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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t tell me SiL was violent

65 replies

idontunderstandyou · 15/03/2025 10:51

Have been with DH 10 years, 4 kids.

I know he has never got on with his sister, who is 10 years older than him. I never got an explanation to why but didn’t particularly like her either so understood. We have always been pleasant and see her throughout the year for family events and celebrations.

There have been several occasions where I have been uncomfortable with her behaviour, where she has been quick to be rude or angry over nothing for example. DH has specifically told me before that that’s just how she but that she is harmless so not to worry.

I was told today by a family friend that she on several occasions really hurt him and other sibling when they were children and she was a teen. Some serious injuries that required medical attention and have left scars. Also that she was arrested for a violent incident in the last few years.

I haven’t had a chance to ask DH about it yet as we have family here (not SiL) but I’m so upset and angry that he didn’t tell me and has let her around our children.

AIBU to be upset and think he absolutely should have told me?

OP posts:
Fahdidahlia · 15/03/2025 10:55

Completely understand why you are upset but please tell and put yourself in his shoes. He was severely abused and is probably traumatised, feels humiliated and is trying to bury it deep inside him as is probably still scared. The poor man. Please show him only empathy and kindness as that's what he needs.

Smokeyblueblack · 15/03/2025 10:58

I think you should wait and hear what he has to say about things before jumping to the conclusion he hasn't been honest with you.

The family friend may not know the truth of what happened in the past.

If your SiL has the potential to be violent then yes he should have told you. But it's hard to believe he would have put his own children and you in any sort of danger. So you need to hear what he has to say.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/03/2025 11:21

@idontunderstandyou so really, he has endangered your kids? has he ever left her alone with them?? I would be mortified if I was him having a nut job sister!

Original poster
idontunderstandyou · 15/03/2025 11:23

I can definitely show empathy and kindness at the same time as being upset and angry with him.

although our dc have never been left alone with her, they have been in the same room often, sat on her lap etc. If any of what family friend said is true and they have no reason to lie and it all makes sense then I don’t want her anywhere near them

OP posts:
GlennCloseButNoCigar · 15/03/2025 11:37

idontunderstandyou · 15/03/2025 11:23

I can definitely show empathy and kindness at the same time as being upset and angry with him.

although our dc have never been left alone with her, they have been in the same room often, sat on her lap etc. If any of what family friend said is true and they have no reason to lie and it all makes sense then I don’t want her anywhere near them

I wouldn’t either. Probably OTT but she wouldn’t ever go anywhere near my children again.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/03/2025 11:38

My ex was SA by his dsis.. Only me knows.. Not his dw or dc.. He has sadly tried to rewrite history as a self preservation method... Try not to be mad at dh...

KatherineParr · 15/03/2025 11:41

DH's much older brother sounds similar to your SIL, although he is careful not to show this side to outsiders now he has a very posh well-paid job. We see him only when absolutely unavoidable (once every few years if the inlaws have a medical crisis) and we agreed before we got married that he is never allowed around our children. It was a red line for me.

Ahsheeit · 15/03/2025 11:41

My brother was the same to his younger siblings. It stopped when he moved out for the army in late teens and he never did it again. Although I'm not in touch with him for other, varying reasons, I never felt he was a threat to my children, or he wouldn't have been allowed anywhere near them.

AppleKatie · 15/03/2025 11:42

I agree that your DH needs your empathy and support here.

If you have never left your DC alone with her nor have you witnessed her being unkind in any way to them then don’t overreact to the idea she’s been ‘near’ your dc. They are not hurt, it does sound very much like your DH is though.

Endofyear · 15/03/2025 11:45

OP I think you should wait and calmly have a conversation with DH when you can be alone. For a start, you may have got incorrect information from the family member as these things can be exaggerated in the retelling. I would want to hear from your DH before being angry and upset with him.

It's possible that the incidents in his childhood have been minimised by others, his parents for example. Depending on his age at the time and the trauma he probably suffered, his memories could be patchy or incomplete. Domestic violence in the family is a complex issue and it often looks clearer from the outside without the complicated feelings and dysfunctional family dynamics involved. Please be kind to him, just having the conversation with you will probably be traumatic for him.

Poppinjay · 15/03/2025 11:48

He's probably been vigilant to make sure she has never had the chance to hurt your children. That would be his way of fulfilling his parental responsibility to protect them.

He's also protected himself by dealing with the situation in a way that he can manage. He may well feel awful for not telling while also being unable to manage the emotions involved in doing so.

I would just let him know that you're also now aware of what she did, that you will be able to take on some of the responsibilty for keeping your DC safe, which may mean she doesn't get to spend time with them again, and that you're there for him if and when he would like to talk.

Please don't burden him with your emotions about his abuse. That would BVU.

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2025 11:48

It's important that you allow yourself time to decompress before tackling this situation. When you raise this as a dicussion you need clear objectives as opposed merely to venting your frustration, even if that anger is completely justifiable.

