DH leaving his job

[Amoneyone]

I pretty much know IABU so no poll needed but I just have to share with someone and can't IRL.

My DH wants to quit his job. He hates it. I am supportive and want him to be happy but he won't look for another job first - just wants to quit, have the summer off and look for another job in September.

I am worried. The job market is pretty bleak and although we have some savings we need him to bring in money too.

My salary covers the basics at least but there would be no room for any extras - no hair cuts, clothes, presents - that would all have to come from savings.

We have a holiday booked in August with £3k left to pay that we have been paying in instalments - that would have to come out of savings (and we should never have booked if he planned to do this - we only booked in January).

We had just got to a comfortable point and now this?

DC are 7 & 9. I work PT (0.8FTE - I finish at 3.30 so I can get back to collect DC) as DH often works late/ away so I need to be able to do all the school runs. If I go to FT that would be it for a year at least, DH says I "can't" increase to FT as when he gets another job I will need to be on hand. This is a bone of contention for me.

I have always been a saver whereas DH is a bit more free and easy with money. To be perfectly honest I just don't want to spend this money on basically a holiday for him. It is supposed to be for emergencies and a mortgage overpayment when our fixed rate runs out next year.

His argument is that I have had time out on Maternity leaves and worked PT since having children (I used to work 3 days when they were at nursery) so he should have some time too. I think it is different looking after two older children to babies/ toddlers but there we are. He will only have them for 3 weeks of the summer holidays on his own, it isn't the same.

What if he can't find another job in September? We can probably manage for a year at most. He is 46, will be 47 by September and I worry that makes him less employable.

I think he could take unpaid parental leave. Not sure of how old the children need to be. That would give him limited time out to job hunt, spend timw with the dc, without losing his job.

This doesn't sound good at all and he should not leave his job without another one lined up. Summer off? When he has a home and family to support (as you also do).

It really annoyed me to read that he doesn't want you to go full time because he wants his next job to be full time and you to do all the running around. But he's intending to have no job at all for 6 months or more! So no, go full time.

My only fear then would be he will say he "can't" get another job because you've prevented him working FT, which works be bullshit but he sounds like a bullshitter to be honest. And the kids can go to after school club until secondary which isn't exactly ages away.

He can get in the sea.

I think he will struggle to find another job.

He works for a large retailer in a regional management capacity. He has worked for all sorts of retail companies but has vowed never to be customer facing again (can't blame him!). Which limits retail jobs. He can be quite picky.
He has also worked for all the main retailers and has "reasons" for not wanting to go back to any of them. Part of the reason he wants time out is that he wants to do something completely different - he has no idea what.

I work for the civil service and am frequently sending him jobs but he always moans at how badly paid they are (well, he needs to start at the bottom again). It is better than no pay!

Going FT would bring in about £300 a month more as I would go into a higher pension bracket.

Kids already go to wraparound care the 3 days I go into the office - it finishes at 5pm and my commute is 45mins - 1hr depending on traffic so I would struggle to work until 5pm but yes, hopefully only a couple more years. I should also think about promotion but that is a whole process and might mean an office move.

He barely has a pension as he has job hopped so much and this is the highest paid role he has had (been there 2 years in May). Plus he has a company car which we will lose.

Our mortgage is currently on a 1.98% rate and we renew next January - I worry we will struggle to get a decent rate especially if he is unemployed. We will have to pay more anyway.

I absolutely wouldn't support this and tell him he needs to stay in the job till he has at least lined a new one up. You weren't on a holiday on Maternity leave you were recovering from pregnancy/birth and caring for a baby and you are part time to facilitate caring for your children. It absolutely isn't comparable. He's fucking mental, there's no guarantee he will just walk in to a new job when he decides he's ready to. It's really selfish.

Unpopular opinion but he needs to step up and tough it out for a bit. Maybe get some counselling to help with better strategies.

Either that or he needs to take responsibility for a massive shift in lifestyle - no more holidays - don't pay the balance on current one. Living much more frugally while he rebuilds another career.

Your DH is being ridiculous on several different levels at the same time.
He can’t choose to unilaterally give up work and then try and control your work life.
He isn’t a single bloke, he has a family to support alongside you, so he can’t just decide not to work.
Maternity leave has nothing to do with this, it isn’t a holiday or a break.
If he needs to change jobs fair enough but it has to be planned and budgeted for.

This is a really good idea, thank you.

I think he needs another job….. but maybe there is a compromise to be had?
could he apply for parental leave. Entitled to 4 weeks per child, plus add on holiday pay.

that way, he’d still get the summer off but also have job security whilst he’s applying for new roles and he won’t have to explain a gap in employment.

Literally just saw someone else suggest that😂🤦‍♀️. But it is a good idea haha.

he could treat it in his head as having left even if technically he hasn’t

Presumably he doesn't want to have to pick the children up from school and look after them. Lazy sod.

It's worth pointing out that your maternity leave was effectively also unpaid childcare so saving on nursery fees.

Do his current employer offer career breaks?

I agree with his view on getting a break with the kids btw. Myself and my husband did it, but with the safety of a sabbatical. (Also we sold up and had no mortgage)

He is very down about his job, he gets very stressed out about it and pulled in several directions as he reports into different people that tell him to do different things. He ends up working long hours to cover everything and completes paperwork at the weekend (I don't think he works very efficiently tbh but he won't listen to me). His remit is a wide patch and he seems to be here, there and everywhere rather than being "ok, Monday I am in x area and will cover these three locations close to one another" he is at place x, then place y 40 miles away before place z 50 miles in another direction.

He has at least said he will stay until his second anniversary of joining so he gets his employer pension contributions.

