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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband home drunk

81 replies

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 01:06

So husband has just arrived home drunk. He doesn't usually go out and get drunk but when he does he really gets stocious. The thing is he's mid 40s and will say that the boys want him to go to the pub to watch the rugby, and that he doesn't really want to go but we both know that he will go out, which is grand obviously. He then reduces communication with me that day which feels like preparation for going out and getting as pissed as possible and not having to say when he's likely to be back. Its really annoying as we have a child and I have full assumed responsibility, I almost have to ask for permission to go out whilst he comes and goes as he pleases without answering to anybody. So he said he'd be home after the rugby at 10 then text at 10.30 saying he was trying to get a taxi. There was no sign of him so I rang him at 11.30 and he's still in pub, hadn't tried to get a taxi, sounding shitfaced and then turns up at 12.30pm barely able to stand up. He's done this before a couple of years ago and turned in at 3am and didn't bother getting in touch. That time he blamed the projectile vomiting on arrival home on 'bad beer' and not the quantity - he generally doesn't take responsibility for anything, hes like a child. I have told him to take the sofa tonight this causes so much anxiety in me, I didn't sign up for this shit, im not prepared to get used to it, and I feel the lack of communication is disrespectful, AIBU? I don't know how to stop being so pissed about this.

OP posts:
Daisymae23 · 16/03/2025 08:03

Bristollocalknowledge · 16/03/2025 06:49

The drinking to the point of vomitting is not acceptable but staying out longer than planned it’self doesn’t be problematic.

He did that once two years ago. I hardly drink but was sick after a friends birthday a year ago. Do I have a problem??

SchruteShunned · 16/03/2025 08:07

The fact that he’s drinking so much on a rare night out that he becomes physically incapacitated, is the red flag here. Plus your statement that ‘I almost have to ask for permission to go out whilst he comes and goes as he pleases without answering to anybody’.
I agree you should not have to get used to this.

Bristollocalknowledge · 16/03/2025 08:08

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:03

Thanks all. Being labelled 'needy and overbearing' is hard to hear but maybe I am. How do I care less and stop being this way, I hate it, I wish I was more easy going like yous.
Yes I work part time and he is full time self employed which is why i tend to be the default parent and I accept that but sometimes I want to just say fuck it I'm out with the girls all day Saturday and not have him a lecture

Not repeatedly contacting DH on a night out and expecting him to be home by a certain him isn’t not caring, it’s respecting that he is an adult who I want to be able to have fun with his friends without worrying about me and the kids. Do you not want your husband to be able to stay out past 10.30 if he is having fun?

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 16/03/2025 08:10

Daisymae23
Is your drinking making your partner unhappy because it alters your behaviour for the worse and leads you to be incapable of looking after a small child? Also is it part of a pattern of unfair behaviour like in the OPS case? Otherwise I guess your point isn't relevant, no offence intended of course.

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 08:13

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:03

Thanks all. Being labelled 'needy and overbearing' is hard to hear but maybe I am. How do I care less and stop being this way, I hate it, I wish I was more easy going like yous.
Yes I work part time and he is full time self employed which is why i tend to be the default parent and I accept that but sometimes I want to just say fuck it I'm out with the girls all day Saturday and not have him a lecture

Easy. He went out so now it's your turn. Its healthy to have your own friends and have your own space and enjoy yourself. I think it's time to sit down and have a talk about everything in general. All the best OP

Zanatdy · 16/03/2025 08:13

it’s not a regular occurrence so i’d let it go. However, you need to address of the issue of you having to ask to go out, it’s his child too and sounds like he needs to step up more.

jeaux90 · 16/03/2025 08:13

Get a grip OP it was super Saturday, a major day on the Six Nations. I watched all three games and yes had several pints down the pub whilst doing so. Both of you need to unclench and have the occasional days out with your mates.

Original poster
FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:14

Bristollocalknowledge true, I think I shouldn't focus on a time, of course I want him to have fun. I do think that he should generally be home before 1am, like is that unreasonable too?

OP posts:
Daisymae23 · 16/03/2025 08:14

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 16/03/2025 08:10

Daisymae23
Is your drinking making your partner unhappy because it alters your behaviour for the worse and leads you to be incapable of looking after a small child? Also is it part of a pattern of unfair behaviour like in the OPS case? Otherwise I guess your point isn't relevant, no offence intended of course.

Yep I couldn’t look after my child that day! I was mainly hugging a toilet bowl! Is everyone here who is a parent seriously saying they never have a night off?

she said in the op he doesn’t often go out so this does not seem to be a regular occurrence. The incident she referenced of him being sick was two years ago. If it was happening weekly/ monthly then yes I would totally agree it’s unacceptable however OP has referenced two incidents two years apart.

oh and if my one big night out in ages made my partner unhappy I would see that as his problem, not mine.

