To want to split with DH after 25 years together?

[stoviesfortea]

I have had thoughts of leaving DH on and off throughout our marriage but it’s always been too difficult. Kids too young, finances etc. We are very different and I actually don’t know why we even got together. It feels like it just happened and now 25 years later and 18 years of marriage, here I am.

We generally get on and have had many good times but the same old arguments and clashes come up time and time again. It’s hard to get compromises and when we argue we both just seethe and hold resentment, push it away, ignore it and then things go back to normal. But then a few months later the arguments appear again.

A big issue is I think DH has ASD (which he doesn’t believe) as one of the things we’ve always clashed over is his avoidance of people and socialising, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s gone out with me and my friends in the 25 years together. We do separate activities and I actually avoid going out with him as he’s so awkward if we bump into anyone. I have learned to live an essentially separate life apart from the things we do at home with the kids. I’m actually fine having this sort of life so a life without him might not feel much different. He also lacks empathy and insight and this really gets to me.

The latest argument was that he blew up when I said I wanted our kitchen done up (it’s literally falling apart) and he said no as has a total issue with workmen being in the house. We’ve had house stuff done over the years but he’s always said it’s ‘hell’ and has major issues with workmen being in our house.

We are also clashing over money. We’ve always been independent finance wise (own accounts but have a joint account too and split all bills), fairly comfortable (not rich but not poor) and mortgage now paid off. I recently got a decent amount of money so we can totally afford to do the house up and go on some nice holidays. Although I’ve said this is essentially family money he has this weird male pride thing where he says HE can’t afford these things so we can’t do them. Even though the money is sitting there! It’s bloody bizarre and feels a bit controlling. We had a huge argument over this with me saying I’ll pay for holidays and the kitchen and he’s saying they don’t need done and he can’t afford them anyway. AIBU to think that’s weird?!

We also clash over sex- he would happily do it every night whereas I cannot be arsed. We do have sex about once a week but if there’s a gap of even a few weeks he goes in a weird mood and we’ve had major arguments about this in the past.

He also says I constantly nag but he is so untidy and messy and I’m sick of running about after him and our kids. We have 2 daughters who are nearing the end of school and the thought of them going off to uni and me being with DH for another 18 years does not fill me with joy, the opposite in fact 😢

He has some pluses too but the minuses always seem to trump these.

I’ve said before we should split but I’ve never followed through with it. This time though feels different as the kids are older, I think they’d be OK and maybe not majorly surprised, I could potentially buy him out of the house, and I am getting no younger (we are in our 50’s)

AIBU to finally split?!!

Your reaction to him saying he didn't mean it and that he wants to work on it says it all. You don't want to be with him. The last couple of years with my exh I remember every time he would mention going on holiday together I would panic and try and think of reasons not to go. The thought of spending non-stop time with him and sharing a hotel room just filled me with dread. It still took me a while to leave as I had other things that needed to fall into place first but it's a horrible feeling when you have got to that place that you know you don't want to fix it and you don't feel happy when they do. You just want it to be over.

A lot of this is so familiar. Sadly. My DH hated going to see my family and would go out if they came to ours. The only people we socialise with are his own siblings. I can’t imagine him having relaxing chatty convo’s with the kids future partners whereas I’m looking forward to that. I don’t want them to think it’s too awkward to bring anyone home

I completely get this and I’ve had similar conversations so many times. As you say, it’s when you reach the point that you know they might ‘try’ which is great but it’s still really forced and awkward and not the version you’re wanting. You want him to see it and mutually agree you need to split.

I absolutely think you should leave him. But, I know students and I think that doing so when a child first goes off to uni can be really tough. Their home is their anchor when they first go off. It’s very unsettling if it changes behind recognition behind their back. If they’re away they’ll worry more about it cause they’re not there to see you both getting on with life. I’d say do it when the kids are still at home or not till after they’ve been gone a couple of years.

His reaction reminds me so much of my friend who eventually saw the light. On the day she was packing her bags, her 'DH' went out to HSamuel and bought her a vastly overpriced diamond eternity ring. She had been asking for one for 20 years and he always said no, I haven't been with you for an eternity yet... Thankfully she told him to stick it somewhere and walked out the door with her head held high.

You’re op is what my relationship was like @stoviesfortea , almost word for word (including undiagnosed ASD). Leave, live your life. Believe me, you’ll look back in a couple of years and wonder why the hell you actually put up with it for as long as you did. I lasted 13 years and by the end I was mentally and physically exhausted. You don’t realise how living with someone like this is literally like carrying around a weight.

'I didn’t feel relief though, I mainly felt ‘oh god does this mean I have to stay’

Bank this reaction, and hold on to it. It speaks volumes. You're already one foot out the door, and I don't blame you one bit

Just remember not to put any of that inheritance in a joint account or use it for mutual/communal things.

If you are planning to leave, keep in personal account and don't muddy the waters or it will be pulled into being a marital asset.

A friend has just gone through similar and as it was briefly put into the joint account she has had to give him 50%
(Also Scotland)

I can just imagine how your heart dropped when he said “ok fine let’s do the kitchen” OP because it takes out a reason to go.

but you know don’t need a reason beyond you don’t love him anymore and he doesn’t make you happy. Fundamentally you’re different ppl and that’s no one’s fault, it just is what it is. I fully echo the PP who said imagine life in your 70s80s when your children won’t visit because he’s such a grumpy bugger and you feel you can’t go to them because he’ll moan and whinge for days. Apologetic phone calls with “oh you know what your dads like”. that’s no life and no future

and a new kitchen isn’t going to solve it

It is. But he keeps saying it’s all in my head and I’m twisting things. That we’ve been out ‘tons of times’ with my friends. I can count maybe 5 times in 25 years so that’s total nonsense.

