Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband home drunk

81 replies

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 01:06

So husband has just arrived home drunk. He doesn't usually go out and get drunk but when he does he really gets stocious. The thing is he's mid 40s and will say that the boys want him to go to the pub to watch the rugby, and that he doesn't really want to go but we both know that he will go out, which is grand obviously. He then reduces communication with me that day which feels like preparation for going out and getting as pissed as possible and not having to say when he's likely to be back. Its really annoying as we have a child and I have full assumed responsibility, I almost have to ask for permission to go out whilst he comes and goes as he pleases without answering to anybody. So he said he'd be home after the rugby at 10 then text at 10.30 saying he was trying to get a taxi. There was no sign of him so I rang him at 11.30 and he's still in pub, hadn't tried to get a taxi, sounding shitfaced and then turns up at 12.30pm barely able to stand up. He's done this before a couple of years ago and turned in at 3am and didn't bother getting in touch. That time he blamed the projectile vomiting on arrival home on 'bad beer' and not the quantity - he generally doesn't take responsibility for anything, hes like a child. I have told him to take the sofa tonight this causes so much anxiety in me, I didn't sign up for this shit, im not prepared to get used to it, and I feel the lack of communication is disrespectful, AIBU? I don't know how to stop being so pissed about this.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 17/03/2025 09:15

Daisymae23 · 17/03/2025 08:59

If you read the thread you will see it was asking for permission to go to an exercise class while her husband is working and he (rightly in my opinion) suggested she does it on the days she does not work and child is in school. It’s hardly Mrs Rochester is it? 😂

Fair point. I read the thread first thing and was going to reply, but on-line delivery turned up and dog was sick (don't think the two are connected 🤣) so I just carried on where I left off.

Note to self - read the updates!!

Tbrh · 17/03/2025 09:35

FirstTimePost1 · 17/03/2025 07:21

That comment was to with an issue whereby I wanted to go to an exercise class evryother Saturday morning which would mean him starting work 1 hour later and he made a huge deal out of it. He is self employed works Mon to fri and then would be on his own working Saturdays so I thought there would be more flexibility and I thought every other Saturday was a reasonable request, but he thought the slightly later start of 9.30am was the end of the fucking world. I have assumed responsibility every Saturday for that reason and its like a shouldn't dare ask for a Saturday to do anything as I am off 2 days a week as I work part time so I should use those days.

If the class is only every other Saturday then I think that's a reasonable request, even though you have two free days if you're doing all of the housework then it's hardly like you'll be spending your free time twiddling your thumbs. It's probably a really good idea to sit down and have a good chat as there is more going on than just going out for drinks before these issues fester

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 17/03/2025 09:48

FirstTimePost1 · 16/03/2025 08:03

Thanks all. Being labelled 'needy and overbearing' is hard to hear but maybe I am. How do I care less and stop being this way, I hate it, I wish I was more easy going like yous.
Yes I work part time and he is full time self employed which is why i tend to be the default parent and I accept that but sometimes I want to just say fuck it I'm out with the girls all day Saturday and not have him a lecture

Erm... I would be pretty pissed off if my DH had a pattern of reducing contract before going out in preparation for just turning up whenever he wants. It seems extremely manipulative.

If he said "hey, I am going out. I expect to be home around 3am and will be very drunk so will sleep on the sofa"... Would you have an issue?

Knowing what to expect and that he is late out of choice (not dead in a ditch) is very reasonable.

I don't think it's needy at all, you aren't asking him to message you all night.

The other issue is the double standards. If he goes out with friends, you go out with friends.

I would be putting my foot firmly down about disparity surrounding this. I woukd be having a big conversation and saying that you don't mind him going out but you just want the communication to improve a bit. Also that double standards lead to resentment.

Does he want to be known as the husband who doesn't let this wife see her friends? If he is that way, I wouldn't cover for him. I would get on the phone in front of him and say "sorry Sally, DH is very upset about me coming and I now feel too guilty".

Show him up for how ridiculous he is being

(only if having a big conversation doesn't work, of course).

Although he doesn't sound like a very nice person overall, so that would give me pause.

Daisymae23 · 17/03/2025 10:01

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 17/03/2025 09:48

Erm... I would be pretty pissed off if my DH had a pattern of reducing contract before going out in preparation for just turning up whenever he wants. It seems extremely manipulative.

If he said "hey, I am going out. I expect to be home around 3am and will be very drunk so will sleep on the sofa"... Would you have an issue?

Knowing what to expect and that he is late out of choice (not dead in a ditch) is very reasonable.

I don't think it's needy at all, you aren't asking him to message you all night.

The other issue is the double standards. If he goes out with friends, you go out with friends.

I would be putting my foot firmly down about disparity surrounding this. I woukd be having a big conversation and saying that you don't mind him going out but you just want the communication to improve a bit. Also that double standards lead to resentment.

Does he want to be known as the husband who doesn't let this wife see her friends? If he is that way, I wouldn't cover for him. I would get on the phone in front of him and say "sorry Sally, DH is very upset about me coming and I now feel too guilty".

Show him up for how ridiculous he is being

(only if having a big conversation doesn't work, of course).

Although he doesn't sound like a very nice person overall, so that would give me pause.

This seems a massive stretch that she has to call Sally and tell her that she can’t come out? No where in her post and further updates does she say he is stopping her from seeing friends. I’m sorry but I don’t equate ‘go to exercise class in the week when you are not working’ to ‘OP is not allowed out with friends’

If that is the case - then of course it is completely wrong and needs to be addressed but are we reading the same thread and updates?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 17/03/2025 10:04

Daisymae23 · 17/03/2025 10:01

This seems a massive stretch that she has to call Sally and tell her that she can’t come out? No where in her post and further updates does she say he is stopping her from seeing friends. I’m sorry but I don’t equate ‘go to exercise class in the week when you are not working’ to ‘OP is not allowed out with friends’

If that is the case - then of course it is completely wrong and needs to be addressed but are we reading the same thread and updates?

I read that he gives her a lecture when she wants to go out, I think I quoted that comment when I replied to OP.

But I may have missed some details too, maybe I am wrong :)

Daisymae23 · 17/03/2025 10:17

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 17/03/2025 10:04

I read that he gives her a lecture when she wants to go out, I think I quoted that comment when I replied to OP.

But I may have missed some details too, maybe I am wrong :)

She updated that she wanted to go out during his working hours and he pushed back saying it should be when she is not working instead. Sounds like he handled it badly to be fair - no need to be a prat about it, he just needed to explain that these are the hours on a Saturday he needs to work.

at no point can I see that OP has mentioned her going out or not going out in the evenings.

I think the main issue here is one that is common in relationships where one person works part time and another works full time - in this case, over full time. Naturally it’s the part time parent that assumes more parental responsibility and likely more house work. If OP is not happy with this, she needs to go full time and they share additional costs such as after school care and fully shared all bills ext ect and weekends become fully shared with parenting. With one primary age child this should be pretty easy to do.

if OP is not happy with the balance it can lead to resentments which boil over to other aspects, like him going out once in a blue moon and not behaving the way you had expected.

I am the part time working parent and I do get finding the right balance is hard and something that needs to be worked out and communicating is key!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page