DH leaving his job

[Amoneyone]

I pretty much know IABU so no poll needed but I just have to share with someone and can't IRL.

My DH wants to quit his job. He hates it. I am supportive and want him to be happy but he won't look for another job first - just wants to quit, have the summer off and look for another job in September.

I am worried. The job market is pretty bleak and although we have some savings we need him to bring in money too.

My salary covers the basics at least but there would be no room for any extras - no hair cuts, clothes, presents - that would all have to come from savings.

We have a holiday booked in August with £3k left to pay that we have been paying in instalments - that would have to come out of savings (and we should never have booked if he planned to do this - we only booked in January).

We had just got to a comfortable point and now this?

DC are 7 & 9. I work PT (0.8FTE - I finish at 3.30 so I can get back to collect DC) as DH often works late/ away so I need to be able to do all the school runs. If I go to FT that would be it for a year at least, DH says I "can't" increase to FT as when he gets another job I will need to be on hand. This is a bone of contention for me.

I have always been a saver whereas DH is a bit more free and easy with money. To be perfectly honest I just don't want to spend this money on basically a holiday for him. It is supposed to be for emergencies and a mortgage overpayment when our fixed rate runs out next year.

His argument is that I have had time out on Maternity leaves and worked PT since having children (I used to work 3 days when they were at nursery) so he should have some time too. I think it is different looking after two older children to babies/ toddlers but there we are. He will only have them for 3 weeks of the summer holidays on his own, it isn't the same.

What if he can't find another job in September? We can probably manage for a year at most. He is 46, will be 47 by September and I worry that makes him less employable.

Nope he needs another job

cant have his cake and eat it with your part time work, I presume you do all the mental load & house stuff

if wants to doss about all summer whilst you pick up the slack, he can bugger off full stop

I don’t think you are unreasonable and the argument that you had time out on maternity leave just doesn’t fly! It’s ridiculous to use it as an excuse to want time out now. You work part time because that’s currently the best fit for the family, since he hasn’t been around for child care.

If he wants to have the summer off, he’ll need to be picking up all the household and child care tasks. I don’t think he should do that anyway and I don’t think he’d step up. If he leaves without any job to go to, he’s going to need to pick up anything he can whilst he looks for something that suits him better..

It’s perfectly fine to want to change a job you don’t like, but not fine at all to put the family finances and security at risk. Unless you’re wealthy, you don’t have the luxury of picking and choosing when to work.

Your husband sounds selfish and irresponsible but let’s be charitable and assume it is because he is burnt out.

Possible compromises:

1. He gets a job before leaving the current one but negotiates for a month or so off before starting.
2. He leaves without a new job lined up, but agrees to go back when the savings hit a certain point (you both pre-agree what this would be now). So the length of his time off depends on spending habits.
3. He leaves without a new job and you go full time, but when he returns to work you stay full time and he does 0.8 FTE as you do now. More restful for him and more progression opportunities and better pension contributions for you.

Sounds like he wants it all ways, which he can't have. The argument that you had maternity leave doesn't get off the ground - that is a period to look after a newborn and recover from pregnancy and birth.

What does he do? Just because he mentioned getting a job in September makes me wonder if he teaches?

He either needs to stay with the current job until he finds a new one or accept that you will go full time and he needs to step up with the family.

Goodness me - maternity leave is not time out!

It's reasonable to support him to leave a job he detests but he has kids so he needs to line up his new job before leaving.

The fact you think you might be unreasonable speaks volumes for the state of your relationship

maternity leave was not a break
he cannot step back leave everything to you not allow you to work full time and the expect it to go back
will he be cooking cleaning housework mental load or will he have a break

he needs to do whst all grown ups do get another job

I think mat leave is a break from work tbh although there are obviously other challenges. I've been p/t since dc & my dc are a little older than yours. I definitely have an easier job/life vs DH who has the much harder stressful job & pressure of being the breadwinner.

I think a lot of people approaching middle age get burnt out & yearn for something different especially if he's been working for decades at the same thing. Can he take a sabbatical? go p/t?

Have the summer off ?! FFS he's a bit old to have a gap year experience. Noone with the responsibility of a family and financial commitments can afford to be so self indulgent. I would worry that he is making excuse ( why does hate his job? ) not to work at all . Not a great economy and looking for a job at 47 won't be easy . Plus employers won't think much of a quitter .

