To want to split with DH after 25 years together?

[stoviesfortea]

I have had thoughts of leaving DH on and off throughout our marriage but it’s always been too difficult. Kids too young, finances etc. We are very different and I actually don’t know why we even got together. It feels like it just happened and now 25 years later and 18 years of marriage, here I am.

We generally get on and have had many good times but the same old arguments and clashes come up time and time again. It’s hard to get compromises and when we argue we both just seethe and hold resentment, push it away, ignore it and then things go back to normal. But then a few months later the arguments appear again.

A big issue is I think DH has ASD (which he doesn’t believe) as one of the things we’ve always clashed over is his avoidance of people and socialising, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s gone out with me and my friends in the 25 years together. We do separate activities and I actually avoid going out with him as he’s so awkward if we bump into anyone. I have learned to live an essentially separate life apart from the things we do at home with the kids. I’m actually fine having this sort of life so a life without him might not feel much different. He also lacks empathy and insight and this really gets to me.

The latest argument was that he blew up when I said I wanted our kitchen done up (it’s literally falling apart) and he said no as has a total issue with workmen being in the house. We’ve had house stuff done over the years but he’s always said it’s ‘hell’ and has major issues with workmen being in our house.

We are also clashing over money. We’ve always been independent finance wise (own accounts but have a joint account too and split all bills), fairly comfortable (not rich but not poor) and mortgage now paid off. I recently got a decent amount of money so we can totally afford to do the house up and go on some nice holidays. Although I’ve said this is essentially family money he has this weird male pride thing where he says HE can’t afford these things so we can’t do them. Even though the money is sitting there! It’s bloody bizarre and feels a bit controlling. We had a huge argument over this with me saying I’ll pay for holidays and the kitchen and he’s saying they don’t need done and he can’t afford them anyway. AIBU to think that’s weird?!

We also clash over sex- he would happily do it every night whereas I cannot be arsed. We do have sex about once a week but if there’s a gap of even a few weeks he goes in a weird mood and we’ve had major arguments about this in the past.

He also says I constantly nag but he is so untidy and messy and I’m sick of running about after him and our kids. We have 2 daughters who are nearing the end of school and the thought of them going off to uni and me being with DH for another 18 years does not fill me with joy, the opposite in fact 😢

He has some pluses too but the minuses always seem to trump these.

I’ve said before we should split but I’ve never followed through with it. This time though feels different as the kids are older, I think they’d be OK and maybe not majorly surprised, I could potentially buy him out of the house, and I am getting no younger (we are in our 50’s)

AIBU to finally split?!!

Oh, OP! If you want to wait a few months and figure things out you should absolutely do so. But in the end don’t bother to try to get his acceptance or understanding. Just state “this doesn’t work for me anymore “ and sever the connection the way you would with a hotel that you used of a number of years that no longer suits. He doesn’t need to agree, or understand, or find that your tone is soothing. You ard not going to be responsible for his hurt feelings or his piss on the floor. When its done you will feel so free. Look forward to that.

I think this is the right decision. One of my oldest friend’s parents marriage broke down just before her A levels and it totally destabilised her.

Good luck,

I left a relationship of nearly 30 years after I realised things were never really going to change. It was hard, and it's a very long story, but now I can look back and realise that I needed to do it, it was absolutely the right thing to do, and both she and I are are happier now than we would have been otherwise 👍

How did you do it? I think I really want to leave but then get paralysed by how to do it. Despite our arguments over the weekend and me saying we should discuss things more today, DH is sitting working downstairs and I have lied and said I have zoom calls all day and I’m sitting upstairs (I do have calls but not all day!)

😰

It's a very long story, and tbh the details would make it not at all relevant to this thread... it was far from straightforward, but the upshot is I moved out for a while, then decided not to go back to a situation which made me desperately unhappy.

That paralysis is real…. I lived like that for three months

I am leaning into the paralysis as I don’t want to rock the boat before the kids exams in a few months. I’m doing lots of reading and thinking though. I have also decided I am going to confide in some real life friends about how I’m feeling and what it’s really like. I portray this picture that all is fine but they know DH is odd, one of them said ‘it’s funny how you’ve been with him for so long but I barely even know him or see him’.

If I’m honest I feel really really stupid and ashamed for being in this situation and for so long. So I just avoid it. I avoid talking about him with friends. It’s easier.

But actually, it isn’t is it.

Don’t frame it as a discussion, I made this mistake. In my ex’s mind (literally thinking) this meant there was room for compromise. And by compromise meaning I’d be worn down into believing splitting up was an overreaction and we just needed to work harder on things. And by that what he meant was I needed to stop ‘nagging’ and getting rightfully irritated by how bloody awful life was 🙃.

