To have ditched twat DH at the airport and gone on holiday without him?

[AskingForTacos]

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

It's bizarre - he created this avoidable scene, was vile to a young woman, had to be escorted away/declined for flying and somehow instead of you being furious and him utterly ashamed and contrite the man has found a way to be angry at you? And you're worried/on edge about his reaction.

OP that really isn't normal, any of it. Enjoy your holiday, but please have a think about whether this man is right for you.

You might want to let him know that this whole incident has thrown into very sharp focus that he has form for this type of abusive behaviour and if you see one more iota of it on the holiday he's going to wish he'd stayed home.

This

You did the right thing. When he gets to where you are, I would tell him that from now on if he starts making unreasonable demands of service staff, not only will you not back him up, but you are going to walk away. Then follow through on this. You've done it once, you can do it again. "Come on kids, Dad's making a scene so we'll go and find somewhere quiet to enjoy ourselves". Even better if he ends up stranded cos you've taken the car. Maybe after you show him that kicking off only spoils his day, he'll change his ways.

Why don't you raise your bar OP and dump him?
What are you teaching your children by going along with his behaviour? That they sold accept it.

Should

I havent read all the thread but just wanted to say I hope you've had the best night and do not let him ruin the holiday if and when he turns up with the face on.

Well done for going without him. I would have done the same.

Back him up for what? They have bag rules and he tried to break them by buying an extender the tight git. You could have both stood there and argued for hours but it would have made absolutely no difference. Calling a young woman a bitch is a disgrace too.

He is embarrassing. You're going to have to stick up for yourself and what's right every single time in the moment. Exhausting.

just hearing him losing his temper with someone who he knows has to agree with him for fear of reprisal is a massive control - he gets off on it. He's doing it yo you as well, because he knows you ignore him but it costs you. He's doing it to your kids, because he is dad. Bigger. And in charge.

This is turning point for you and him. He will be furious you have left him to it. He will need to prove he can exercise control and you already know what's coming.. he will pick on someone you like.

I hope he doesn't turn up tbh. His sole purpose will be to punish you for leaving him at the airport.

I would be tempted to say ' not interested in arguing, either apologise and enjoy the holiday. If you can't do that, we are always going to argue about it. Let's not drag out the decline of our marriage, let's avoid the next years of misery and go straight for separation.

Right. Now we are both happy. And the kids. No- no arguing. Pointless as not with you and I don't have to listen.

OP it's poor consolation to be right if you and your children end up having a shit holiday. DP is embarrassed and has lost face. Let him vent, sympathise ... do all you can to encourage him to put this behind him so you can all have a dreamed-about holiday.

I stress this is not about putting yourself down or apologising when you have nothing to apologise for. But he's your partner and the father of your child. He acted like a dick - it doesn't make him a bad person forever. In your shoes, I would do what I could to find common ground.

Hope you enjoy what sounds like a much-needed holiday.

Well done OP!

He's a bully to people he perceives as beneath him, but he is also a bully to you - just look at how you've internalised the walking on eggshells, knowing and dreading that he's going to kick off about something, anything, and make it all about Him and His Drama.

Why do some people become arseholes at airports?

You were right to continue on when you did. It’s not acceptable for your children to witness him being abusive to staff. Tell him that, end of. Enjoy your hols OP.

OP my Dh did this at Heathrow. Huge scene. We were taking DS to visit his gran overseas as usual.

He refused to let me weigh his very overstuffed suitcase before we left. At check in they said it was overweight:

he went ballistic - horribly verbally abusive (vile) to the woman at the counter. Opened up suitcase throwing stuff around. Holds up queue. Ds scared.

but this part of a pattern of other horrible stuff.

we are now divorced.

hope your holiday is good.

Well done for going without him. What a dick !

Oh good, we have a new contender for Overdramatic Poster of the Thread in Hannah2024.

Good luck today, OP.

I can't bear people who treat staff like shit. He sounds like he gets his kicks from it. I'd struggle to stay with him for that behaviour and you expecting to "support him" when you're embarrassed and ashamed by his behaviour. How can you stay with someone like this, it's not good for the DC to see this going on.

Divorce the twat. For the happiness of yourself and your dc, let him ruining your very first holiday abroad be the wake-up call you needed.

I doubt you can salvage this holiday. He is ruining it from another country, and soon he will be there to flush all the joy out of your lives in person. Just as he has on countless other occasions.

He's a vampire and he's draining away the ability of your dc to become happy people who try to find joy in life. Imagine your ds picking up his Dad's delight in finding fault and laying blame.

Everyone makes mistakes. You made one by getting together with this guy. You can fix it though, so that your next holiday, even if it's in a tent with your dc in a soggy British field, will be happy and stress-free, because the 3 of you will be looking for the best.

Are you sure he can get back? If your return flights are with Ryan then him might be already on a blackilist and refused transit home.

Is he there yet ?

Hannah, what on earth are you on about? 😆
That's what Red Guard of mumsnet wishes for the UK. 😵‍💫🥴
Not all of us are in the UK!
Most posters on this thread haven't said a peep about missed school (apart from 1), and are being supportive of OP.

You'd think someone who places such a high value on education would bother to proofread their comments before posting.

Your daughter will be fine if she misses a week of school.

Your daughter will NOT be fine if you continue to allow her to be exposed to your scummy husband's vile behaviour.

I like you OP. Some posters here are very hung up on academics and are very rigid thinkers!
As both a teacher and an academic I can say hand on heart that the most engaging, balanced and clear-thinking students are those with life experiences and a sense of perspective. Not the anxious hot-housed ones whose confidence and self- esteem hinge on their latest grade.

I hope you and your DD continue to have an excellent holiday and don’t put up with any crap from the other half.

I would write him a message asking:
Did he not see how devastated DD was?
Has he thought about the fact this is your FIRST sunny holiday ever?
That You had a really tough childhood & he kicks off over his luggage that he would have known was a piss take.
4 rebooked flights instead of 1 is a financial joke.
He made a fool of himself all on his little ownsome.
Assume, apologise & don't kick off when he gets there,
You have been embarrassed enough,
You do not stand behind someone who abuses staff because of their own greed