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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're single, how many people have a relationship you are genuinely envious of?

113 replies

TheAmusedQuail · 14/03/2025 23:21

I've known of 2 couples over the years that I've known and thought, that is what a relationship should be.

The first was a couple who were having a baby together in their 40s. They'd both been divorced, but had found each other, and were blissfully happy. He died the year after, but... for that moment in time, I was envious of their relationship.

The second is a married couple that I worked with. They are genuinely happily married. She's a dumpy little thing and he honestly feels she is gorgeous and very clever. He's geeky but she totally respects and fancies him. I've known them for over 10 years and have never seen anything to dissuade me about how good their relationship is.

However, these are literally the only 2 couples where I've thought, that is a really good relationship. I'm sure most of the people I know who are married are happy together, but I see those relationships and would hate to be in them.

So YABU - there are plenty of enviable LTR around.
YANBU - most LTR are not worth having.

OP posts:
Bimblebombzle · 15/03/2025 01:37

I'm not envious but I can think of 2 that have what I consider normal relationships - I think the hall mark of these is that they are friends with each other and that they value love, respect, family. They disagree on things too, so there is a respect for each other as individuals.

I heard recently that another 2 friends who I thought were in good relationships don't like their partners and want to leave. I think these relationships lack warmth, partners aren't pulling weight, focused on career over family. So in short choose a warm, modern, stable kind of partner.

Catsbreakfast · 15/03/2025 02:20

The problem is you and how you see people. I know plenty of people in loving relationships. Me and my partner are in a loving relationship. I am not jealous of my friends nor do I go around calling people “dumpy little things”. You pretend to be happy for them but the envy is dripping from your posts if this woman wasn’t deserving and her partner was somehow hoodwinked. Work on your attitude first maybe.

Redspottyfrog · 15/03/2025 02:23

I may be a bit blinkered but thank god I married my DH and not the DHs of the majority of my friends. Most of them are arseholes and that’s not going off what friends have said that is my observation

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 15/03/2025 02:38

FastFood · 14/03/2025 23:45

None. Most of them have good relationships, but I'm just not interested in having that. No relationship is better for me.

Exactly this. Most of my friends have good marriages and relationships. Good for them. I'm not envious because I am not interested in a relationship.

sammylady37 · 15/03/2025 07:05

Finmory · 15/03/2025 00:49

Envious of none, the relationships I see around me all involve a level of compromise I'm simply not interested in making.

People who settled for various reasons, turn a blind eye to things I couldn't, have compromised to a point that resentment has set in. Some seem to prefer this to being single, some have found themselves trapped I think.

But I actually can't think of a relationship that seems healthy, respectful, and equal. Which is really sad. And actually if I can see these issues from the outside it makes me wonder what's going on behind closed doors.

I feel the same. I’ve observed many, many relationships and have yet to observe one that makes me in any way envious or think that’s what I’d like for myself. Most of the time I give silent thanks that my life doesn’t involve such a relationship! I’m not saying the people involved aren’t happy, or don’t love each other, but I do feel that the relationship involves compromise, settling, inequality etc in ways that I could not tolerate.

Some people resolutely do not want to be single, and will stay in sub-par relationships to avoid that. A friend of mine is a classic example. She has said things like “but if I wasn’t with him who would I be with, I don’t want to be on my own” and “but it’s better than being on my own”. I think it’s sad that some people cannot see that being single is better than being in a bad relationship, but we have conditioned women to think that the optimum is having a man and that that is how success is measured.

DumpyLittleThing · 15/03/2025 07:09

pinching that for my next user name.

Sinkintotheswamp · 15/03/2025 07:13

Also, only two couples who seem to be equal. Everyone else has a sexist partner who "helps" with housework children etc and the mum carries the mental load.
I do know couples without children that also have a sexist partner.

offmynut · 15/03/2025 07:24

I love being single never been envious of anyones relationship.
I was envious of single people when i was with my ex.
I like my own space my own way and love being selfish.
Some people need others and need company and want the love of another i dont.
I dont need that at all.
I love my life love myself.
Maybe im just not cut out for men in my life too much drama with them.
I dont need or want loads of friends either i dont need a group or a partner to make me feel whole or wanted.

Breakitdownplease · 15/03/2025 07:26

Genuinely? None.

RiRaAgusRuailleBuaille · 15/03/2025 07:35

My middle brother and his husband. But that is literally it from the hundreds of couples I know.

FlyingontheGround · 15/03/2025 07:36

I’m recently separated and when I look around the people I know, not many of them are in relationships I’d like to be in. I see a lot of inequality and disrespect and I don’t think I could stand it. I’m not sure whether my perspective is all out of whack and these are just the compromises you have to make to be in a relationship of if I’m right and it should be better.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 15/03/2025 07:38

I’m not single but my full group of friends who are in relationships have good relationships but I wasn’t envious of any of them when I was single. That’s strange emotion to have over someone else’s relationship

Use122562 · 15/03/2025 07:39

Well I know at least 3 marriages which look perfect from the outside but the husbands are controlling, narcissistic assholes. Our marriage probably looks like one of those that people envy but it's all bit of a slog. DH is faithful, not abusive but loves his work and out of the house for many hours. I've essentially been a married solo parent for years. I'm envious of couples who get to spend time together or have the work flexibility to share childcare.

