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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband home drunk

81 replies

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 01:06

So husband has just arrived home drunk. He doesn't usually go out and get drunk but when he does he really gets stocious. The thing is he's mid 40s and will say that the boys want him to go to the pub to watch the rugby, and that he doesn't really want to go but we both know that he will go out, which is grand obviously. He then reduces communication with me that day which feels like preparation for going out and getting as pissed as possible and not having to say when he's likely to be back. Its really annoying as we have a child and I have full assumed responsibility, I almost have to ask for permission to go out whilst he comes and goes as he pleases without answering to anybody. So he said he'd be home after the rugby at 10 then text at 10.30 saying he was trying to get a taxi. There was no sign of him so I rang him at 11.30 and he's still in pub, hadn't tried to get a taxi, sounding shitfaced and then turns up at 12.30pm barely able to stand up. He's done this before a couple of years ago and turned in at 3am and didn't bother getting in touch. That time he blamed the projectile vomiting on arrival home on 'bad beer' and not the quantity - he generally doesn't take responsibility for anything, hes like a child. I have told him to take the sofa tonight this causes so much anxiety in me, I didn't sign up for this shit, im not prepared to get used to it, and I feel the lack of communication is disrespectful, AIBU? I don't know how to stop being so pissed about this.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 16/03/2025 01:13

If it only happens every few years I'd let it go. If it was every weekend I'd be much less impressed. Is it tonight that's highlighted you're stuck holding the baby, and doing basically all the adulting? Or is it just the instance of going out tonight and getting pissed?

The former is a much bigger issue than the latter in my book.

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 01:21

Poppyseeds79 · 16/03/2025 01:13

If it only happens every few years I'd let it go. If it was every weekend I'd be much less impressed. Is it tonight that's highlighted you're stuck holding the baby, and doing basically all the adulting? Or is it just the instance of going out tonight and getting pissed?

The former is a much bigger issue than the latter in my book.

Thanks Poppyseeds79. Yeah you're right, probably bigger issues here.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 16/03/2025 01:29

”If it only happens every few years?” What model of humanity do you have that getting shitfaced, projectile vomiting, and failing to consider your wife and children is not a problem? My DH doesn’t drink to excess, or gamble, or stay out all night because he is the same kindly, family oriented man year round.

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 01:41

pikkumyy77 thanks. This is exactly why I posted, part of me thinks, this is not who I married, he doesnt usually do this and I don't like it/accept it and another part of me is saying it's not that often and he enjoyed himself, plus I know in the morning he will say that nobody else's partners have a problem so why do I, he always does this so I need a bit of perspective. Inside, my heart was pounding that he'd went and done this again, I can't help the way I feel. Maybe if he went out and got drunk all the time it wouldn't be so bad as I'd be used to it, but then again I probably wouldn't have married him on that basis.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 16/03/2025 02:27

pikkumyy77 · 16/03/2025 01:29

”If it only happens every few years?” What model of humanity do you have that getting shitfaced, projectile vomiting, and failing to consider your wife and children is not a problem? My DH doesn’t drink to excess, or gamble, or stay out all night because he is the same kindly, family oriented man year round.

Because somebody cutting loose and going out in once in a blue moon isn't the end of the world. Not every adult wants to head home at 10pm on a night out... Somebody whose day-to-day being generally unhelpful, not involved in family life and being a bit of a dick 24/7 is a relationship I'd not want to be in though.

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 02:29

Jeez lighten up, let the guy have some fun every now and then. I'd be furious if my DH kept ringing me while I was on a rare night out with friends.

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 06:37

Tbrh thanks. I rang him once to say that I was off to bed (i hadnt seen him before he went out) and to check that he was alright as he said he was getting a taxi an hour previous to this and it takes about 10 mins to get home. I don't care what time he's out to as long as I have a vague idea. I'm one of these people that can't sleep until he's home so obviously I'd rather he was back earlier but if he's not and he's let me know at least I'm not sitting on the sofa wondering if he's OK. I was actually looking forward to catching up with him for an hour when he got home as we had barely seen him that day.