From what I have read so take with as much salt as you need, your OH resented you ‘not working’ when u were on maternity leave 🚩 and thought I want some of that.

He has job hopped 🚩 and nothing is ever right. For this to be his longest job after 2-years and he already wants to leave 🚩 without another job to go to 🚩 means that he does not have ambition and expects you to sort it out.

He doesn’t know what he wants to do for work because he doesn’t want to work - he wants to be supported by you - either not to work or take on very little fiscal responsibility.

I imagine you are the sensible one from what you said about already thinking about the mortgage renewal - does he take any financial responsibility in your relationship? I don’t think you can trust him to step up and will find yourself increasingly having to step into more hours or a job that pays more.

If this is his pattern you will expect to have this over and over again throughout your life - worrying and exhausting.

I think you need to be quite firm - that he can’t leave a job until he has another one to go to and how much of a minimum income he needs to bring in. Doesn’t look good from here tho.

I would suggest counselling / career coaching WHILE he’s being paid, and be clear there is no money for it if he quits. Other things to be very clear about are maternity leave wasn’t a holiday and don’t you dare say that again, and if you quit you also cannot tell me not to go full time when we can’t afford to live on just my current salary. I’ll be going full time, you will be doing all the pick ups while you work out what your fantasy dream job is and making it work with me on pick ups at least etc until I get to the 12 month mark, with no promises that I will drop back again and support your job. I don’t want you to quit without a job to go to and if my opinion doesn’t count then you don’t get to tell me not to be full time. If you’re going to be flaky employment wise I need to prioritise my career not looking after our kids so you can quit another job. I’d pull no punches.

In this situation I would show him the bills and tell him straight out that he can't leave his job until he has a new job. Tell his new employer that he needs to give 2 months notice when he only needs 1 and he has a month off then. It was a decision that you both made to have children and for you to work fte 0.8 so your available to collect the kids from school and you use your holiday days for care. You agreed to this as he is working full time and could be travelling for work.

Along with this you have a holiday that needs to be paid for and your savings are needed for emergencies and to pay a lump sum off your current mortgage when the fixed rate ends. If he is out of work a period of time your savings will be used. Then is your income enough to get a mortgage when your fixed rate ends?

If he leaves a job he will be asked why he left x? He can't say my boss was horrible, I was under paid, my boss was a bully ect. A new employer will ask his former employer about him and a bad reference won't help him. Also at your husband age it gets harder to get a job. From what you said about your husband he would not be happy to take any job until he gets a similar position to his current one.

One of my friends was in your position a few years ago and her husband hated his job. She said to him he could leave job x once he had another job. She helped him do up a new CV and kept encouraging him to apply for jobs. He got a new job and is still happy in it. He just did not expect her to carry the financial load and sort out childcare when he sat back.

With the current cost of living, a mortgage that needs reviewed once the fix rate ends and 2 kids that are going to get more expensive as they get older it not just him this effects but you all.
In your situation I would consider after school care and going back to work full time. I would also have half the savings in an account in your name only so he does not have access to all the savings.

I left a job once without having another one lined up as I was sick to death of it and needed a change. I signed up for an agency and had a temp job within a few days. I didn’t have kids or a mortgage at the time though so I think it’s an utterly ridiculous idea what your husband is suggesting. You’ll be burning through your savings in no time and it doesn’t sound like he’s keen to even get a part time lower paid job either.

Well, fuck me. There is no way you are being unreasonable! He is being negligent. I’m really interested how so many men manage to make their wives feel guilty for being reasonable! There’s no issue in changing jobs, but do have one lined up before you leave! Him not wanting you to increase your hours and equating maternity leave with time out makes me pretty angry - you were caring for your children, not taking a sabbatical!

I seem to be the first to bring it up but does he have undiagnosed ADHD? The job hopping/inefficiency/impulsivity/resentment/lack of planning strike me as very significant.

This isn’t meant to excuse him but to note that he may be very hard to reason with.

He is very hard to reason with and our eldest has recently been diagnosed with ADHD (tbh they have a lot of similarities!). So you could be right about that.

I feel like I am being a bit unreasonable because we do have some money to allow him to do this and I should have a bit more confidence in him that he will get stuck in with a new job in September (he has said he will just get a job with Amazon if need be). He makes me feel like I am being unreasonable anyway.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

He needs a job or he needs savings to make up the shortfall. Even if it’s not 100% the standard of living you’ve been used to, you have commitments to pay and cannot do that without additional income.

A compromise could work where he works two months and saves every penny for extras and to pay off the holiday and then quits if he’s so desperate but from what you’ve said you can’t pay off your immediate commitments without his salary.

I sympathise because working a job you loathe is soul destroying but you do need income.

Need does be. So why doesn’t he get a job with Amazon now? You have savings, that’s not the same as having massive amounts of spare money.

Weirdly, job satisfaction is (mildly) heritable. Which means at least a little, it’s hard-wired. He probably isn’t going to like any job, born out by his job-hopping and issues with every job. He thinks there’s an elusive job he will enjoy. There isn’t. He’s one of those people who doesn’t like working.

I’d be very concerned with this and would consider it a deal-breaker. But with two small children, what do you do about it? Very scary, sorry OP.

I'm another that would vote for a few weeks unpaid parental leave if possible over the summer. You can't afford for him to be out of work between jobs.

He can’t make a decision that impacts the whole family negatively and then dictate how you respond (for example, by upping your hours). It’s also COMPLETELY different from maternity, unless he’s proposing he pulls the kids out of wherever they attend and have them full time. Don’t let him manipulate you in to thinking you’re being unreasonable, he is!