OneTipsyDreamer · 16/03/2025 08:16

I hear this often from both of my sisters….. their men try to “play down” the night out by saying “oh I’ll only be gone for a couple of hours, I’ll bring food home” etc etc…. 11pm rolls around and understandably my sisters are asking where tf are you whilst the men have all the excuses “sorry bumped into my old colleague, just having one more” “trying to get a taxi but there’s a queue” “didn’t realise the time”…. The men feel like they have to lie or they won’t be allowed out because their wives harass them and get annoyed when they do go out. My sisters couldn’t care less if they’re out all night… Just don’t promise to be back or they are waiting!!
Total mis-match in communication.
I wouldn’t say anything today, he’s going to have a raging hangover and who needs a deep convo in that situation.

I think sometimes you just need a big blow out, so you shouldn’t be annoyed about that, but he needs to be honest and say, don’t wait up! And I think you need one too and you should arrange that with your friends today for a future date and get your husband to agree.
Then in a couple of days have the conversation, “look DH, you don’t go out on a big night out often so I really don’t mind if that’s what you have planned, but just be honest and say “hey I’m going out with the lads, could be home at 10 but it could turn into a big one and I rock up at 3am, I’ll be fine don’t worry but don’t wait up” if you just made that clear to me I wouldn’t be sat at home worrying that you haven’t come in or trying to ring you to check you’re ok, I’m not trying to ruin your fun when you’re out, I’m just worried”

Original poster
FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:19

OneTipsyDreamer
You have it in a nutshell, I will do this from now on, thanks

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 16/03/2025 08:22

I wouldn’t have called or text. It was a big day for rugby yesterday, whilst drinking to excess like this on a weekly basis isn’t healthy I do think going out with friends, feeling part of the group and being able to watch something like this is. I would have been so annoyed to get calls and texts asking me what time I would be coming home. Do you know any of the other wives and if they worry about there husband?

I actually wish my most recent ex had gone out with friends a bit more - we didn’t live together or have kids together but very much felt like I was the only thing he had in his life whilst my life was very busy.

AgnesX · 16/03/2025 08:23

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 02:29

Jeez lighten up, let the guy have some fun every now and then. I'd be furious if my DH kept ringing me while I was on a rare night out with friends.

If you came home to me shit faced after an all day bender you'd be sleeping in your own puke.

Both of those things are her issue and aren't just having fun.

Bristollocalknowledge · 16/03/2025 08:23

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:14

Bristollocalknowledge true, I think I shouldn't focus on a time, of course I want him to have fun. I do think that he should generally be home before 1am, like is that unreasonable too?

Why does he need to be home before one? As long as he is able to pull his weight the afternoon afterwards I don’t see the problem with him having a sleep in the next day.

FiveTreeHill · 16/03/2025 08:25

On one hand I think that yes your husband should be able to go out and have a night out with his friends when he wants

But on the other hand he has repeatedly lied to you today, and he's not granting you the same. Hes also not checked that this is okay with you, bare in mind you are caring for his child all day. I really dislike men that behave like this

I think you need to have a proper conversation with him, accept that you have been overbearing and are happy for him to have a night out, but you would a)like him to be honest with you when he thinks he'll be home and b)like the same in return.

toomuchfaff · 16/03/2025 08:30

The thing is he's mid 40s and will say that the boys want him to go to the pub to watch the rugby, and that he doesn't really want to go but we both know that he will go out, which is grand obviously. He then reduces communication with me that day which feels like preparation for going out and getting as pissed as possible and not having to say when he's likely to be back.

Oh so he's unable to say no? So he's a wetwipe walkover? I don't want to go out, i have too, the boys...

My arse, at least be a truthful human being and stop blaming your behaviour on others.

Sounds like he's emotionally immature at best. Not to mention all the other stuff.

YANBU. I'd pop the baby in their pram in the bedroom wIth him today, off out to the shop, childcare is yours today. Don't think getting shitfaced means you dip out of being a husband and father. FAFO.

You did the FA, nows the FO

Smokeyblueblack · 16/03/2025 08:34

Catapultaway · 16/03/2025 07:41

Bet you're fun at parties 🥳
The vast majority of adults get drunk now and again, it's not really as disgusting as you think.

Show quote history

Well you are obviously someone who normalises excessive drinking.

In my early twenties I was married to an alcoholic. The people we mixed with were all heavy drinkers. I drank heavily myself. But I realised that if I continued that life style it would kill me. So one morning, after yet another heavy drinking session I walked out and never went back.

We didn't have children. The people we mixed with didn't have children. And I thank God for that. It's one thing to ruin your own life life with drink. It's quite an other to ruin the lives of children: they didn't ask to be born and once someone is a parent they should be the priority. Not going on drunken binges.

