Emotional support - do we expect too much of men?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

I've read a lot of threads all across the internet where women complain that their male partners are emotionally detached, emotionally withdrawn and generally unable to provide emotional support. The typical male response to female distress is to try to "fix" and offer logical suggestions. For a lot of men, empathy is not their strong point.

Would it be a better idea for most women in this situation to stop looking to a husband for emotional support, which so many men are not good at providing?

If a man is genuinely a 'good man' (i.e. honest, basically kind, not lazy or selfish, takes responsibility, etc. etc.), then why leave him just because he is not also your emotional support?

It is nice if a husband is also your best friend - but is that a requirement of a relationship?

The question is: Do we sometimes expect too much of husbands on the emotional side, generally speaking?

[NC for this thread, as I'd like a general discussion on the topic; not one focused on my specific situation]

I sometimes just wanna vent and not have the issue fixed. I then want a cuddle and expect them to know this and for them to say it's ok.

I work with mostly men having previously just worked with women. It’s really opened my eyes to how different they are. I understand it’s just a small sample in a particular sector but it’s been enlightening. They care a lot about what other men think, are so status driven and generally want to be the most important/ knowledgeable person in the room. They are civil and supportive of each other but everything has an undercurrent of banter and competitiveness. Empathy and emotions seem low on the list.

Very few people of either sex are the perfect emotionally supportive, highly skilled empaths. Most of us just muddle through trying to offer a mixed bag of sympathy, kindness and practical suggestions to those we care for. If your partner isn't even trying to do that, then it's a problem with his personality or a lack in his care for you rather than something that comes with being being male. If he (or she) is trying but getting it wrong, you need to balance that against other strengths and decide if you'd rather try to find someone more emotionally compatible, or get your support elsewhere.

I think it's important when you partner that you find someone who you can value for the skills/talents they do have rather than the ones they don't.

If you expect a lot of emotional support, getting into a relationship with someone who cannot provide that is clearly unrealistic in terms of expectations.

You have to value people for the skills they have, not be angry at the ones they don't.

I think the most important thing in a partnership is to be able to work as a team and fulfill the objectives of the team, which in family life is largely based around raising kids.

It’s like this at DPs work, but my male dominated workplace is full of emotionally articulate and compassionate men. The difference in our cases is definitely a “lads” culture at his workplace, whereas in mine it’s very acceptable to talk about your feelings. Again, I really feel social distancing expectations and environment play a massive part in this.

I’m a woman and naturally more of a “fixer” (which apparently makes me a man according to some here) but empathy and emotional support are skills I learned to be a better friend, partner, daughter, aunt, sibling etc.

If a man can’t be bothered to do that for his partner then I would rather not have him in my life.

I'm wondering how many of those saying that their men don't support them have actually had a discussion about what they expect and how many have dropped hints or expected the men just to know what to do.

On the other side,how much are we supposed to mother those men, tell them exactly what we need, how we need it etc… fur things that aren’t rocket science. Things like caring, listening or having a bit of empathy.

Have men ever been expected to explain at length how they feel supported etc…? Nope. Have women been expected to know how to be caring agd supportive? Yes.
So why not the other way around?

⬆️⬆️ YES!!
Those skills are not just about ‘being a good partner’.
Its about being a good parent, a good friend etc….

So having an adult conversation is now mothering?
These things may not be rocket science but how do you expect someone to know if you have never discussed it with them.

Mutual emotional support is for me the bare minimum for any friendship or relationship. If it's one sided, it would just be draining and relationship would be a net negative for my well-being.

It is nice if a husband is also your best friend - but is that a requirement of a relationship

Yes

It is nice if a husband is also your best friend - but is that a requirement of a relationship?

For me it certainly is.

Emotional maturity goes hand in hand with friendships. If guys can't hold on to friends and also can't have relationships that work out, then we have an issue as a society. That is what women are talking about.

Both my therapists have been men. And it’s women who have dismissed me not
men.