OP posts:
rwalker · 16/03/2025 06:48

lighten up he 40 years old 100% leave him to it

the problem is about you having to ask to go out not him getting pissed

Bristollocalknowledge · 16/03/2025 06:49

The drinking to the point of vomitting is not acceptable but staying out longer than planned it’self doesn’t be problematic.

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/03/2025 07:11

Why does he need to be in contact with you all night? He rarely goes out so just leave him to it.

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 07:12

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 06:37

Tbrh thanks. I rang him once to say that I was off to bed (i hadnt seen him before he went out) and to check that he was alright as he said he was getting a taxi an hour previous to this and it takes about 10 mins to get home. I don't care what time he's out to as long as I have a vague idea. I'm one of these people that can't sleep until he's home so obviously I'd rather he was back earlier but if he's not and he's let me know at least I'm not sitting on the sofa wondering if he's OK. I was actually looking forward to catching up with him for an hour when he got home as we had barely seen him that day.

Re-read this. It is very overbearing. You don't need to call him to tell him you are going to bed, he is a grown man. Just let him have a rare night out and make the most of it for you. My mum used to be like this when I was a teen! (The not being able to sleep until you got home, in my mind that's trying to guilt trip). I'm sure you mean well, but you really do need to lighten up. (If his drinking is causing other issues, that is a separate matter to address).

OnePearlHelper · 16/03/2025 07:18

Yep leave him to it, I wouldn’t be in touch with my husband when he was out, he sees me enough. I would be telling him when you’re next out, not asking.

supersonicginandtonic · 16/03/2025 07:25

If me or my husband are out with friends we have minimal contact, I certainly don't call him unless it's an emergency. Why do you feel the need?
If he's drunk, leave him to sleep it off and have no sympathy when he wakes up feeling 💩.

ShinyClouds · 16/03/2025 07:27

I’d say just leave him to his night out: I wouldn’t dream of ringing a partner when they’re out for the evening, and I’d be very cross if they did it to me.

The odd boozy fun night is perfectly normal. Try to have a nice evening yourself next time, eat what you like, maybe a friend over. Go to bed and don’t expect chat after he comes in, but maybe a couple of minutes of how the night was.

And as a pp said, just tell him if you’re going out, don’t ask

NoSoupForU · 16/03/2025 07:30

I'd be really quite annoyed if my husband was mithering me while I was trying to enjoy a fairly rare night out. I'd also not be contacting him on his night out. He's an adult and has a key. He doesn't need to know when I'm going to bed. I also don't need to know when he's going to bed.

Based on that you sound quite needy and full on.

However, you also allude to things not exactly being rosy in general and there being an imbalance in the amount of free time you each have. That's where I'd be focusing my annoyance personally.

Petrie999 · 16/03/2025 07:32

pikkumyy77 · 16/03/2025 01:29

”If it only happens every few years?” What model of humanity do you have that getting shitfaced, projectile vomiting, and failing to consider your wife and children is not a problem? My DH doesn’t drink to excess, or gamble, or stay out all night because he is the same kindly, family oriented man year round.

I don't know. My husband goes out maybe once or twice a year with friends who only really know how to socialise by getting very very drunk. He gets drunk, never comes home when he says he will, doesnt communicate well during the day/eve etc. Maybe the difference though is that after a brief lie in he gets up and does a full family day with us, not letting on that he's hungover. I also know he would probably prefer a more chilled night too but his friends seem incapable of that so he generally keeps his distance and focuses his regular socializing on less drunk antics and sees the others only rarely. As long as I know he will be home safe I don't have much of an issue as he doesn't really drink aside from this and doesn't come home loud or vomiting.

Smokeyblueblack · 16/03/2025 07:33

Well yes he should get time to relax with his friends but why does that involve getting drunk? I don't understand pp who think an adult man with a wife and children NEEDS to get off his face with alcohol. Getting that drunk is disgusting. It sounds as though he hasn't grown up yet.

