Am I expecting too much?

[Honeysucklelane]

My DH is great at practical tasks, he’ll iron, food shop, put washing on, taxi kids about etc. But whenever I’m ill he’ll do everything else but take care of me. He’ll also make stupid comments like, “what’s wrong, you look like you’ve lost £10 and found 1p?”

Yesterday he told me I looked really pissed off and like I didn’t want to be there after persuading me to come out for a bit.

Ill with a chest infection atm and on an inhaler, antibiotics and steroids, which suggests my GP thought I was ill enough to warrant medication. I feel rubbish, but I’ve been soldiering on as best as possible.

I dread being ill and hate it as he always seems to make me feel worse. I guess you could argue he takes care by doing practical stuff around the house, but there’s nothing in the way of sympathy or any kind of emotional support and he expects me to look cheerful. Is this just a man thing?

I don't understand what you mean by "take care of me", OP. If you're properly ill, then go to bed and rest. If you're carrying on as normal, then what do you need anyone to do? If you want tea and sympathy, that's a bit counterintuitive from someone who is just cracking on.

What would happen if you said, 'I feel rotten, can I have a hug / cup of tea / blanket?'
Would he scoff or would he soften?
What would he be like if you were going through something like mental illness or bereavement, would he be the same?

I think you just need to accept you're very different when it comes to illness.

I personally can't stand being fussed over, or when people lie on the sofa taking loads of tablets. Either go to bed and rest properly, or be up and present and involved, don't do the worst of both worlds.

I'm not overly sympathetic to illness in general though - my parents were very much in the "get on with it" camp and it's definitely rubbed off on me. Luckily DH is the same.

Thank you for your kind and insightful comment. This makes a lot of sense. I do feel like he’s ‘angry’ with me when I’m ill, I feel like he ‘removes himself’ almost like a punishment.

Well, sarcasm is rarely "kind" by it's very nature is it. Personally I wouldn't see a loved one's illness as a golden opportunity to hone my sarcastic repetoire. But each to their own I suppose.

Check if I’d like or need anything - hot drink etc same as I would if he was unwell. Not keep looking at me and asking me what’s wrong like he’s completely forgotten I’m ill.

I guess I just don't see it as unkind of "honing my repertoire" - it's just meant to be a lighthearted response to someone's moaning or miserable mood.

Obviously if someone was genuinely upset or in agony, that would be different, but it's always been normal to me to make a sarky comment towards someone who is just having a whinge.

I can't stand sick martyrs.

If you're badly sick, go to bed and rest.
Ask for help, tea and sympathy.

If not, just get on with it.

Instead you want you act OK but receive sympathy for it.

It's a cold, not the plague you have.

Honestly, if you're ill, why are you "soldiering on"?
If you can't function, just get yourself to bed and he'll have to hold the fort until you're better again.

My DH isn't the TLC sympathy type, but is perfectly capable of running the household and the kids when I've been unwell.
Same with me when the tables are turned.

"Soldiering on" just muddies the water a bit? Then nobody can quite ascertain how unwell the other person is?
If DH is snivelling/wearing the dressing gown of doom, but still 'soldiering on', I don't give it a massive amount of headspace?
If he's genuinely unwell and can't function in family life, then I'd be better at the TLC bit.

If you asked him for a coffee or paracetamol, would he get them?

I think your husband is being unkind and can well imagine how upset it makes you.
is he generally like this around emotions or just when you're unwell?
IMO he's indulging his weakness at your expense and could do better.
Don't blame yourself!

Thank you.

When our eldest left home I was really upset. A few days later I was crying one night and he asked me what was wrong, and then said, “but you’ve been fine all day.” 🙄 He just doesn’t get it that people try to continue on with their day, and then their illness (or sadness) suddenly hits them and they look unhappy or cry.

He’s never been great with emotions tbh. I dread being ill, and don’t know how I’d cope with a long term illness or anything dreadful happening in life as I’d be totally broken if he behaved like this. I sometimes wonder if he’s like this the rest of the time, but I only really notice it when I’m unwell and it really matters to me. 🤔

It doesn't sound as if tea and sympathy comes naturally to him but equally you do seem to expect him to read your mind.