As for me being fun at parties: if you are a drinker perhaps you haven't realised how boring and tedious and embarrassing drunk people are. I wouldn't want to go to a party with a crowd of drunk people because really drunks are no fun.

hididdlyho · 16/03/2025 08:37

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:03

Thanks all. Being labelled 'needy and overbearing' is hard to hear but maybe I am. How do I care less and stop being this way, I hate it, I wish I was more easy going like yous.
Yes I work part time and he is full time self employed which is why i tend to be the default parent and I accept that but sometimes I want to just say fuck it I'm out with the girls all day Saturday and not have him a lecture

He needs to stop with the double standards. If he wants to take the odd weekend off parenting and go on the piss, then he needs to allow you the same opportunity without giving you a hard time. He sounds like a dinosaur who thinks his wife's place is at home with the kids and that you exist to make his life easier.

Lotsofsnacks · 16/03/2025 08:45

one night occasionally is fine, he text u to say he’s getting a cab, but obviously his mates have said stay for one more etc. that’s fine. A lot of people on here’s partner, often disappear all night after drinking and have zero contact from them, there’s always posts on that. Your DH did contact you. It’s not a big deal if it’s not every week. The bigger issue here, is, that hes passed all the parenting onto you, so he shouldn’t be able ‘to come n go as he pleases’ if he has a young child really, it’s a joint responsibility. And why should you be the one who ‘asks’ him if you can go out?! That’s not on, you should be a team. This is causing resentment and he needs to step up

Catapultaway · 16/03/2025 08:51

Smokeyblueblack · 16/03/2025 08:34

Well you are obviously someone who normalises excessive drinking.

In my early twenties I was married to an alcoholic. The people we mixed with were all heavy drinkers. I drank heavily myself. But I realised that if I continued that life style it would kill me. So one morning, after yet another heavy drinking session I walked out and never went back.

We didn't have children. The people we mixed with didn't have children. And I thank God for that. It's one thing to ruin your own life life with drink. It's quite an other to ruin the lives of children: they didn't ask to be born and once someone is a parent they should be the priority. Not going on drunken binges.

As for me being fun at parties: if you are a drinker perhaps you haven't realised how boring and tedious and embarrassing drunk people are. I wouldn't want to go to a party with a crowd of drunk people because really drunks are no fun.

Show quote history

Not everyone is an alcoholic like you though and can have a drink now and again without it impacting their lives.
If its any consolation I'm finding you boring and tedious and you're not drunk... so they are not mutually exclusive

BoundaryGirl3939 · 16/03/2025 08:52

Mid 40s. He's too old for that shit.

Smokeyblueblack · 16/03/2025 08:53

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:14

Bristollocalknowledge true, I think I shouldn't focus on a time, of course I want him to have fun. I do think that he should generally be home before 1am, like is that unreasonable too?

You are not being at all unreasonable OP in not wanting to accept him staying out all hours getting so drunk he is vomiting all over the place. Even if he doesn't do it often it's still not acceptable behaviour.

A lot of posters on MN see nothing wrong with excessive drinking and are always quick to defend men's right to go out and get paralytic drunk and stay out all hours , so long as its not every night. I expect most of these posters have partners who do the same or they are heavy drinkers themselves.

It's your marriage. And what is acceptable to you in your marriage is what you deem to be acceptable. You don't have to lower your standards because other people gave lower standards and expectations of their partners.

DDivaStar · 16/03/2025 08:55

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:14

Bristollocalknowledge true, I think I shouldn't focus on a time, of course I want him to have fun. I do think that he should generally be home before 1am, like is that unreasonable too?

Yes its unreasonable to give your H a curfew. Just left him go out without pre planned expectations. Obviously you should be able to do the same.

This is a rare occurance so if he's not pulling his weight generally in the family home thats a conversation for another day......

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 16/03/2025 08:56

The posters calling you 'needy' or 'overbearing' must have missed this bit from your OP:

It's really annoying as we have a child and I have full assumed responsibility, I almost have to ask for permission to go out whilst he comes and goes as he pleases without answering to anybody.

This is what needs to change. You do more childcare than him because you work fewer hours than him. Fair enough, but it doesn't make you the upaid nanny. You need to set some boundaries and he needs to rethink his attitude.

DearDeadrie · 16/03/2025 08:58

My husband gets into a state maybe once every 3 or 4 years, I just tell him I will wait up until midnight if he wants me to give him a lift home otherwise I will leave the front door unlocked, he normally goes out with the same friends and if any of them get in a mess they make sure that they get home safe, but a few times DH has fallen through the front door so that gets video'd and put on YouTube as he is a funny drunk who laughs so much.
But your dh needs to be respectful of your time and you shouldn't have to worry, you just need that conversation.
But today if I was you I would leave him some water and aspirin and a sandwich and banana and a note saying you are off out for the day so he can enjoy his hangover, and it will get you out of the house so you can enjoy something that you like to do.