Should we always be kind?

[Goatinthegarden]

I got on a bus home today. I hardly ever take the bus, but I have an injured knee and had a massive backpack with me.

The bus was busy, people were standing downstairs, I went upstairs and there was one seat, right at the front, next to a woman. She was sat on her seat and a portion of the seat next to her. She had a backpack and a small canvas shopping bag on the seat too. She had huge headphones on, so I leant forward and asked politely if I could sit in the seat.

She made huge sighs, but moved the bags aggressively, she muttered ‘fuck sake’ a couple of times. I sat gingerly on the edge of the seat she had freed up, with my massive bag on my knee and tried to think charitable thoughts. Maybe she’s had some terrible news, maybe she has social challenges and can’t cope with someone next to her, maybe she has a medical condition that causes her pain if she moves. Then I thought, maybe I should just stand, I have a sore knee, but it’s not unmanageable - I could stand.

She continued to huff and mutter. The more she did so, the more my charitable thoughts faded and the more I considered confronting her. I’m no shrinking violet, but I bit my tongue because I’d hate to be unkind to someone. But FFS, she was being really unpleasant to me!

So, should we always be kind and tolerant or other people’s needs, or should we call out bad behaviour? What would you have done?

I don't agree with this. Yes, lots of people are arseholes but you don't have to just roll over and accept it. Bullies thrive because no one challenges them on their shitty behaviour and they continue.

You had what you needed from her (the seat) and she wasn't verbally abusing you, being physically aggressive or doing anything else you weren't fully capable of ignoring.

Refraining from lecturing strangers about how graciously they meet our needs is not kindness or tolerance, it's just an awareness that no one is going to be receptive to an unsolicited manners lecture from random strangers and escalating everything into a confrontation improves absolutely nothing - the person who responded to a polite request with that attitude wasn't going to suddenly be nicer to you because you snapped back.

Kindness should be reserved for those who deserve it.

This woman didn’t deserve kindness. Tolerance, sufferance maybe. But even in the kindest possible interpretation of her behavior she was being pretty unreasonable.

Kindness doesn’t have to be dispensed without limits. Why do you think you should disadvantage yourself for this highly unreasonable person?

That's disgusting of you, you can't use unmanaged menopause as an excuse to assault people in the street. What a world it would be if fit and healthy people went around elbowing people and smacking people out of the way because of their hormones, you're lucky he was a reasonable man or you could have been in hospital.

Her huffing and puffing is just passive aggression. I don't rise to stuff like that, because sometimes that is what they want you to do.
Rising to it gets you nowhere, apart from conflict.

Huffing and puffing is not bullying.

I always thought "Be Kind", applied to situations where one or more of the following applied;

• It's easy for you to be nice, and costs you little, but would be nice for someone else.

• Someone is clearly struggling and needs help.

• The benefit of you doing something, vastly outweighs the cost to yourself.

Generally, you should "Be Kind", to those who are generally nice or neutral, or potentially those having some sort of breakdown, who might be acting badly because of the acute stress they're under.

It never occurred to me that it also covered arseholes 🤷‍♀️ I could be wrong though.

She didn’t assault anyone. He walked into her elbow.

I did similar once. Busy main road and pavement only wide enough for two people. A couple were walking towards me. She had a buggy. I moved to the side nearest the road so she didn’t have to move. But he clearly wasn’t going to drop back behind her. He just walked at me. So I stood still and braced my shoulder and put my bag in front of me. He walked straight into me and yelled in pain at the impact. I was a stationary object. I did not assault him. I also did not fancy walking into a busy 40mph road so he didn’t have to drop back.

In this situation I ask sweetly ‘Is your bag disabled? Because I am, and I’d like to sit down please.’

Of course it is.

You wanted to sit there. She didn’t want you to sit there.

That’s literally all there is to it. No navel gazing required.

Look, it's not about "do or don't" call out bad behaviour. You know the answer is "do". The question, and it's a societal question, is: how do you call it out in a kind and respectful way?

I would have, in this scenario, turned to her and said, "You sound uncomfortable. Do you need some extra room?" With a friendly smile. Which would have generated your answer: they'd have either voiced any discomfort and your respect was warranted, or they mumble "No" and shut up. Or, go full ham and cuss you out, in which case it was a lost cause anyway. 😅🙏

I was going through chemotherapy at the time, (mentioned) no idea what you mean by "unmanaged" menopause? I wasn't fit and healthy at the time, I was immunocompromised and didn't want anyone near me. That aside, it's not acceptable for a man to shove a woman into the road.

Negative behaviour can never be fought with negative behaviour.

Swamp 'em with kindness or let them wallow alone.

I love what my friend did. I don't know what the female equivalent of 'balls of steel's is, but she has them!
She got onto a crowded bus and saw someone sat alone, but with their bags on the seat next to them. She politely asked the lady to move her bags so she could sit down. The lady refused and said "I don't want your fat ass next to me" (so rude anyway, although my friend is very large).
So... my friend just sat on her bags. I thought it was brilliant.

You don’t need to judge shit behaviour but you do need to call it out.

It really isn't.

are you a bully IRL? Just an impression I get 😉

Not at all. I have been bullied a lot though.... even as an adult.
People huff and puff in frustration. It is a problem they have with the situation. They will do it alone too.

If the person doesn’t seem scary, you could smile and thank them loudly. “Thank you sooo much for letting me sit down, my knee was killing me!”.

Rather than the somewhat aggressive 'do you have a problem?', I find 'sorry, did you say something? can I help you?' far more effective. Defuses the situation and shuts them up. But I sadly had to learn quite young how to stand up to bullies.

Thank you. He had the option of moving out of your way but didn't.

When a small DC was running riot in our community centre - chucking stuff, etc- and its DM was ignoring it I was kind.

About 30 times. DC paid no attention.

I seized it and carried the flailing, screeching, smelly back to mummy who whined ‘let the children play.’

We both know it’s not a play area. Inner psycho unleashed.

‘Don’t shout’ she whined, delighted she thought she’d got the upper ground. I wasn’t, and got the point through with the help of 2 other mums. Small DC taken away (again) to kick all the signs over.

When they eventually left I noticed she was pregnant, which was sad.

Kind got us men in women’s sport, prisons, hospital wards, toilets. Fuck being kind.

Due to current personal circumstances I am currently managing a volcanic amount of rage.

I am so desperate for people to not come anywhere near me because I am
worried I will explode and because I am so angry it gives me a weird sense of entitlement to control others behaviour “so I don’t hurt them”

However, if I behaved like a twat on public transport I would fully expect someone to call me out on it. Maybe she is being a twat because it’s worked before, but it is my responsibility to manage my anger and not put it on others.