DH didn’t tell me SiL was violent

[idontunderstandyou]

Have been with DH 10 years, 4 kids.

I know he has never got on with his sister, who is 10 years older than him. I never got an explanation to why but didn’t particularly like her either so understood. We have always been pleasant and see her throughout the year for family events and celebrations.

There have been several occasions where I have been uncomfortable with her behaviour, where she has been quick to be rude or angry over nothing for example. DH has specifically told me before that that’s just how she but that she is harmless so not to worry.

I was told today by a family friend that she on several occasions really hurt him and other sibling when they were children and she was a teen. Some serious injuries that required medical attention and have left scars. Also that she was arrested for a violent incident in the last few years.

I haven’t had a chance to ask DH about it yet as we have family here (not SiL) but I’m so upset and angry that he didn’t tell me and has let her around our children.

AIBU to be upset and think he absolutely should have told me?

It is, because her children are spending time with this woman.

When I was little I accidentally knocked over the bike of a lady who worked for my parents. She got in my face, held up a finger and said nastily “If I find a scratch on this I’m going to take this fingernail and scrape it down your cheek and make you bleed.”

I burst into tears. My mum came over and the woman switched to kind and polite, saying to me so kindly “Oh it’s okay! It’s just a bike, it doesn’t matter!”

I was too distraught to explain what had happened, it was horrifying for little me. I just felt embarrassed and kept it to myself because I didn’t want the lady to do anything like that again.

All that to say, I wouldn’t trust this person with my children at all.

Spending time with her, as what, she is their mentor, a confident, a role model? Any of those things? Doesnt sound like it

Sounds as if perhaps she visits or they visit her or other family and they sit around, perhaps she talks to them, plays with them, cuddles them, but they're not alone with her. OP hasnt said she has been aggressive or inappropriate with them (or OP), they sit on a sofa, at the table, out at a restaurant or whereever they are going.

When you say 'trust with my children' what does this mean, is she taking them away on holiday or something?

@idontunderstandyou your husband is a victim of abuse. Please don’t assume he hasn’t taken steps to keep your DC safe. He is likely to be hyper vigilant in every situation.
My nearly 10yrs older sister abused me and her behaviour has continued into adulthood. Believe me, this type of sibling abuse is regularly minimised as ‘sibling rivalry’ and ‘high jinx’ - yes I have lifelong scars too. Your husband is likely to have lots of internal conflict about how to view her behaviour and shame at being a victim. Even when you distance yourself from a sibling abuser you have to continually justify it to family and society. It’s damned hard to justify/ re-live over and over and over and over. The shame just piles up.
Please, please don’t be annoyed or angry with him. Just go to him with open arms and empathy so you can help him move forward together. Remember you are the one with all the power in this situation so please use it kindly.

Whatever it was, she was arrested for a violent incident in the last few years.

Would you really hide from your partner that a close family member is violent, enough to be arrested? I mean the bar is quite high for that…..

Just that incident, wo the childhood stuff, is an issue imo.

@LongDarkTeatime but have you talk to your dh about it or have you hidden it?

It’s one thing to be like an hawk and have agreed with the other parent that it’s an adequate response. It’s another to take the decision and not involve your partner. They’re allowed to make a different risk assessment and expect a discussion around it.

I have calmed down before I talk to him. I can understand why it would be difficult for him and that there could be other reasons he decided to tell me.
If it was other way around though I would think it was information my husband should know and I wouldn’t ever let my relative near my dc.

Your poor DH 😢 I understand your mothering instinct is more important than anything but please listen to him before leading with anger

Well that depends which time me point you’re referring to. Obviously you are familiar with how long victims of abuse take to recognise then fully understand their experiences. So are you talking about when I found the courage to distance myself from my abuser, when I began to understand it was unacceptable behaviour, when I began to understand it was abuse, when I found the courage to label it as abuse out loud, when I found the courage to name it over and over and over again when challenged, or just now when you asked the overly simplistic question?
Yes, at one of those points I did talk to my partner, but after I’d protected DC because hypervigilance makes you act first.

Now I’ve had time to think about it I am actually just as upset that he’s felt he’s has to have her in his house and be pleasant to her and that he felt he should keep quiet about it and not tell me.
I do know that his intention would never have been to try an expose are dc to harm and looking back I cant remember any situation when he wasn’t right there watching

@LongDarkTeatime im a victim of childhood abuse. Currently being diagnosed with c-PTSD because of that.
I think I know about abuse too.

And I still think that struggling to talk about childhood is fair enough. I don’t agree about not mentioning the violent behaviour in recent years.

I have realised that just because the family friend knew about the recent arrest, that doesn’t necessarily mean DH did. They are not close and I don’t think she or his parents would tell him

Fully agree @idontunderstandyou

It was part of my very first answer to you.

@LionME I’m sorry you have had experiences which have led to a diagnosis of complex PTSD. I’m sure this w I’ll make you even more aware that every persons trauma, how they experience that trauma, and how they react to that experience is individual to them at that time and can change. A constant is how unhelpful it is to generalise, make assumptions or ask for justifications.
Ihope you receive the time, compassion and care to help you move forward in a way you value.

There is still a stigma around men and domestic violence, add in the fact that it was familial, it is very likely that OP's husband finds it nearly impossible to talk about. Even to her. The trauma will be buried deep and dragging it all out will be very painful. I get that OP feels she should have been told before now but how would he start that conversation? I don't think I could bring up childhood trauma that easily. This needs to be handled very sensitively and with as little accusation as possible.