Confidence on the floor after ex left for somebody else

[Greenhouselover]

I always thought my ex and I would be together forever. Our relationship went downhill massively after kids, he was working late and ramped up the hobbies and nights out and I was so lonely. Anyway, after I said I was done he left easily, within weeks he was with somebody else and it has completely knocked my confidence, I don’t want him back, I really don’t, but was I just so disposable? He seems really happy which is good and it’s a shame I couldn’t make him happy as he avoided us at all costs.

I don’t even know where he lives and he won’t tell me as apparently I am a psycho

Tell him that you didn't realise that he would still go out and leave your children with a complete stranger so you will cancel your plans so you can look after your children yourself.

Why is his mum getting involved? Why doesn't she offer to look after them?

I agree.

OP does not have to roll over and accept this at all. I wouldn't.

It does knock your confidence, however you have to keep going for your children's sake, I also felt physically ill and couldn't eat, but I tried to make sure that everything I did manage to eat was healthy, so protein and loads of veg.Although my children were teens, I didn't go out socially much,except for family events, for about 9 months, but as this was before online dating, I eventually joined a singles social network, where I realised that all the other women who had been left in similar situations, were lovely, interesting and attractive, and had nothing wrong with them! This was 30 years ago, and gradually I have realised that my exhusband hadn't changed, he was never the man I thought he was, he was never the man I loved so dearly, he was a shallow, selfish bastard. You will recover and have a better life, whether as a single parent or with another partner, and be stronger and happier than you ever were.

I would not be letting my kids go to an unknown address.

If he won't tell you where they're residing when they aren't with you then I wouldn't let them go. That's outrageous.

I'd get in touch with a family solicitor.

Oh god, I'm so sorry op. I've been left for someone else before and encountered various other behaviours that made it even harder than it needed to be. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Sending strength.

Men don't like being alone. He's clung on to the first opportunity that's come his way after your breakup. Hardly true love, is it?

I've been where you are although abandoned with a newborn. It took me a good 2 years to get back on track. People on here and in real life said that I would flourish once I'd got my head round it. I didn't believe them, the pain I felt was just too overwhelming. Well, turns out they were right. It took a couple of years but I've had the biggest glow up since he left. I've went back to uni to further my career, I've really got into health and fitness, lost 4 stone, started taking care of my appearance, found out what I loved instead of just plodding along in life with him. Honestly OP, it'll hurt for a while, especially if he goes on to have more kids or gets married, but you'll be more than fine.

@Greenhouselover I'll add to this as well
My ex's current gf, I know nothing about, he lied to me about her name, where she lives and whether she had children.
I recently found out her name, where in London she lives and she has 3 children.

She was driving my child around in her car, as I believed she didn't have children I thought she wouldnt have a car seat, I asked him what he was playing at and he ignored me, it's only when my son told me she had 3 girls and that who he goes swimming with.

It's made me believe that they have something to hide, he's said a few things to me that makes me think she either hasn't got her children in her care full time or her ex was a danger or both!
I did speak with my solicitor about this, and while she understood my points sadly there was nothing I could do, unless I thought there was a safety issue but without having facts I couldn't prove anything.
Morally it's wrong, and I wouldn't be sending my son if I didn't know where he would be staying (however I do think he would take my son to her home at one point)

I'm sorry your going through this, if you ever want to PM me, please do so.

She moved abroad a few years ago

I can’t just let them not go can I? I don’t know my rights to be honest but I am going to seek legal advice

I feel more guilty about upsetting my daughter as she could hear I was distressed on the phone and told us to stop fighting. I would never normally shout but I was so worried, he could have just stepped out of the car instead of allowing the call through the hands free but no it’s like he wants to punish me.

I don’t know if I could hurt anymore, moves out, 2 weeks later with another women and takes the kids to grandparents abroad with her, not much else that could hurt me, if he does have another child which I don’t think he will as that was when our relationship started to fail. The same thing will happen

@Greenhouselover I did post earlier, unfortunately unless he doesn't have a line of contact, i.e a phone where you can reach him then he doesn't have to disclose where your children are, what he does in his contact time and who is around his children is his decision unless there are safety concerns.

You could refuse to let them go, but if he took it further then it could go against you.
It's unfair and shit but sadly that's the way it is.