And why should he get to go out when he pleases, to act like an irresponsible teenager, while OP is expected to be the default parent? And then she is expected to deal with the aftermath of his drinking session?
I couldn't be bothered with a man who thought this was acceptable behaviour.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 16/03/2025 07:36

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 06:37

Tbrh thanks. I rang him once to say that I was off to bed (i hadnt seen him before he went out) and to check that he was alright as he said he was getting a taxi an hour previous to this and it takes about 10 mins to get home. I don't care what time he's out to as long as I have a vague idea. I'm one of these people that can't sleep until he's home so obviously I'd rather he was back earlier but if he's not and he's let me know at least I'm not sitting on the sofa wondering if he's OK. I was actually looking forward to catching up with him for an hour when he got home as we had barely seen him that day.

It’s really not ok that he comes and goes, totally free of any responsibility, while you are having to deal with everything for your child and require his permission to go out.

That’s not ok. He’s a shit father and husband.

FrenchandSaunders · 16/03/2025 07:37

This wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t frequent. It would bother me if he got pissy about me going out though or if he didn’t usually help with kids/home.

MyIvyGrows · 16/03/2025 07:41

I do think the texts, calls etc and fretting about him not being back when he said is a bit much; this also stands out to me:

The thing is he's mid 40s and will say that the boys want him to go to the pub to watch the rugby, and that he doesn't really want to go but we both know that he will go out, which is grand obviously. He then reduces communication with me that day which feels like preparation for going out and getting as pissed as possible and not having to say when he's likely to be back.

It sounds like neither of you are keen on the other going out, he knows it makes you unhappy so goes through this stupid charade each time when really, if it’s not that often and he’s not absolutely blackout drunk when he returns, or wastes the next day with a hangover, just leave him to it?

I don’t go out very often but I would never commit to being back at a set time - if there was something urgent or important the next day I either wouldn’t go or wouldn’t drink at all.

Catapultaway · 16/03/2025 07:41

Smokeyblueblack · 16/03/2025 07:33

Well yes he should get time to relax with his friends but why does that involve getting drunk? I don't understand pp who think an adult man with a wife and children NEEDS to get off his face with alcohol. Getting that drunk is disgusting. It sounds as though he hasn't grown up yet.

And why should he get to go out when he pleases, to act like an irresponsible teenager, while OP is expected to be the default parent? And then she is expected to deal with the aftermath of his drinking session?
I couldn't be bothered with a man who thought this was acceptable behaviour.

Edited

Bet you're fun at parties 🥳
The vast majority of adults get drunk now and again, it's not really as disgusting as you think.

mounjaromarc · 16/03/2025 07:42

I would find a resolution to you having to ask permission to go out. That was the only worrying part of the problem for me.

StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 07:45

If there is a disparity between how easily and how much each of you goes out (he can, you can't without "permission", you're always the default child carer) ... That is the problem.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 16/03/2025 07:52

Nasty drug alcohol. It's addictive as well, so he may escalate of course. People who don't get addicted tend not to drink like your husband and his drinking is making you unhappy.
Which I'm not surprised about as you are also the default parent all the time.
Our society tolerates a very unhealthy attitude towards alcohol and people like your husband seize on it to justify their drinking. Maybe your husbands friends partners do tolerate this behaviour, that doesn't mean you have to.
I guess it is up to you what you decide but I don't think your husband is showing that he is focused on you and your joint child so you clearly have different values. Its a shame as he isn't a young person now and this type of drinking is having a bad effect on his family and he doesn't care. Alcohol is a nasty drug.

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:03

Thanks all. Being labelled 'needy and overbearing' is hard to hear but maybe I am. How do I care less and stop being this way, I hate it, I wish I was more easy going like yous.
Yes I work part time and he is full time self employed which is why i tend to be the default parent and I accept that but sometimes I want to just say fuck it I'm out with the girls all day Saturday and not have him a lecture

OP posts: