Confidence on the floor after ex left for somebody else

[Greenhouselover]

I always thought my ex and I would be together forever. Our relationship went downhill massively after kids, he was working late and ramped up the hobbies and nights out and I was so lonely. Anyway, after I said I was done he left easily, within weeks he was with somebody else and it has completely knocked my confidence, I don’t want him back, I really don’t, but was I just so disposable? He seems really happy which is good and it’s a shame I couldn’t make him happy as he avoided us at all costs.

If he was a man worthy of your love, he would be thinking of his children right now, not foisting them off onto a babysitter he himself doesn't really know!

If he was a man worthy of your love, he'd have meant it when he said he had no interest in this woman that you quite accurately picked up on his interest in.

If he was a man worthy of your love, he'd not have 'checked out' of your relationship before ever bothering to let you know this was how he was feeling.

He doesn't sound like a prince, just another frog.

Good men mean what they say and live it through their actions.

It does hurt now, of course it does. But it will get better.

I honestly can’t believe he is leaving them with his new gf mum!

Be prepared now for him to marry quickly and for you and your children to be relegated to the status of a practice run

ouch that stung

Oh OP, I feel that previous poster is absolutely projecting their own situation and hurt onto yours. Nothing says this will happen - his new relationship could fail within months, he may never marry or have more children. And anyway, whatever he does, is no reflection on you and soon you will care much less what's he's doing, and eventually not care at all.

HE ruined it not you. HE has quit and not tried to solve any issues you've been having.

What I am more concerned about at the minute is that he only has them one night a week and he has left them with new gf mum so that he can go out. His mum called me saying I was being unreasonable but I said if he couldn’t get a sitter then he can’t go and she said why shouldn’t he go so I just said he is a father that’s why and put the phone down.

Unfortunately, you can't dictate that he can't go out and leave children with new GF mother

Best not pick fights that you won't win

But you could offer that, if you're available, you'd prefer he brought them home so they can be with you

No I won’t win. I have no idea where they are though and it sucks. He won’t tell me the address as apparently I’m a psycho. Why doesn’t he fight for full custody then? 🙄. It’s just morally wrong

He asked me to swap days and I said no. So I suppose it’s my fault

I'm sorry it stung.

I don’t have a leg to stand on with OW mum looking after the kids, it’s so rubbish

Some men can be massively immature. The children coming along meant, your priority was no longer him. He realised that being a parent is hard work. It's not white picket fences, rainbows and sunshine. The reality of life with children and a long-term partner turned out to be not what he thought it would. He couldn't be bothered to participate in family life, because it required some form of effort, and he didn't want to stop or reduce his 'me' time. So he checked out of family life, it's too much hassle for him and found someone else. You haven't done anything wrong, the issue is with him. I know it's hard not to take it all personally. He's an arse. You deserve much better and so do your children. It's all still raw, and at the moment you can't see the future. I can absolutely guarantee, you will find someone new, a decent man, who will love you and your children.

He didn’t leave for somebody else but yes I her why you feel down. I would too. If somebody moved on immediately I would just assume they never loved me for me - merely liked the convenience I brought into their life. Hence me being easily replaceable by somebody bringing the same convenience.

@Greenhouselover
Did you tell him you don’t love him? Did you ask him to leave?

are you ok financially?

Reading your updates OP, I do agree with others. You can't dictate who looks after the children whilst they are with him. Did he tell you that he wanted to go out, and asked you to swap the night he had the children? If he did, and you refused to change the night, then you essentially forced his hand into asking his girlfriend's Mum to look after them. You wanted him to forego the night out and look after the children himself. He chose not too. You and your ex are going to have to co-parent for a very long time. You are both going to have to compromise over things sometimes. You need to pick your battles, going forward.

I don't really see how it is helpful to refer to OP and her children as a 'practice run'. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Personally if he’s just going to dump your children on random people, I would be tempted to do a Sarah’s law request on the gf and her family. How long has he known her?
I would also keep a diary.

Sorry about how you are feeling. It does sound a bit as though he was already seeing this person, which is usually when men check out of the relationship they are in and give nothing (once they think they have someone else to look after them). It takes women longer initially to break up and move on, men do it very quickly, but that is because they don't process and reflect until the person they left for dumps them, then they look further back and sometimes see their mistake - or they are doomed to just keep repeating that pattern of behaviour. By that time you'll probably be settled with someone better and thanking your lucky stars you got that idiot out!