@Greenhouselover the guilt I feel is sometimes overwhelming.
It's hard but try not to bite, that's what he will feed off and play right into his hands.
I hardly speak to my ex now, due to his actions and that's the way it will stay to the end of my days.
I will be civil to him, that's all you need to do in front of the children.
Very sad, my ex's parents didn't speak to each other for 20 years due to cheating and it really affected him. That's his son's reality now!

I don’t want to put the kids through anything. They have been through enough. I will just have to accept it. He said it is only like when I allow the kids to go their friends for tea?

@Greenhouselover I suppose at least he was honest with you, my ex lies and called our son a liar when my son told me he was around dads new GF (denied it happened) but my ex said the same, it's no different to me having people around him.
Yes, I've also had to except it, but he will too when you move on, and you will in time.

Would mediation help you, you can discuss matters like this and have something formal and final?
My ex refused to do so, partly because he's a control freak and also I believe so he can keep a door open to me if the shit hits the fan.

I also wasn’t very nice to exes mum but I was mind blown that she couldn’t understand where I was coming from

It took a lot to get it out of him as the story he was initially telling about didn’t stack up

@Greenhouselover I don't have a relationship with my ex's mum. I've asked her for help lots of times throughout our 6 year relationship, I believe my ex has a personality disorder/bi polar she shot that down even though he was seeing councillors/therapy as a child.
She will defend her son to you, but more than likely say something to him, she won't take your side on this.

@Greenhouselover your ex sounds like mine. My ex used my phone to call her, but stupidly didn't delete her number, that's how I found out who she was, social media is unforgiving!

It’s like I thought I knew this guy for 17 years but now he feels like a complete stranger.

You need a reset and quickly.

You have got years and years ahead of you of co-parenting with him. You have a chance now to set the tone of that relationship. Get yourselves a good, qualified mediator and ask them to help you draw up a parenting plan. This can include things like "first refusal" where if a parent is unable to care for the children themselves during their contact time then the other parent is offered the chance first.

Your children need to be the focus of this now. You know it's not ok to for them to hear you fighting. And it WILL do long term damage to your relationship with them if they feel torn, guilty or angry about the separation. They don't want to have to choose between you. They want to be able to love both of you and to spend time with both of you without the other parent falling apart.

Instead of focussing on what went wrong in your relationship focus on making this as painless as possible for them. If you need help to do this then that's ok. Speak to your GP, ask for counselling or go private if you can afford it. Your children need a strong, happy, loving, together mum. They don't need a resentful, angry, and bitter mum. Love them more than you hate him.

Firstly, SilkSquare you weren’t very nice !

It happened to me many moons ago & I won’t lie I was broken , I left it consume my whole life , I’m ashamed to say for far too long a time ..
When you’re in it though you can’t see it , if that makes sense .. He was cheating on me with her for 12 months & then left me for her ..
I never went for any therapy, please do this very important step towards healing ..
I Always regret that I didn’t & then when I went onto meeting someone again ( cause my self esteem/ worth/ confidence was zero ) I chose so badly & long story short I’m single at 49 with a history for choosing the wrong men ..

I remember that knot you describe in your stomach OP..x
I know you can’t see it now but it 💯 won’t always feel like this ..
I know this sounds so cringy , but it’s true , you need to love yourself again & with that comes contentness ..That’s why I really advise to see a therapist, then you will come to see , eventhough it suck’s like fuck now
He is not meant for you …x

Are you sure you weren't a nag or use him as a verbal punch bag once the kids came along? A lot of women are not conscious they are doing it.

@Greenhouselover same with me, I don't know him at all anymore.
I really recommend therapy, it will help you more than you realise. I made a mistake by taking him back and listening to his lies/bs because I loved him so much, don't do this don't let this consume you - it's tough, but you can do it!
Don't message his family/mum. Speak to a mediator and get everything formally drawn up so you minimise contact.
I cannot stress to you how therapy helps, I was lucky to get it through my work for free (I work for a mental health charity) and I feel stronger.

You will come through this, the best revenge is living your best life, my ex for weeks was asking who I was with, and if I was going out. I didn't tell him nothing.
As sad as it is, that part of your life is now over - you have a new life waiting for you and I promise you it will be better without him in it.