I feel envious of people who go out with their partner with pride, who love being together and doing things together. He said he’s noticed I don’t show any interest in him or his life, I’ll admit to that but it’s because I’m actually not interested in it 😕 Maybe cos the kids are older and don’t need us as much it’s feeling like a huge void / chasm.

I went to a friends 50th recently- her husband invited everyone and did a speech and a lovely spread and the house was just full of love and joy. I loved that for my friend but I couldn’t help but feel sadness that my DH would never even think about doing anything like that for me. Ever.

I don’t even ever get given flowers cos ‘they stink’.

You’ve already left in your head, it’s just time to follow through with some action. He’s also had plenty of opportunity to change and hasn’t done so, so don’t put any weight on any claims he makes about changing in response to you saying it’s done.

OP you have discovered your true preference, which is to leave. As PP said hold on to it. Because now that he realizes you will end the marriage he will go into fight mode.

If the marriage is like a life that is ending you have already gone through all the stages of grief—denial, bargaining, anger, etc… and are ready first acceptance and making meaning.

But he has only just started his journey and is going to go through all his struggles right in front of you and will try to engage you in problem solving.

Its sad but it won’t work. Anymore than it works when a teenager refuses to attend school and then tries to study for a test at the last minute. He lacked empathy and insight into how a couple makes decisions about life and intimacy. Capitulating now (ok we will do what you want!) us not a better foundation for marital bliss than “we must do what I want”—they are both products of a man who can’t engage with you empathetically.

@stoviesfortea Miley Cyrus ‘Flowers’. It might be your song!

spot on! @pikkumyy77

It’s so sad to read, both because it’s your life and you do deserve better, and because it brings back memories of how undervalued I felt. Like I existed as a prop to his life, a side character to his existence. May seem melodramatic to some, but you do end up feeling like you’re living a half life. My ex also noticed that I’d stopped showing interest, but that’s only because I’d realised that he’d never truly shown interest in me - it was all superficial and almost an act of what he believed a relationship to be. I was guilted many times as I increasingly said how unhappy I was, how things never changed. Was given the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ answer ‘well we’ve spent all of this time together, might as well carry on or it’s all been a waste’. No, the rest of your life is not a waste if you can still find happiness in it!

You sound so lovely and outgoing, OP. I agree with the others who say it would be a shame to live the rest of your life beholden to misery guts Victor meldrew. Put yourself first and leave and be happy.

Honestly OP, just the fact your kids have said they wouldn't feel comfortable bringing partners over would be enough for me! The thought of my daughter not wanting to bring partners and then maybe grandkids to see me because I was living with someone moody and unwelcoming is just awful.

Your latest response says it all.

You are gone from the relationship now mentally. Get your ducks in order with a solicitor and start planning. Also stop having any further sex with him and keep conversations plain without emotion.

I feel so sick. DH is carrying on as normal today and trying to be chirpy. I know I need to talk to him tomorrow when the kids are at school but I don’t know what to say. I think I need to be honest and say my feelings for him have changed and we bicker so much that it won’t be good for either of us having an eternity of that. He thinks I’m ‘controlling’ eg cos I tell him the dishwasher is stacked wrong (who puts cups on their side?!) or that he pisses on the floor or that I like the place to look vaguely tidy (I’m by no means a clean freak but I have some standards!).

Urgh. I also remembered we’ve booked a few things for later this year but there’s never ever going to be a good time to have this convo is there

Actually I think I’m going to have to leave the big convo til after the kids exams. I don’t want a horrible atmosphere in the house when it’s an important year for them, or for them to worry. I think I’ll just say to DH I need time to reflect and think and lay low til the end of May 😬

The responses on this thread have been very useful thanks, I’m not avoiding but putting my kids needs first when they are at a critical time at school

I think you are right to wait until after their exams, you’ve had 25 years together so 2 more months is not a big deal. Just start planning your new life in the meantime, there’s light at the end of the tunnel now, best of luck.

@stoviesfortea ‘controlling’ is a great get out clause isn’t it it? You tell him he’s pissed on the floor - and that’s you being ‘controlling’ rather than he can’t control his own penis? He can’t see that he’s missed the bowl? Or rather that he thinks it’s a woman’s job to clean it up….Cups on their sides - so you won’t agent him to stack the dishwasher. Tidy house - again, you do it. Nah - have that conversation with the solicitor and head for a new life!

Do it,your regret it ……it will be hard but I think you will realise it was the right thing to do.

Yes, the 'pissing on the floor' reminded me of my ex, too. God forbid you should mention it, because that was controlling. I.Do.Not.Miss.Him. Courage, OP, it is worth it in the end.

Divorce is always a horrible business, but it's soon over and it's a hell of a lot better than staying in a crap marriage.

Use this time to take legal advice and prepare for the changes ahead. Start planning your future and picture what you want that to look like.

He will probably make things difficult for you but that's par for the course.

There'll be the usual denial, promises to change, then anger and blaming you, then refusing to co-operate. Get yourself a decent lawyer. They'll have seen it all before.

There's a much better life out there if you want it.