The question is also if you admire a marriage for the man's capacity to stay with a less than conventionally beautiful woman, or if you admire it because both partners are gorgeous/wealthy and you want to have those qualities yourself.

Aposterhasnoname · 15/03/2025 07:41

Dumpy little thing?

Yeah, I can see why you’re single.

Zenana · 15/03/2025 07:43

Only one, but he died and my friend was bereft, still is after five years. They met at school. They were a real team.

XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 15/03/2025 07:46

I'm not envious of anyone's relationship. It's not particularly healthy to think like that.

On the other hand. I'm envious of the cat, who has no cares in the world other than will she get fed when she irritates her slave, finds happiness is racing around the flat playing with a rug, and can then spend the snoozing on the bed in the sun. Now that is a life to be envious of!

Bluekios · 15/03/2025 07:48

I have a normal loving relationship with my husband. I have a close group of female friends and we tend to sound off about any issues we are having in a WhatsApp group. I stay very quiet about my husband because the others are constantly telling me things their partners have done that are just completely unacceptable- if my husband did them I’d be completely shocked and I absolutely wouldn’t put up with them. I’ve wracked my brains to think of things they maybe wouldn’t accept from my husband but have concluded I’m one of the lucky ones.

Westfacing · 15/03/2025 07:48

Just one - my friend of 50 years has been married for around 45 years to a great guy. He's been a solid all-round good egg with an easy-going nature so I envy her wise choice all those years ago!

At my age, 70, some of my friends and associates are widowed and a few of them had what seemed liked good relationships. And a few friends are just stuck with an old curmudgeon.

Lemon1111 · 15/03/2025 07:48

Dumpy little thing.. glad I’m not your friend

Bonjovispyjamas · 15/03/2025 07:51

None, I love being single.

Sharptonguedwoman · 15/03/2025 07:57

TheAmusedQuail · 14/03/2025 23:21

I've known of 2 couples over the years that I've known and thought, that is what a relationship should be.

The first was a couple who were having a baby together in their 40s. They'd both been divorced, but had found each other, and were blissfully happy. He died the year after, but... for that moment in time, I was envious of their relationship.

The second is a married couple that I worked with. They are genuinely happily married. She's a dumpy little thing and he honestly feels she is gorgeous and very clever. He's geeky but she totally respects and fancies him. I've known them for over 10 years and have never seen anything to dissuade me about how good their relationship is.

However, these are literally the only 2 couples where I've thought, that is a really good relationship. I'm sure most of the people I know who are married are happy together, but I see those relationships and would hate to be in them.

So YABU - there are plenty of enviable LTR around.
YANBU - most LTR are not worth having.

I do know lots of very happy couples who have been married a long time. I'm not sure what the magic is. Love, obviously, tolerance, joint hobbies for some, but these people like and respect each other.
Someone to go out for meals together, to the theatre or whatever, to enjoy the same things and laugh about experiences. These couples do that and I'd like to do the same, with a future as secure as it can be,

JoyousEagle · 15/03/2025 07:58

You rarely really know what’s going on in a relationship. The relationship you admire may be abusive. The one where you think “hmm I wouldn’t want that” may be blissfully happy (you may still not want it, but it may not be a “bad” relationship).

Pickledpoppetpickle · 15/03/2025 07:59

acquiescence · 14/03/2025 23:45

A ‘dumpy little thing’?

Was going to say the same.

EatingHealthy · 15/03/2025 08:05

Use122562 · 15/03/2025 07:39

Well I know at least 3 marriages which look perfect from the outside but the husbands are controlling, narcissistic assholes. Our marriage probably looks like one of those that people envy but it's all bit of a slog. DH is faithful, not abusive but loves his work and out of the house for many hours. I've essentially been a married solo parent for years. I'm envious of couples who get to spend time together or have the work flexibility to share childcare.

The question is also if you admire a marriage for the man's capacity to stay with a less than conventionally beautiful woman, or if you admire it because both partners are gorgeous/wealthy and you want to have those qualities yourself.

Clearly the relationships don't look perfect from the outside if you think their husbands are controlling, narcissistic arseholes.

I think people overestimate how enviable their relationships appear to others. You might be surprised to know what people really think of your relationship.

PoppyBaxter · 15/03/2025 08:06

Noone would know what our relationship is like, because we don't share about it on social media. And we're very private so don't discuss any issues we might be having with friends. We've got a great relationship, but other than the fact we always hold hands when we're out and about, I don't think there's much to go on.

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