He can't refuse to let you go full-time in your job because that isn't his decision. You are right to be concerned about how long it will take him to get a new job. What is the job market like for his profession?

He's unfair to compare his 'summer off' to your maternity leaves as maternity leave involves looking after a small baby full time while recovering from the birth. They are not comparable.

How long is his notice period in his current job? Why can't he be looking for a new job over the summer, rather than waiting until September to start looking?

It's all very much about his needs and wants. Why can't you go full time and he looks for a role where he can step up to do school drop offs and pick ups?

He needs something else first. How irresponsible.

How long was he in this job for OP? Does he have a history of taking breaks or flitting between jobs. My OH got rather too comfortable taking summers off with the children and it destroyed our annual income and my patience.

Finding a new job in this climate is hard, even more so in your late 40s. I'd ask him to first test the market and apply for ~10 jobs just to see how many call backs he gets. This will them give an indication of how easy or not it will be to find a job after his summer holiday.

Thing is when you are a job particularly one you hate it's very hard to have the head space to think about what you want/need particularly with the demands of a young family. My maternity leaves allowed me the headspace to think about things & change careers. I think it was invaluable tbh.

You can surely use wrap around childcare and go full time now, they are close to ageing out and not needing it anyway.

I'd look to do whatever you can to raise your own income levels and career up, because he's showing you clearly that he's unreliable and frankly, a bit stupid.

He should not quit his job to doss around all summer, that is very obvious. Unfortunately you cannot physically stop him.

You don't say what industry he's in, but the job market overall is tough, unless he's a stellar performer with skills that companies struggle to find this is unbelievably risky.

Given that your savings would be depleted in this plan, I'd take action to safeguard them now. Move your half out, and stop contributing to them, keep that money aside in an account he can't access.

He needs to understand that you won't be paying for his jolly with your future financial security.

For me ignoring him quitting and taking time he doesn’t get to dictate you going FT. What that’s telling me is he wants time off without school runs.

can you go FT op as that would for me be the only solution to this, Is him take his summer off and you go FT.

He could be burnt out, struggling or having some issues I think the post paints this as a jolly and maybe he’s entitled to take a career breaks to reset.

the holiday booking would annoy me if he’s not thought about that. But I’d look closers and deeper at his reasons for wanting or needing the break now and quickly. Has he done something at work?

I have a lot of empathy here as I've been in jobs I hate that really impacted my mental health.

However he has a family he needs to contribute to supporting. He simply cannot just give up on a job without having something else lined up.

Unless you completely change your lifestyle by massively reducing your outgoings I would not agree to him not working. Not a chance.

I have always been a saver whereas DH is a bit more free and easy with money.

No, no and thrice no. More red 🚩 than a Chinese communist parade.

At the very least he needs a part-time job to tide him over. If that means doing Amazon deliveries, so be it.

can you go FT op as that would for me be the only solution to this, Is him take his summer off and you go FT.

that makes sense

He needs to be looking for and applying to jobs well before he leaves to show, if nothing else, how easy or hard it will be for him to secure another position.

He stays in current jobs until
he finds a new one. Once that in place he negotiates his leave time of old job and start time of new job to give himself time off between jobs. This is what most adults do…!

Tell him to find a job and have a delayed start date. I wanted some time off last year, found a job, had a 2 month break over summer and started after that. If a job wants you they will offer this, lots of people have to work 3 month notice anyway, so it’s quite typical for jobs not to start straight away.

yes, this

he needs to explore how easy it will be to get a job and be guided by that
it doesn’t sound like he’s be willing to take anything to pay the bills either but would be fussy about what job he takes

agree with Pp that mat leave is not the same; for one you’re getting some pay during most of it and you agreed that you would have children. What is he proposing to do during the day when the children are at school? Or is he thinking holiday clubs etc wouldn’t have to be paid for so he’d be making up that way?

six weeks isn’t really long - he could probably negotiate that kind of gap between the two jobs if he started looking for one now

@Amoneyone do you live near an airport?
They’re usually looking for summer staff.
He needs to earn money.

Agree with @Mumplus01. I did this a couple of years ago - just said I had to give two months notice when it was actually only one.

@Amoneyone how the hell does he expect the household to survive the summer without him earning a wage of any description? and then to finish paying for a family holiday?? you need to look forward to see the future picture of him flitting from job to job and summers off. he does not want to work, that is it!