stay there instead of "soldiering on".

I get really irritated with people who are unwell but then do nothing to help themselves - either you're not really that sick (in which case, stop moaning) or you are sick, in which case bugger off to bed and stop moping about.

Yeah, this is me tbh. I'm not very good at showing emotion so find the sympathetic face hard to manage when I am naturally white pragmatic and get on with it. So I show my sympathy or whatever by picking up the slack without complaint or being prompted, trying to take as much of the load off etc.

My biggest bugbear is someone being grumpy or sitting around because they have a headache or what, but refusing painkillers because they won't help. Well crack on and stop being short with the rest of us then.

I should have said I wasn’t feeling well enough to go out. But I’ve had this for a week now, last weekend I was left home alone whilst everyone else was out and about. Also I felt like he’d be grumpy if I didn’t go out as he’d come up with the idea and never gets ill himself, so he’s got little concept of how rough other people can feel when they’re poorly.

Yep, I should have done. But due to his attitude to illness, I’ve felt like I’ve had to continue doing stuff.

I'm certainly not ‘moping’ about.

I’m taking everything possible. I also can’t stand anyone who moans about a headache but doesn’t take paracetamols or whatever.

Why is it his fault?

Maybe he doesn't think you're that sick if you insist on soldiering on. I'm like that with DH - if he claims he's unwell but won't take painkillers or go for a rest, I don't give him any sympathy.

It might scare him that you're ill and his reaction is to almost be angry with you for being ill; to put him in this vulnerable position with feelings he can't master. I think this is a more likely explanation than him just being a twat because he DOES do everything that needs doing with children and around the house without complaining. It's just that it's too hard for him to see you ill and he doesn't have it in him to overcome these feelings to be more empathetic, instead he makes stupid jokes to shield himself. Be kind to yourself @Honeysucklelane and just try to be grateful and relieved he's on top of all practicalities. For emotional support call a friend/mum.

There's a big difference between not cooing over your sick spouse and making, quite frankly, unkind and unnecessary comment like "you look like you lost £10 and found £1". I personally wouldn't speak to someone obviously unwell like that. If I was incapable of saying anything sympathetic, I certainly wouldn't say something deliberately unpleasant or intimidating. But it looks like I'm in a minority.

I guess I don't see his comment as overly unkind - just a bit sarcastic?

It doesn’t matter if I’m laid up in bed, or trying to still do stuff. If I had just stayed in bed ill, I still wouldn’t have got much sympathy etc

I’ve been resting on the sofa, taking all the medication and tablets.