To have ditched twat DH at the airport and gone on holiday without him?

[AskingForTacos]

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

Yanbu. Of course not.

Reading your other posts about how he behaves with service staff, there are clearly far wider issues than just this once instance.

In your shoes now I think I would slap a smile on and absolutely refuse to argue or bicker with him, or even discuss it, whilst on holiday. I'd tell him you want to enjoy it, want to give the dc lovely memories and for them to have a great time and you want to call a truce and discuss it when home.

When home I'd be instigating a serious discussion though (when both calm, dc not there). But I'd be talking about his attitude and behaviour in general, the airport drama being the final straw and clearly laying out how disgusting, rude, disrespectful and mortifying you find his behaviour. And I'd be saying that I could NOT spend the rest of my life on edge, waiting for the next time he blows up at someone and makes an absolute fool out of you both and that you're seriously considering leaving him.

If your relationship is otherwise good and he's not a total knob then hopefully he'll take it seriously and be horrified/upset and willing to work on his behaviour.

If he won't listen to you, tries to shout you down or tell you how wrong you are and doesn't count the fact you're considering leaving him as number one priority - well, there are even wider issues than 'just' the service behaviour thing and then you should definitely leave him.

My dad was like that OP and I lived in a constant state of heightened anxiety.

I think you should use the time now to really reflect on your relationship and when he arrives and hopefully chills over a day or two have some conversations about how you want to live your life.

Perfect answer. Please OP send him this message. If he can’t arrive with a smile and an apology then tell him not to come.

He sounds like a misogynistic arsehole who has a sense of total entitlement and enjoys bullying people he thinks are inferior to him. I could never live with or love a man like that. I don’t understand how anyone could.

I’m now really grateful that my mum took me out of school for a few holidays, as I didn’t want to do a post graduate and if she hadn’t taken me out then I would have been forced to use my first in my bachelors degree to get a masters, that would cost me thousands, and would have not enhanced my employment prospects as I was already getting paid £100k by the time I turned 35, and out earn colleagues who do have a masters.

OP, well done for sparing your children that burden!

Any update op? I hope you manage to have a great holiday even if your dh makes it.

This

I was really happy reading your post until I got to the part about him joining you all… Do you really want this pig of a man in your life going forwards? I hope you do have a lovely holiday btw 🏖️

@AskingForTacos are you ok?
Wondering if your dh has actually managed to find a flight and how he was when arrived. Hopefully still not utterly angry at you somehow…..

Apart from the abuse to staff I would be really angry that he was selfish enough to try ruin yours and DC long anticipated holiday. He sounds like a prick on all fronts. I hope you’re enjoying your holiday!

I'm not in favour of fining parents for taking their children out of school for a few days but please, let's not kid ourselves of all those worthy advantages of going on a holiday in the sun! Maybe if they're doing a trek in the High Atlas with no local guide etc. but the vast majority of us want to lie by the pool or the sea, it's not an extension of the OU!

Your child is not going to remember the skirting boards. They will remember their father making a scene about skirting boards and not treating staff well, and they will remember their own anxiety, fear and embarrassment for his behaviour.

What message do you want to give your kids? That it’s ok to emotionally and verbally abuse people? Or that you don’t accept shit from those who bully and abuse you? I hope you have the curouge to be a role model for your kids and tell him enough is enough. (And that probably means sending him packing, not just from this holiday but your life).

Your husband sounds like an almighty wanker.

Enjoy your holiday.

Best to try and put it all behind you and have a nice family holiday. Some people find travelling very stressful. He’s behaved very badly, being abusive is just not on especially in front of his 11 year old daughter. I think he should apologise to you and your daughter and you should all get on with having the holiday you all badly need and to try to put behind you what happened at the airport. He won’t stuff his case next time, lesson learned.

Enjoy your much needed holiday.

He will ruin your holiday no matter what, Id be dreading him arriving. This is much bigger than abusing service staff - although that is one of the top red flag behaviours of abusers.

If he flies out he may well find the return flight booked with yours has already been cancelled. You could probably do better without him on your holiday or afterwards.

Tell him not to bother coming out to join you. It will give you and DC a happier, less stressful holiday, and give you time to consider whether you want to stay with such a man He sounds like a bully.

He sounds like a fun sponge.

can’t just enjoy an experience has to make everyone suffer.

is this what you want your kids growing up remembering from family holidays or visits out? Could you imagine adult them cringing that dad/stepdad threw a wobbly because his McDonald’s burger was short a gherkin?

your parents couldn’t help your SEND siblings and the stress caused by routine changes (but if I was your mum I’d have made damn sure you’d have gone on school trips away to make up for it. Not the same but something)
and it obviously stings that holidays weren’t great or a thing and your needs were secondary.
but you can help your DH being like this. He’s making your and your kids needs secondary just so he can be a whiny little bitch about nothing.

this would probably be the end of the relationship if this was me. I couldn’t ‘grab life by the reins’ with someone who would be such an utter pillock to be abusive to staff he wasn’t allowed to travel and expected you to sacrifice for him.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband after the holiday OP. My DH stepdad is a good man and he has never laid a hand on my DMIL but he used to get snippy in certain situations. My DMIL gave him two options stop getting snippy or he would find his things in black bags as she didn’t want her son raised in that environment. FIL dealt with his issues, stopped getting snippy and they have now been together for 36 years. Your children deserve better than to always be worried that your husband will fly off the handle and if he cannot see that then you need to leave for them.

Well done OP both in taking the flight and your responses to some of the posters here. American so this penalty for missing school is foreign to me but travel in and of itself is education. Reset yourself and enjoy this holiday. When H arrives draw the line…no more bitching moaning or discussing. His treatment of others and his always trying to get a freebie is a very annoying/ worrisome trait. You are strong op just keep and eye on this behavior because I found it eventually applied to me and dc with shitty exDH. I hate it when people are always trying to get “it” for free. That said dc and I left DH once in airport when we had tsa precheck and he didn’t and I even sent dd back to get car keys from him standing alone in the line of 1000s trying to get thru tsa security for the very same…we can’t all miss our flight. Sunshine and sand ☀️ are very restorative

Serious question OP, why are you with this man?

Well done for being so brave and going ahead without him 👏🏻 your husband sounds like a d*ck to be honest

He's attempting a deflection from his dreadful behaviour at the airport to shifting the blame to you for, very reasonably, leaving without him.

You have done nothing wrong. Do not allow him to put any blame onto you. Zero tolerance. He has embarrassed both you and himself. He has impacted your holiday. He started this and he can finish it with an apology. Pre warn him if he isn't going arrive tomorrow with an apology not to bother coming at all, or to get himself another room as you are in no mood to share one with him.

If you can, meet up with him on arrival in the hotel lobby without your dd and talk it through then, and tell the hotel not to issue him with a key to your room until you approve.

No Touch's last sentence sounds very good advice! Hope it goes well for you

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