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Original poster

Should we always be kind?

95 replies

Goatinthegarden · 14/03/2025 16:09

I got on a bus home today. I hardly ever take the bus, but I have an injured knee and had a massive backpack with me.

The bus was busy, people were standing downstairs, I went upstairs and there was one seat, right at the front, next to a woman. She was sat on her seat and a portion of the seat next to her. She had a backpack and a small canvas shopping bag on the seat too. She had huge headphones on, so I leant forward and asked politely if I could sit in the seat.

She made huge sighs, but moved the bags aggressively, she muttered ‘fuck sake’ a couple of times. I sat gingerly on the edge of the seat she had freed up, with my massive bag on my knee and tried to think charitable thoughts. Maybe she’s had some terrible news, maybe she has social challenges and can’t cope with someone next to her, maybe she has a medical condition that causes her pain if she moves. Then I thought, maybe I should just stand, I have a sore knee, but it’s not unmanageable - I could stand.

She continued to huff and mutter. The more she did so, the more my charitable thoughts faded and the more I considered confronting her. I’m no shrinking violet, but I bit my tongue because I’d hate to be unkind to someone. But FFS, she was being really unpleasant to me!

So, should we always be kind and tolerant or other people’s needs, or should we call out bad behaviour? What would you have done?

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 14/03/2025 16:12

Not sure how biting your tongue is being kind. I might have said ‘is there a problem’? I mean what could she say?

WrylyAmused · 14/03/2025 16:12

In that situation, neither. She has one seat, she doesn't need a second for her bags. You got the seat you needed.

I would neither over-think about her possible mitigating reasons, nor confront her. I'd probably just ignore her.

WhenSunnyGetsBlue · 14/03/2025 16:23

Respectful, yes. Kind, not necessarily. Tolerant, depends on the situation. Basically, my philosophy is don't be a dick.

WhenSunnyGetsBlue · 14/03/2025 16:24

She was being a dick. I wouldnt judge her too harshly though. You never know what is happening in someone's life, you may have caught her on a particularly bad day.

FurzeNotGorse · 14/03/2025 16:25

‘Kind’ wasn’t required in this situation, so not clear why you’re asking.

Original poster
Goatinthegarden · 14/03/2025 16:27

mondaytosunday · 14/03/2025 16:12

Not sure how biting your tongue is being kind. I might have said ‘is there a problem’? I mean what could she say?

Well, I thought about that, but then I thought if she was having a shit moment, it might send her over the edge if I asked if she had a problem.

Thats why I was torn, I felt she was so aggressive in her huffs, that I should have called her out…but then really what difference would it have made?

But now I’m also a bit irritated that I said nothing.

I don’t normally overthink things, I just feel like I should be tolerant of the needs of others, but then wondered if that was making me a bit of a pushover.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goatinthegarden · 14/03/2025 16:29

FurzeNotGorse · 14/03/2025 16:25

‘Kind’ wasn’t required in this situation, so not clear why you’re asking.

Well, maybe kind isn’t the right word, but I meant because I took the rudeness and didn’t call her out when I really wanted to.

OP posts:
YesImawitch · 14/03/2025 16:31

Being kind doesn't mean putting yourself last Op
This is my absolute bugbear
Selfish people who would rather others had to stand rather than move their bloody bag!
I ask if anyone is sitting there, they can hardly say yes
My favourite was a man who had a pie and a loaf of bread on the seat.
I asked if anyone was sitting there and he just stared at me so I went to sit down and he moved them pronto!

And to all the blah blah might be immunocompromised etc people
Get a taxi/ Uber then
It's PUBLIC transport

Maitri108 · 14/03/2025 16:34

I would have asked her to shove up further and ignored the huffing and puffing. I tend not to confront people as they could be nutters.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 14/03/2025 16:35

I just ignore people like that it's their issue. Don't make it yours.

Be kind? What exactly is that, is it a kindness to not point out someone is being a dick?- does the reason matter. I think a good rule of thumb is what is the cost to me in being kind, is it proportionate to the situation. Someone wants to borrow something but I also need it, being kind would be lending it to them but the cost to me would be excessive so I'm not being unkind by refusing.

StrugglingWithThisPuppyLife · 14/03/2025 16:39

Many of us can have had a bad day or bad news and still not be a dick like this person was to the OP. What did she even think muttering that would achieve?
So I think it's fine to judge her.

OP I would have really wanted to say something but actually would have been too worried about a confrontation or some plonker filming to have done it

PollyCreo · 14/03/2025 16:53

OP I'm usually kind and the same as you, always think that someone else could be having a bad day, be in pain or just had some bad news. I'm tolerant of motorists who are distracted as you don't know what's going on in that car (unless they're using a phone). However last year, due to having a chemo-induced menopause I discovered a rage within me that I didn't know existed 😳 One memorable incident - I was walking along a narrow pavement just wide enough for two people, there was a couple walking towards me and I realised as they approached me they weren't going to drop to single file to allow me to get past safely. I braced myself and kind of raised my arm so my elbow connected with the guy's collarbone, I heard an audible 'Oooft' as I nearly knocked him off his feet.

