DH didn’t tell me SiL was violent

[idontunderstandyou]

Have been with DH 10 years, 4 kids.

I know he has never got on with his sister, who is 10 years older than him. I never got an explanation to why but didn’t particularly like her either so understood. We have always been pleasant and see her throughout the year for family events and celebrations.

There have been several occasions where I have been uncomfortable with her behaviour, where she has been quick to be rude or angry over nothing for example. DH has specifically told me before that that’s just how she but that she is harmless so not to worry.

I was told today by a family friend that she on several occasions really hurt him and other sibling when they were children and she was a teen. Some serious injuries that required medical attention and have left scars. Also that she was arrested for a violent incident in the last few years.

I haven’t had a chance to ask DH about it yet as we have family here (not SiL) but I’m so upset and angry that he didn’t tell me and has let her around our children.

AIBU to be upset and think he absolutely should have told me?

Was she also a child or very young adult/older teen at the time, how was she being supported with her bahviour, whats the cause of it. This isnt excusing her abuse of him but if that was a current thread about her behavioral concerns there would be lots of focus on her needs, behaviour is communication etc etc

OP you dont know the context of what was happening or why she has developed the way she has.

The OP says the SIL has been arrested in the last few years - I think that is recent enough to be a cause for concern.

This is not about you OP. Stop making it about you.

It is his past. His trauma. His history. You support him and stop making this your issue.

It's the OP's present when she and her children are spending time with someone who she has witnessed being quick to anger and has only tolerated it because she's been lied to about the person's propensity for violence.

Whatever happened in the past, if her husband has lied about recent violent behaviour from his sister to persuade the OP to act against her better instincts with regards to their children, then it's very much the OP's issue.

Poor guy. I wouldn't rip his head off for having let the kids sit on her lap. It's not like she's just going to attack them out of nowhere unless she's an extremely unstable adult, which you'd probs have clocked by now. Don't make it all about you. You're not the victim here.

Wait till you hear what he has to say, but he has clearly lied to you if what you have been told is true.

I would be very upset too at being misled by him.
I would be giving serious thought to whether I would be in her company again with my children.

I take violence very seriously and wouldn't want to be ariund it.
The fact that he may have lied to you about this tells me that he knows well this is very wrong.

Violence of that nature is not normal family life.
Thats really fxxked up IMO.

Abusers often hold power over their victims. He may still be scared of her. 100% we wouldn't be blaming the victim if the genders were reversed.

I’m another who thinks dh probably hasn’t mentioned it because he is there to protect the dc. If she ever raised a hand to them, I’ll bet he’d have knocked her flying. Don’t be too harsh when you speak to him, OP, he’s a victim and he wouldn’t allow her to touch your dc.

YABU. Sounds like he assessed risks and decided it was safe to be in the same room but not left alone. And sounds like he was right.

There have been some great responses already, OP. I’m just going to add that he may genuinely not believe she is a threat to the children because he may believe he was part of the problem as a child. Of course objectively we can see that an older perpetrator is the one at fault, but as a victim of abuse when he was young he may have internalised feelings that it was his fault. So he may think she won’t hurt them because he believes he was responsible as a kid.

It's not just that he hasn't mentioned it - he has specifically misled the OP when the matter has come up and he has do so to defend her when she has behaved in ways that concerned the OP.

If his plan is to protect his children from her, why deny the OP the knowledge that would help her to do the same?

This thread is fascinating.

Because of it had been a mum not telling her dh that their brother had been violent to them as a child so much so that they (or other siblings) needed medical attention, I’m sure the answers would have quite different.
No understanding poor mother who is traumatised but why the heck did you put your dcs in danger.

@idontunderstandyou I think you first need to approach that with curiosity and check whether what the family friend told you is true or not. In particular the more recent dealings with the police.
Then you need a chat with your dh about what the next steps are.

The harsh reality is that you can’t solve his trauma and his reaction to it.
I also think that brushing things under the carpet and being understanding goes only so far. Nice for him but maybe not a great idea for the dcs. I suspect you’ll have to lay your own boundaries there.

I wouldnt answer any differently, perhaps I would be harsher to the OP (the husband), I dont consider the children have been put in danger.

