Emotional support - do we expect too much of men?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

I've read a lot of threads all across the internet where women complain that their male partners are emotionally detached, emotionally withdrawn and generally unable to provide emotional support. The typical male response to female distress is to try to "fix" and offer logical suggestions. For a lot of men, empathy is not their strong point.

Would it be a better idea for most women in this situation to stop looking to a husband for emotional support, which so many men are not good at providing?

If a man is genuinely a 'good man' (i.e. honest, basically kind, not lazy or selfish, takes responsibility, etc. etc.), then why leave him just because he is not also your emotional support?

It is nice if a husband is also your best friend - but is that a requirement of a relationship?

The question is: Do we sometimes expect too much of husbands on the emotional side, generally speaking?

[NC for this thread, as I'd like a general discussion on the topic; not one focused on my specific situation]

All I'm saying is that just as women are told all sorts of contradictory things about how they should be in relationships... so are men. And we find it just as difficult to navigate as many women do.

Agree @HowardTJMoon
All part of the patriarch women have been trying to change. But many men seem very keen on keeping because it’s giving them major advantages too, despite those negative sides.

Are you saying that you can’t be confident if you’re also emotionally intelligent??

I meant like in that alpha manly sleazy way. And I’m just talking of my experiences.

If your husband isn't your emotional support, you're in the wrong relationship.

It’s fine that you want that, and there are plenty of people who can provide it.

But for people like me, having a partner that just needed me to sit and listen and say ‘Aw, it’s OK’ , (rather than actually trying to fix anything or rationalise it) whenever they were upset would be hellish. I’d find that really draining and stressful and it’s just not what I’m good at. I’m a woman, so that isn’t just a male thing either. In fact, in most of my previous relationships, the man has been the one who wanted the kind of support that you want and I’ve been the one who couldn’t really offer it.

We’re all different and sometimes people just aren’t compatible.

Interesting question.

I find dh is quite emotionally supportive.

i suppose it depends on what you’re looking for. I grew up in a house where there was no end of hand wringing and navel gazing. Dh is quite a practical person, very calm, very resourceful.

Sometimes that’s what you need. .

Who do you expect to give a cuddle to that poster apart from her DP? 😵‍💫😵‍💫
Because I genuinely don’t know many people who’d be happy to do that, incl very close life long female friends.

Well I don’t mother my husband. I’m also a ‘fixer’, and my husband has said to me, ‘I really appreciate how practical you are, but sometimes I just want a bit of tea and sympathy’. I wasn’t offended, I found it useful. I guess we just communicate well to each other and that’s why we have a great relationship. Neither of us are psychic, and don’t pretend to be.

Well, that would perhaps be fine if they didn't expect emotional support from us. But they do, by God they do....🙄

Yes what a load of bollocks. It’s like saying women can’t be pretty and clever. My husband’s confidence is what attracted me to him. His emotional intelligence and how he’s not afraid to show his feeling is what made him my husband.

I think it’s difficult to have any kind of relationship (friendship, partnership, other) with a person who isn’t able to employ empathy and show a degree of sensitivity to the other person’s emotional needs. Let alone a deeply intimate one.

I don’t think people ask too much of men; I think they expect too little.

My partner is very empathetic and has a great degree of emotional intelligence, so perhaps my perspective is biased. They are out there though.

Interesting.

I am very empathetic, but I do have a point where I go into fix it mode, because sometimes that is what is needed.

My husband is autistic and I am not. We have very different ways of communicating that we have to work with. I can call my mum and be upset about something that sounds trivial and she will get right to the bottom of what is going on within minutes. My husband couldn't do it.

He is emotionally supportive, but I do need to be very clear about how I am feeling and he might need guidance on what I actually need- just a rant, advice, validation etc. I can have very strong emotions and it can take him a while to process things, that can often lead me to feeling frustrated.

It has been tough at times, but he genuinely cares about how I am feeling. We both just have to work harder.

I also make sure I have other people to go to, as one person can never be your everything.

Came across the idea (that was a parent talking about a child but I think it holds for adult to adult conversations) that one should ask what the other wants.

Aka ‘would you like a rant or do you want me to help?’

It’s a very good question I think.
The person still needs to be able to listen with empathy. Or at the very least to actively ,listen.