I had the ‘I think we need to separate’ discussion several times until the last time where I said straight out ‘this isn’t working, I’m saying it’s over and it’s not something that can be talked over. It’s done, we’re both unhappy and deserve better rather than limping along simply because we (you) think that this relationship is better the devil you know’. When you’re ready, it’s very much a ‘rip off the plaster’ moment.

Glad you had the strength to not go back and that you’re happier now

I’ve written down things I’m not happy with in our relationship. So many things I don’t even realise until I think of them. I’m looking out of my (dirty) upstairs window and remembered that he won’t allow a window cleaner in as it’s too intrusive. But won’t clean the windows himself. I wash the downstairs ones myself but can’t reach the ones upstairs that don’t open in the way. We also can’t ever have a cleaner as that’s someone snooping about and being in the house.

Oh to have a cleaner!!! If (when) we do split that’s the first thing I’m organising.

With the kids having exams coming up I would absolutely not rock the boat until they were done and out of the way. You will never forgive yourself if they mess up and you will always feel it was your fault.

In the meantime, while you wait, it will give yourself chance to get your head around what will happen, what you will do, how it will work. Look at your options, your finance and think about where you will live, how will this work with the kids, and get your ducks in a row. Formulate some kind of plan. You will find that you will be both physically and mentally ready for it to happen when the day comes that you decide is the right time.

Definitely confide in some of your closer friends. If they are good friends and have your best interests at heart, they will not judge you and it would be good to have someone to talk things through.

Try not to feel guilty or bad about this. Your DC will be old enough to understand and adjust and ultimately will want a happy Mum (I hope)

Lastly, try and feel excited about finally getting your freedom and being alone. Think about all those things you will be able to do and let that be your fire and motivation.

xxx

I felt like a complete fool for putting up with my shit marriage, so put that right out of your mind. We all feel like that when we realise we've been taken for mugs. You are not alone.

Right. Practical things.

Make lists. Maybe keep a little notebook in your handbag and jot things down as you think of them.

Start thinking about the things you would take with you to your new home. Get rid of everything else (that's yours). Declutter. Lean how to do eBay. Sell stuff. Donate stuff. Chuck stuff. If he asks what you're doing, just tell him you're spring cleaning.

Organise all your paperwork. Important documentation. Marriage certificate. Birth certificates. Banking/savings/pension statements. Passports. Start gathering all the information you will require for the divorce and financial split.

Have a place to start storing things that are important to you. Take a small storage unit if needs be.

By doing this little and often, you will be able to gently fly under his radar until you are ready to make your move.

Protect your money. Move it if you need to. Make sure you have your own accounts. Open new ones if needs be.

Start having a look at suitable rental properties so you can get a feel of what you might move into during the interim period. (You might decide you cannot live under the same roof while the divorce is in motion.)

Find out what could happen in worst case scenario, e.g. he refuses to budge and won't sell the house or buy you out. Look at how you would handle that and what action you would need to take.

Think of it like a special project you are setting up. Give it a name. "Operation Stovies" or something. Get yourself a new email address, and perhaps a new phone number which you use only for this.

Make yourself a priority. Go have your hair done. Buy yourself something nice.

Plan for the worst.
Hope for the best.
Channel your inner warrior woman.

There are so many of us who have done this and come out the other side. Yes, it feels scary at first, but you will rediscover just how strong you are.

Waiting until after the kids exams to move that conversation forwards with him is a very mature, sensible and kind decision. However, don't let it stop you making plans behind the scenes.
Work out your finances so you know for certain that you could buy him out. Or if you think he might not go for that, what your share of as selling the house would buy. Talk to a solicitor so you can get moving quickly with divorce papers later in the year. Talk to your friends. Have a think about potential answers to questions your DC might have.
Remember too you don't need one good reason to end things. It doesn't need to be about the kitchen, or the sex nagging, or having guests over. It is enough that you don't love him any more and don't want to be married to him.

I think waiting until after your children's exams gives you time to plan and daydream about the choices you could make without him stopping you. See a solicitor, get copies of everything you need to lay your hands on, financial stuff etc and then by the time you tell him it is over you won't feel all at sea but will have made decisions for yourself.

I'd also be tempted to move that inheritance money into a savings account just in case he decides to be a dick and removes it if he even thinks you might be done. I would talk about putting aside where it can earn some interest on it.

I know the saying is shit but you do only get one life. My mate at unis parents divorced just after his A levels. He said it was lovely to be with his Mum and not have his Dad make miserable comments about everything. Also his Dad realised way too late that this was his default setting. Both were happier apart.

Daydream now about what life will be when he doesn't get to comment on your choices. That will see you through this time.

I'm sure many mumsnetters are reading this thread and thinking 'that's where I'm at'.

Whilst not the exact same core issue, a lot of couples are just stumbling along, making the best of a situation.