YANBU. Its very common for abuse survivors to either underestimate or overestimate risk. He may have been persuaded to sweet it under the carpet to maintain the family image.
I think it would be worth you going for couples counselling with someone who understands abuse and family dynamics. He could still be enmeshed with his family, in which case he won't be able to see a problem no matter how you speak to him about your concerns.

I’m on the other side of this. I hurt others as a teen and also have a criminal record for a violent offence in my early 20s. Nobody knows at all and I’ve gone NC with my family for over 20 years so they could not sabotage my life and tell my dh or his family. In my case it was self defence that was then used against me. Until you have the full facts of a situation I’d hold back on making a judgement but also it’s wise to not let your dc near her until you do know full facts to keep them safe.

Do not approach him in anger. Talk with him about what you heard, but in the calm way that you'd use with someone who was a victim.

DO NOT leap to demanding that the children are never in her company again. They have never been left alone with her, nor will they be. Don't re-traumatise your DH that way. You don't yet have his version or his perspective, and how he deals with family life now. Please don't turn it into a drama. Your children are fine, there is no imminent danger to them at all. It sounds as though he's managing things in his own way and he keeps them safe by being there.

If he hasn't left the children alone with her then YABU.

Don't make this all about you.

It happened back in their teens. It obviously isn't/wasn't good it happened but your dh doesn't see it as a current issue that needs raised you should respect that.

If nothing physical has happened in adulthood when teen hormones/rashness are now out of the equation, I think your are being OTT to be angry about it or considering causing issues in his family over it by considering not letting the kids anywhere near her.

My dbro lamped me a couple of time when we were kids/teens, I am confident it is not something that will happen again, we just wound each other up. I've never mentioned it to dh, not that it is a secret of any kind, it is just irrelevant childhood stuff that has never come up in conversation.

I get completely why you’re upset with him. But from his perspective, he has probably been encouraged heavily to get over everything she’s done “because she’s family”. If she’s always been a violent, quick to anger bully and he’s known no different, this was normal for him. She’s 10 years older than he is so this behaviour was I’m guessing already established by the time he was born. It’s honestly shocking what some families let slide because it’s “just that person's way” and they’re related.

I would talk to him about it, let him talk about her and what she’s done if he will, and both agree that you will never, ever leave her alone with your children again. I really hope he will have a conversation with you and not bury this shit. It needs to come out.

It affects me though doesn’t it, he’s my husband and we have 4 children together. His sister being in our house around him and our children is my business.

the things I was told about happened when she was a teen, he was a child. There’s a 10 year age gap.

It’s a very complicated issue for your DH. He is probably balancing his own needs to normalise relationships in his family and not pass on uncomfortable feelings of alienation to his children.

He may not feel he has enough support within the family to banish her, and it sounds like there are other victims too whose feeling may weigh on him. And if she was violent as a child, it’s quite possible someone was violent with her - even someone else in the family so the sense of her responsibility might be diluted.

Family abuse is always like this, it lasts through the generations and impacts everyone and every occasion that the family gets together.

Your children’s safety is important of course, but if they are not exposed, your DH’s emotional safety is paramount. He doesn’t have to tell everyone about his experience. Often the act of telling people over a lifetime is so re-victimising, and so pointless in terms of any gains, that people prefer not to.

I'm not the same person I was as a teen. Do you know what she was arrested for in the last few years?

You can work yourself up about the sister being in your house around your children, or you can not work yourself up because she was never left alone with them, nothing’s ever happened and your DC are fine. It sounds like you’re inclined to do the former, but it seems unproductive and needlessly panicked, and feels much better to presume your DH and the father of your 4 dc hasn’t deliberately connived to lie to you and put your children at harm. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt and approach any conversation with about this with love and care, not assuming the worst?

Apart from being rude, she hasnt been a risk to you and the kids though has she?

So yes its not nice to think about the relationship they once had and him being harmed by her, but thats about it in terms of 'your business'. Theres no suggestion your kids are going to be alone with her, so its not really relevant to them unless one of them says Im going round Aunties house today. Which sounds unlikely