Why go out yesterday if you felt too unwell instead of telling him you didn't feel up to it and we're taking yourself off to bed for some rest?

When you were upset about your eldest leaving home did you ask him just to give you hug?

What seems really obvious to you might not be to him.

I've been in a similar position to the OP. My late DH never acknowledged any form of illness in me. I didn't want him to mop my brow or hold my hand and I was rarely ill anyway. Just an occasional "how are you feeling" or "are you OK" would've been nice.. I can't believe so many posters seem to feel this is an utterly outrageous expectation. Christ, I'd even say that to a colleague let alone the person I share my life with.

Yes, but with some commentary complaining. This is why I haven’t retreated to bed, so it’s easier to get stuff for myself.

Honestly, I would just go up to bed. Fill the kettle and take it with you, plus whatever else you might need (tissues, medication, snacks, books) and stay there.

He's clearly pissing you off and you're not going to feel better lying on the couch resenting him, so take yourself off upstairs and rest. Deal with the issues around how he treats you when you're better, if you have to, but for now, you need to prioritise yourself.

Thank you for understanding. He hasn’t asked once how I am, if I’m ok or how I’m feeling. Just seems to be avoiding me.

But whenever I’m ill he’ll do everything else but take care of me.

I think it depends what you mean by taking care of you.

If you’re lying on the sofa with your dressing gown on, wanting him to give you sympathy - then you’re BU.

But if you’re in bed and want him to take over the childcare and cooking etc to give you the day off - then you’re not BU.

Why’s there a psychological difference between bed and sofa in how someone treats you when you’re ill? If you’re ill you’re ill, wherever you happen to be resting.

We don’t have a TV upstairs and I don’t want to sleep all day or I’ll find it even harder to sleep at night - wheezing during the night is interfering with sleeping as it is.

He MIGHT be better if you were seriously ill, but again perhaps not...
Despite what some others have suggested you need to know you can rely on your husband in times of need. Also, deliberate unkindness to you is unacceptable.
I guess you prefer to avoid conflict. Nevertheless, I think it would be good to take whatever opportunity presents itself to raise the issue when you're feeling strong.

It's horrible isn't it OP. Like I said, my DH either totally ignored me or made so say "humorous" comments. He wasn't trying to be funny to cheer me up - I get that. No, these comments were were basically unconcerned and dismissive. I once took a really nasty fall in a supermarket car park. My leg bent backwards and I honestly thought I'd swallowed my tongue. I was in total shock and couldn't get up for quite a while. He didn't even come to take the trolley off me, let alone help me. When I was back in the car he said I looked really funny when I slipped, and that was it. There are many more examples.

I’ve addressed it in the past many times and told him I feel he’s distant and unsympathetic when I’m ill. I’ve laid in bed really ill in the past and had to listen to him banging stuff about and swearing getting stressed over doing the basic practical stuff. He’s great at doing household stuff now and the kids are teenagers so it’s all much easier, there’s less to do.

It is, especially at your most vulnerable low times. My back went a few weeks ago as I bent to do up a shoe, I was bent over in agony and could only say, “ahhhhhh” whilst trying to breath through the pain, he shouted from another room what’s wrong, then came through and asked again and was annoyed I wasn’t answering him, I couldn’t speak!

I think @ginasevern is spot on. It's the attitude and the comments rather than the mechanics of whether he brings you cups of tea.

It does seem a bit... unusual. Like he is only interested in what you do, not how you feel.

It sounds like you are singing from different hymn sheets. He's probably assuming you to operate like him, and you don't. You're wanting him to operate more like you, and he doesn't. FWIW I'd 100% rather live with someone like you! But given you live with him, I think you are going to have to be very clear that you feel horrid and you are going to camp out in the sofa until you feel better etc. You know the Eleanor Roosevelt quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"? I have never loved it but I feel there's a version in there that is applicable - no one can make you feel guilty without your consent. Take the rest you need, he doesn't see inside your head and he clearly lacks empathy into how you feel.

You really do need to rest up with a chest infection. They can drag on and on otherwise. Your body is literally telling you to rest.