I may have looked feeble but my God, that prick felt my rage that day 😡

ThejoyofNC · 14/03/2025 16:55

She was an arsehole and I'd have had no problem telling her so. I'd see it as a kindness to let her know.

Didimum · 14/03/2025 16:59

Not sure what this has got to do with being kind. You can ask if there is a problem without being unkind.

StrugglingWithThisPuppyLife · 14/03/2025 17:04

ThejoyofNC · 14/03/2025 16:55

She was an arsehole and I'd have had no problem telling her so. I'd see it as a kindness to let her know.

I like this Grin

ohyesido · 14/03/2025 17:05

She sounds like a rude peevish person who is best ignored. There was no need for that fuss and in your shoes, I’d have given her a raised eyebrow and nothing more

RawBloomers · 14/03/2025 17:08

I don’t think confronting her in that situation is a great idea. Not for her sake, it doesn’t really matter if she’s having a bad day or not, if it’s bad it’s bad, being confronted about being rude isn’t going to make it worse, just give her something to redirect her anger on to. But she obviously isn’t following social conventions so it’s a volatile situation and who knows how she would respond. It might make you feel worse or alarm other passengers who haven’t been the least bit rude to you.

it’s generally wise to try to avoid giving offense or taking it. Letting that sort of muttering go but staying in your seat as though you’re happy as Larry is by far the best way to handle that sort of situation if you’re able to.

Ddakji · 14/03/2025 17:10

She might have been having a bad day.
She might just be a cow.

I wouldn’t give it another thought, OP. Public transport is always a trial!

Mrsgus · 14/03/2025 22:11

I would have budged her over into her 'space' and then made converstaion by rattling off my (fake) life story of how my ex was a serial killer and I've just ran away from the local nuthouse and could she hide me!! 🤣

Casperroonie · 14/03/2025 22:23

Goatinthegarden · 14/03/2025 16:09

I got on a bus home today. I hardly ever take the bus, but I have an injured knee and had a massive backpack with me.

The bus was busy, people were standing downstairs, I went upstairs and there was one seat, right at the front, next to a woman. She was sat on her seat and a portion of the seat next to her. She had a backpack and a small canvas shopping bag on the seat too. She had huge headphones on, so I leant forward and asked politely if I could sit in the seat.

She made huge sighs, but moved the bags aggressively, she muttered ‘fuck sake’ a couple of times. I sat gingerly on the edge of the seat she had freed up, with my massive bag on my knee and tried to think charitable thoughts. Maybe she’s had some terrible news, maybe she has social challenges and can’t cope with someone next to her, maybe she has a medical condition that causes her pain if she moves. Then I thought, maybe I should just stand, I have a sore knee, but it’s not unmanageable - I could stand.

She continued to huff and mutter. The more she did so, the more my charitable thoughts faded and the more I considered confronting her. I’m no shrinking violet, but I bit my tongue because I’d hate to be unkind to someone. But FFS, she was being really unpleasant to me!

So, should we always be kind and tolerant or other people’s needs, or should we call out bad behaviour? What would you have done?

Maybe she was having a bad day..... but so what. It still doesn't excuse rudeness.

emziecy · 14/03/2025 22:24

I don't really understand why you're wasting head space on this tbh. Lots of people are arseholes. Let them be arseholes and go about your life not being an arsehole 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pussycat22 · 14/03/2025 22:28

No. Some people deserve a tongue lashing.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 14/03/2025 22:41

Something similar happened to me on public transport once, also a woman. I just ignored it. You never know if someone has a knife or something, or is just a complete loony who might punch you. Absolutely best not to engage. And whatever their terrible problem is with letting someone else have a seat that they have a perfect right to, it's not about you but is everything to do with them, so you wouldn't win anyway. Engaging with public crazies is a losing game.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 14/03/2025 22:42

Mrsgus · 14/03/2025 22:11

I would have budged her over into her 'space' and then made converstaion by rattling off my (fake) life story of how my ex was a serial killer and I've just ran away from the local nuthouse and could she hide me!! 🤣

LMAO!!!

meganorks · 14/03/2025 22:43

I wouldn't have said anything. Mostly because I avoid confrontation like the plague. But also, what good will come of it? No one ever reacted well to being confronted. She's clearly an arsehole. She doesn't deserve any charitible thoughts. However bad her day/life has been, she knows her bags don't need a seat and other people do. She just didn't want anyone to sit by her.