Approach this in the mode of exactly what it is you want to happen as a result of your discussion. My priorities would be 1. to protect my children, and 2. support DH through coming to terms with any residual trauma. His sister doesn't feature. She isn't important. Tell him frankly how his omission of the truth has made you feel, as opposed to he has done/not done. I.e. 'this has left me feeling upset, frustrated and powerless, because my full capacity to make informed parental decisions has been taken away'. Set out in clear terms exactly what you are willing and not willing to do. 'I'm willing to support you through counselling/trauma therapy and to listen to what you have to say. I'm not willing to have our children in your sister's company except at formal family events (weddings, funerals etc)'. This is far likely to bring about the result you want than going after him with guns blazing. Keep your eyes on the desired end result.

Listen to him before you talk, but don't let whatever you hear detract you from what you need to do. A final disclaimer: for all I would deal with your kind of situation as above - and have done, in the past - I'm also only human and was fucking furious, as I'm sure you now are.

Park it, while you deal with the necessary. Use Mumsnet to vent that feeling: that's what we are for!

OldCottageGreenhouse · 15/03/2025 11:48

I’d be furious but would try not to make it clear quite how angry I was.
As for her though, she would never see my DC again. Ever

Chuchoter · 15/03/2025 11:50

Depending on his age when injured he might not remember.

Regarding the scars has he lied to you about them?

soupyspoon · 15/03/2025 11:52

I dont think you have the right to be upset and angry, sounds as if your childrne havent been unsupervised with her and theres no suggestion he has ever wanted them to be unsupervised with her?

He will need to come to terms with his own history in his own way and also his perception and truth is not the same as someone elses.

He needs support not your judgement.

rwalker · 15/03/2025 11:58

It’s about him not you and by the sounds of it he’s allowed contact but doesn’t sound like he’s put them at risk
what happened was totally different situation

if he wanted to or felt the need to he would of told you

the guy was abused sounds like he’s been able to deal with it he does not need shit off you years later for being a victim

has you SIL ever done anything to your kids

ArtfulPeachPeer · 15/03/2025 12:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/03/2025 12:16

Perfectly understandable to be upset but she has never been alone with them. Please be kind and don't criticise him. As others have said, he might try and re-write history for self-preservation.

DysmalRadius · 15/03/2025 12:17

I can understand your frustration if he has specifically excused unpleasant behaviour on the grounds that she is harmless when he knows that isn't true. Whether he said that because he genuinely believes it or because he's worried about repurcussions if he was honest about her history, it isn't ideal.

I would be a lot more forgiving over an ommission, but it sounds like he has defended her and fully lied in the process which does need addressing.

Anonycat · 15/03/2025 12:18

idontunderstandyou · 15/03/2025 11:23

I can definitely show empathy and kindness at the same time as being upset and angry with him.

although our dc have never been left alone with her, they have been in the same room often, sat on her lap etc. If any of what family friend said is true and they have no reason to lie and it all makes sense then I don’t want her anywhere near them

Why not, if you never leave them alone with her? I understand your immediate reaction but I hope on reflection you will conclude you were overreacting. I’m sure your DH is as anxious as you are about the welfare of the children, and he is the one who knows her best.

Hwi · 15/03/2025 12:19

If you are worried about the genetic element, don't. We never know, we really don't know enough.

SpringingIntoSummerLobelia · 15/03/2025 12:19

I agree to talk with him about it.

My mother who is now 75 only recently revealed the extent of the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of one of her older sisters. She was very casual about it. I was horrified and said that it was abuse and she just said 'no, not really- that's what sisters do'. It was her normal and she did not recognise it as abuse.

Their parents left the household when she was 11 and she was brought up by her sister. Her sister used to beat her and once tied her to the back gate and left her there overnight. It took me being openly shocked for her to understand that it WAS abuse. I know that seems crazy, but it was normal for her.

lostintherainyday · 15/03/2025 12:21

You need to try to understand that people who grow up with these things in their childhood don’t see them the way others do from outside.

To him it is just how he experienced life - unremarkable - not something that is so unusual as to need special disclosure.

Ritzybitzy · 15/03/2025 12:23

idontunderstandyou · 15/03/2025 11:23

I can definitely show empathy and kindness at the same time as being upset and angry with him.

although our dc have never been left alone with her, they have been in the same room often, sat on her lap etc. If any of what family friend said is true and they have no reason to lie and it all makes sense then I don’t want her anywhere near them

This is all history not recent past. Every level of you is being unreasonable and gives some explanation as to why your OH didn’t tell you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/03/2025 12:26

Sounds like his parents did a proper job on him there - convincing him that it's all fine and was just how she was/he probably did something to provoke her, let's not make a big thing about it, what would the neighbours say, blah, blah, blah.

I'd have the most problem with them, not him.