Not to freak you out but who is in the house with OW mum? Has she got a partner, sons, lodger? Who else will be there. Sorry but there are some crazy statistics indicating that the likelihood of abuse is something like 100 times higher when parents are separated, as often people linked to new partners brought into the child’s life are the culprit. I think you need to set a boundary here in these very early days - it needs to be agreed who has access to the children. It can’t just be some unvetted random (unless you agree to that).

Not surprised you’re hurting. Put all your energy into keeping your kids supported and their wellbeing. You will heal in time.

He’s a weak person. Can’t even be in his own a few months to get things settled for his kids? What a twat.

I would truly say she’s welcome to him. He’s not a supportive husband, you can attest to that. He won’t be different to her once he’s comfortable and if they have kids. He’ll likely be the exact same.

This is your chance to live a life with more happiness.

I know ppl say you cannot dictate who he leaves the children with but do you agree with him leaving the DC with a stranger?
It’s a 3 month relationship 😱

It’s odd when so many class formal childcare as leaving DC with strangers…

I’d be out of my mind with worry, OP doesn’t know where her DC are.

I don’t know what OP can do but I cannot imagine how horrible to be in this position.

@Greenhouselover I've been there, I don't think there was a day for what seemed like weeks where he wasn't my first thought but therapy really helped with that.

I miss the person I thought he was, I miss my family but I don't miss him now. I'll always care for him (I'll never tell him this) but I don't want him back, he would do it to me again and wouldn't give a crap what it would do to me or our son, for my son's sake I'll stay away I'm worth alot more, like you my confidence was at an all time low, my whole world was turned upside down really. He changed me as a person, I'm more cynical now.

It's almost been a year, he started cheating in march last year, we spilt when I found out in may, but he has tried a few times to come back and mess with my head, he doesn't want me but it's a power thing for him.

Honestly men like this will not change, he will not get his happy ever after, he'll do it again either to her or someone else.
He isn't going to tell you any negatives of his new relationship, so try not to think that all is picture perfect.
It's hard I know, but try to use this hurt and turn it into anger, CMS if not already claiming, get mediation done as well if you can. Stand your ground with him, and do not allow him to come back into your life.
I've been through hell, and like I said I'm starting to come through. You will get there I promise xxx

No, it was a bit clumsy and of course I'm not suggesting that that is what the OP is and I did apologise to the OP.

However, some men-if they are not married to the partner they have dumped-do carry this idea.

Not all of them by any means but-in my professional capacity-I see enough of men who are not married to the mother of their children convince themselves that this is the case. It doesn't tend to happen until they meet someone that they do want to marry and she-and any children that he might have with her-become the real family.

It's most visible when he no longer wants to pay for the children he had with his unmarried partner and sometimes when he doesn't want to do things like have them in school holidays, when it might impact on plans that he has made with his second family.

They can think like that even if they have been married to the first woman but they are certainly prone to think it more if they haven't. It suits them to think of the woman they have married and any children they have as the real thing and they come first.

It is something that all women should be aware of, especially if they weren't married to you. They will promise the earth to begin with but when they do meet the woman they want to marry, that can all fly out of the window.

Anyway, the OP hasn't said if she was married to this tosser or not but from what she has written, I wouldn't be surprised if he does play this card. So don't believe anything he says, don't take anything on goodwill and make sure any promises he makes are written down in triplicate!

I just assumed he would have cancelled his plans if he couldn’t get a sitter, if I would have known that was what he was going to do I would have swapped days.

No I know I won’t win it. I was just a bit shocked as I had no idea where they were or who this person is. I don’t think he would leave them with somebody he didn’t trust but I just panicked.

WTF! You don’t know where your kids are and I’m guessing not only do you not know the person looking after them, you probably don’t even know the gf mum’s name? I honestly don’t know legally what right you would have to dictate this, but I would be losing my shit! That is utterly ridiculous of him. I bet he barely knows her either. Far out. I’m sorry you are going through this. As if the breakup is not hard enough to deal with. You don’t know her or who will be in her house with your kids. In your shoes I would be getting a lawyer and asking what you can do about this.