I'm 20 years in with a DC that's just started secondary school.

We have a house in which if sold, wouldn't leave enough money for 2 small houses or flats.

My DH & I haven't fancied each other or been romantic with each other for years. We barely like each other sometimes. We disagree about nearly everything.

You write it down and think why haven't we split up?

I guess the reason is we are used to each other, come to accept our situation. Splitting up seems like a more miserable option, we'd both be skint, the DC might have to move schools, we'd lose contact with family and friends.

LTB is quite difficult when they aren't really a 'B'.

I would imagine one of us will meet someone and have an affair at some point. That might finally cause some action to be taken.

Thank you. I’m meeting a friend this week and I feel relieved that I’ve decided to speak to someone in real life about it. The sense of feeling so stupid for staying for so long has made me avoid talking about it. I fear people saying ‘what took you so long to realise?!’ but I think I kind of want / need to hear to now too. I also think I don’t know what’s normal in a relationship now as it’s been like this for so long

You BOTH deserve better than this. You know this, but it may be some time before he realises it.
Best of luck.

Thanks so much, this is really helpful! We already live practically separate lives anyway so we have our own bank accounts. We do have a joint account but it’s actually only in my name. There’s nothing in it really, a few hundred at most and is where child benefit goes. We split all bills 50/50 and always have done as it’s worked for us.

I got some inheritance last year as both parents have now died, that’s in my own account and he can’t access it. Nor would he want to, that’s part of the issue. I’ve said it’s family money as it will ultimately help our kids at uni but he has a weird male pride and says he wants nothing of it. Hoping that won’t change when I say we are over. Also hoping that solves the house issue, I would plan to buy him out and I would stay in our home. The kids have grown up here and I am by far the primary caregiver. But I’m worried in case he makes that difficult. It would be daft to force a house sale though cos with my half of the sale and my inheritance I could just buy the house back.

That reminds me of another thing- another house came up locally last year that looked amazing and we could’ve got it with my inheritance. Me and the kids were quite excited and he gave a point blank NO and refused to even look at the brochure let alone the house. He hates change.

Hence my worry how he will take all of this.

Well if you want to stay in the house then don’t bother decluttering or waste any time organizing things for a sale. Instead use his antipathy to change as leverage to get him to leave (if possible). Or use his antipathy to change and workmen to start making annoying cosmetic changes which will ultimately force him to leave in order to feel safe.

He will happily stay in increasing squalor and isolation so see if by seizing control of the house you can induce him to choose to leave.

He will never leave of his own accord. He said that he is now willing to get a kitchen and other things done as he doesn’t want to split up. But I know he will hate every moment and even when planning house changes he shows no interest whatsoever. I want these things to be exciting and joyful, not having him glare at me whenever there’s a workman in the house

You write that you’re in your 50s, so ask yourself these questions: “do I want to grow old with this man? Do I want to retire with him? Do I want to sit in a bungalow or retirement flat with him day in day out for years on end?” If he’s miserable and anti-social now, imagine what he’ll be like when he’s 70. From what I have seen, few women regret leaving their partner. I have never known anyone, male or female, initiate divorce and then regret it.

One other point to consider. Pretty soon we will have ways of slowing and even reversing the ageing process. So you may have a lot more time ahead of you than you realise.

I get that. Of course he’s horrible and basically lying through his teeth—but people who are very rigid are also very easily bent and broken.

Flip the analysis around. Rather than fearing his unhappiness—embrace it. Tell him (when you are ready to end the relationship) that you are planning to have the windows washed, to declutter, to get the house ship shape for an endless stream of guests. If he doesn’t like it he can move out. At this point when he offers or demands a divorce you can try to buy the house from him.

If he refuses to move out you go ahead and divorce and force a sale if the house.

Don’t invest in the house until after divorce. But do use tidying the house or opening it up to visitors as a way of discomfiting him.

I would, and did, I don't regret it. The idea of spending the rest of my life with a sex pest filled me with dread, I won't pretend it wasn't hard because it was. The kids took it badly to begin with even though they could see the issues with their own two eyes but they have adjusted now. I'd been unhappy for years but always found a reason not to leave until one day I had a 'eureka' moment and finished the marriage.

When I think of a future of just me and him and the kids away, it fills me with dread if I’m honest. What would we talk about?? (he goes on endless rants about politics etc and I switch off as he just rants and refuses to listen and I’m just not interested in debating with him cos it’s not a debate, he just shouts over me).

I’d love a retirement where I travel the world, visit my kids / future grandkids, feel free and have a life well lived.

As bad as this sounds I also dread if he gets a serious illness and I need to care for him in old age and then there won’t be any escape at all.

Well he’s not going to take it well is he. But that’s his life journey.