I've just binned of my on and off again bf now. Why. He's been with his dad since Thursday hasn't been to c me over weekend and apparently on the day he was supposed to c me (today) as kids at their dads He's had a random drive ti Wales. Hmm more like he's been binging on cocaone since Thursday and is doing so today. I get nothing no emotional support I'm poorly my eyes hurt but he cares more about his dad. Cba with it. Think I'm off to find a fwb and just be kind to myself. Get under to get over it's what I need!

And I don't do drugs. At all. Can I be upfront and ask men about their bad habits. Or do they all lie. Sorry I'm fed up and no one tk talk to

I think the last thing you need is to go out and find another man. You need to do some work on yourself: such as why is your first thought after a breakup immediately towards getting another man? Why can you not have some time on your own with no man in your life? Why do you not think it’s okay to leave at the earliest signs that somebody isn’t right for you or after the first or second time they treat you poorly? Why have you agreed, multiple times, to be “on” again with somebody you clearly think is untrustworthy and a liar?

Until you’ve gotten yourself to a place where you aren’t just desperate for a man, any man, and have good enough self esteem to recognise that you don’t need to stay with somebody who isn’t treating you well, you’re just going to continue ending up with the dross - particularly since no decent men are going to be attracted to somebody whose opinion of men as a group is so low.

I don't notice I feel intense loneliness I want that person to connect emotionally as well as physically and want me for me. How do k work on self and dont say gym as I know I'm going tomorrow

I had a man who i wanted to save after split with husband. He 'rescued me ' from my unhappy marriage. He was homeless lodging places not driving in and out of work. Got his adhd meds sorted i blamed his adhd for his shitty behaviour and tbh the meds did help the anger but I have to give them gim or he wont take um. Sorted his pip taught him to drive he's written 2 cars of of mine paid for his lessons and tests. Paid for holidays. Now he has his pip he's bought a car and has a new test oh and got him a flat as can't live with him to stressful. Guess what he's done funked me of and ran of his with shitty dad and I've found out he's started using craxk. So I've found out the man I loved and I really like is a druggie doesn't care and only wants me when he has no money he wants me. Now I think I'm trauma bonded and I think get under to get over but not a relationship I dno my heads funked

I'm also highly educated have a very good job own my own home etx and I think the saving part was a way of deflecting feelings from marriage breakup

This smacks a bit of treating women as the default or correct type, and men as some defective version.

You of course can demand whatever you want from your partner.

But if a man were to say: “I don’t put up with women who waffle on about feelings when I need their help. If she doesn’t learn quickly to come with a three point plan, she’s out” I think you’d see the problem. Feels like the same in reverse.

I don’t think women are the default or correct type, because not all women are emotionally supportive either. I don’t like the stereotype of women constantly “waffling on about” their feelings because not all women do. Also, not all partnerships need to be emotionally supportive so there is no correct type of person: as you said, people are free to expect what they want from a partner. But the OP suggested “men” as a generic sweeping term for all men, and I think it’s condescending to suggest all men should be expected to be emotionally incapable. If OP had said all women are touchy feeley and want to “waffle” on about their feelings, I would have had a different opinion of that too.

I also just think it’s harder for men because society places different pressures and expectations on them compared to women. As I said, the more people of both sexes who role model being emotionally articulate, the more kids of both sexes will grow up knowing them don’t have to hide their feelings.

I read an article once. I was about the stereotype that men don't like to talk about emotions. In fact they recorded a whole bunch of audio from couples talking (why you would volunteer for this I have no idea). It found that men like to talk about their own emotions but just don't like to listen and talk about what their female partners are going through. It was related to an academic study, not just made up data.

I think emotional support is a basic requirement of a relationship, if it isn't being offered, that's absolutely grounds for not continuing that relationship.

I don't think there's any evidence men struggle with empathy more than women.

My wife is coping with elderly parents and it's very tough for her. As well as giving her practical support, here's how I give emotional support:

She comes back from a visit in which a parent has hectored, complained and shown no gratitude and barely even any acknowledgement of what my wife has done for them; they've made the same complaints repeatedly, asked repeated questions which are impossible to answer, in a fractious and querulous tone, driving my wife to tears.

When my wife comes home, she reenacts this scenario not to me, but at me: same questions, same tone, same repetition, so I suffer what she suffered.

This is what 'emotional support' looks like in practice.