Confidence on the floor after ex left for somebody else

[Greenhouselover]

I always thought my ex and I would be together forever. Our relationship went downhill massively after kids, he was working late and ramped up the hobbies and nights out and I was so lonely. Anyway, after I said I was done he left easily, within weeks he was with somebody else and it has completely knocked my confidence, I don’t want him back, I really don’t, but was I just so disposable? He seems really happy which is good and it’s a shame I couldn’t make him happy as he avoided us at all costs.

@Taliah5 that's not nice - come on!

He did get a sitter. He may be a terrible ex to you but its perfectly reasonable to get a sitter—in this case his gf’s mum—and go out.

Don’t send them! I wouldn’t!
his time is for him. Not GF mum!
see ya in court big balls, u ain’t leaving my kids with no stranger !!

You can take back some control here by agreeing a parenting plan with him. This isn't binding but it helps draw the boundaries for you both - for example parent to be given first refusal on babysitting before child left with third party, new partner not to be introduced in first 2 years without consent, new partner not to travel abroad with children without prior notice. It can say whatever you both want OP - he may ignore it (my ex did) but it's a good way of explaining to men what's acceptable and what isn't. Although my ex refused to engage he has actually behaved in line with it ever since (more or less).

It’s a bit late I suppose as all this has already happened

Is Ops time for her only? Has she NEVER to get a babysitter or leave the children with any one else? Don't start a war you won't win. Digging your heels in to be bloody minded will not only cost you (or the state) a fortune in legal fees, completely destroy any hope of an amicable co-parenting relationship in the future, but will most importantly cause your children years of unhappiness and stress.

The chances of anything hugely detrimental happening to the children tonight with the babysitter is slim to none. When they get back, smile and ask them how their evening was. Don't dig...don't interrogate. Be positive. They don't need to be drawn into it. If they complain about it or had a terrible time, sympathise with them and let them know that you and dad will have a chat and try to sort it out so they don't get put in that situation again. Don't blame him. Its unnecessary. And if he wants to be a dick, he'll be able to honestly say "I asked your mum if she wanted to take care of you but she said no!". Don't play the blame gain. Again the only people who will suffer are the kids.

Then get yourselves to mediation and get the parenting plan sorted.

He only has them overnight once a week, he has Friday and Saturday to go out. I don’t go out if I cannot get a sitter as I wouldn’t just ask anybody to do it and I wouldn’t be bothered about it either. That is what being a parent is

It's not though. Sometimes events happen on the days you have your children and it's ok to want to go to them. He can't control when birthdays, weddings, work dos happen. And he can't be expected to never attend any social events. Being a parent isn't about making yourself a martyr to prove a point and it's not about sacrificing your own need for company.

Co-parenting needs an element of flexibility. The less flexible you are, the less flexible he will become and once again the children will suffer.

It’s just so hard as I have put so much effort into to making them the lovely little human beings they are now and I feel like it was all for nothing as what they are going through now will affect them

It really really really doesn't have to affect them. The main issue for children of separated parents is not the separation. It's the conflict. Millions of kids throughout the world live between two homes and absolutely thrive. There's no reason why your amazing little ones won't too. But it really is up to you and their dad to do what you can to reduce the conflict between you. Have a look at the parents resources on this website.

https://childrenbeyonddispute.com/resources-for-parents/

No I get that. Usually I bite my tongue due but yesterday I was really worried. I honestly can’t stand him and his new woman and all the secrets and lies. It was so hard letting them go abroad with a woman I didn’t know and them playing happy families with my children, I did it though, for them.

It doesn’t help either that he calls me a psycho, honestly him and his family make me out to be completely unhinged but I think I have been quite mellow in the circumstances

Says more about him than you.

But he can get a sitter.

Look: he sounds awful and has behaved awfully but you are fixated on the wrong issue here. You have made being a parent the biggest part if your identity and it feels like a powerful, moral position to you—and since he has abdicated it you feel it puts you one up on him morally and it becomes a stick to beat him with.

He doesn’t feel this way about the children or being their father. He doesn’t need or want to spend time with them. A woman (you) has always taken care of them and he is just continuing with what is familiar to him by employing some other woman to watch them when they inconvenience him.

You won’t win this battle. Your outrage won’t affect him. Just chill. The children will be safe and he is simply demonstrating that in the future he won’t be considered much of a father by them as they won’t have many shared memories.

@Greenhouselover my ex is exactly the same, I'm the crazy person even though he done wrong lies and plays secretive .
I've learned not to bite back and play into their hands, as someone said choose your battles.

Would he introduce you to her? That might help if you knew her

He won’t, as again I’m a psycho and angry all the time. I’m really not, considering what he has put me through to be honest.

I didn't think i could hurt anymore after being abandoned with a newborn but mine had someone else pregnant less than a year after I gave birth to our little one. It was the most hurtful thing ever. Him and I weren't a fling, we'd been together over a decade.

Men are innately selfish creatures, I would never expect much from a man going forward. Not that that matters, I've leveled up my own life and just look at my pathetic ex now with disdain. But I know how you're feeling, it's bloody horrendous.

@Greenhouselover it's the same man!

@ColourBlueColourPurple in just waiting for my ex to announce she's pregnant, although she already has 3 children and we share a son that he doesn't pay for.

I'm hoping I'm long gone when that happens as I know it's going to hurt, he always told me he wouldn't have children with other women, but then he told me he couldn't take on another man's children......it's just a waiting game on that one.

You did tell him it was over, lovely.

Yes, as he completely checked out!

Also. After yesterday, the thought of speaking to him literally turns my stomach. I don’t think I can do it.

such a refreshing post

I really don’t think I can speak to him again.