This is my question. If we are to accept that they won't support us emotionally, and we already work and financially support ourselves, then what's the point of a relationship with a man at all?

Men need to step up.

I do find that there’s a trade off, so the ones who have been the more emotionally intelligent have been a bit less manly/laddy/confident. I’m mid 40s and have known men like this all my life. More introspective
I have realised you can’t have it all in a person which is why I’m staying single and just meeting people depending on what I want at the time! Sometimes I want a confident man full of cheek and charisma and sometimes I want someone who really emotionally connects to me.

In my experience, men not only don’t provide emotional support but they actively make me feel worse for being upset about something in the first place. But still expect the support from me when they’re upset about something. Which is usually something insignificant

As a broad sweeping generalisation, men grow up being told that there's a broad range of emotions they're not allowed to express. You can be happy, you can be angry, you can be ambivalent, and that's about it.

When they start having relationships with women then realise that, actually, there are a few more emotions you're allowed to have but not too much. You can be in love but not to the extent that it's cloying. You can be sad but you can't be depressed because then she sees you as weak. You can be upset but you can't cry because then she sees you as not a man. You can be unsure but not to the point where you're indecisive because you're supposed to be determined. You can be unhappy but not to the extent that it affects anyone else because what are you there for if you're so caught up in your own problems that you can't support your partner?

I'm not saying that all the above is the case for all relationships. Of course that's not true. I'm not saying that there's not a bunch of pressure on women about their behaviour/choices/personality. Of course there is and that's just as unreasonable. I'm not saying that there's not a bunch of men out there who are absolute shits to the women they're in a relationship with. Of course there are and they absolutely deserve to be left alone. All I'm saying is that just as women are told all sorts of contradictory things about how they should be in relationships... so are men. And we find it just as difficult to navigate as many women do.

I'm wondering if it would be OK for women to just check out of providing emotional support to their partners or if we can just crack on and say that we aren't good at it either.

At the end of the day it isn't reasonable for a man to expect emotional support but not provide it because he can't be bothered to grow as a person.

Can I opt out of giving emotional support to my kids too? Cos quite frankly I"m exhausted.

I get quite frustrated at the idea that women aren't fixers. In my life it is the women that I know do the majority of the thought load and sort out a hell of a lot of problems and loose ends to smooth things out that quite frequently aren't even noticed by the men in their families. Just women don't always feel the need to be vocal about it or expect praise for sorting something out.

Most men, just like most women, provide support and are great at communicating when they want to.

Based on the posts I've read on MN, many women have appallingly low expectations and settle for men who don't add anything to the relationship. So no, I definitely don't think women's expectations of men are too high.

No.

Where’s the thread on ‘Do men expect too much of women? For instance in providing men with sex on tap, kids at a cost to their health and life, and economic/ daily practical management of the household? For putting up with men’s general inadequacies in life and absolute self-centredness?’

What’s in it for women exactly? If you knew any history of women, in Northern Europe men have not always been quite so economically abusive as now, although the levels of male violence come and go.

Very tiresome when people frame this as a man/woman thing. I'm a crap shoulder to cry on, I'm a fixer. When someone is upset all I can think of is how to find a solution. I don't actually understand venting for the sake of it and just saying "there there" strikes me as completely useless. When I tell people I'm upset it's because I can't find a solution myself and I want them to help, I don't want comfort!

A good friend's mum died recently and I met up with her and tried to do the whole "serious shoulder to cry on" thing and after 15 minutes she just said "gannett you are so bad at this and it's not why I came to meet you - I want my mind to be taken off things and you're good at that".

I've known plenty of men who are great at emotional support and plenty of women (not least my mother) who were spectacularly cold.

But in a relationship context this is about compatibility. If you require a certain level of emotional support you need to find a partner who can provide it. Just like if you require a certain level of intelligence, or a certain type of look, you need to find someone who has it. There should be plenty of time before you marry them to find out.

I’m always surprised however that so many people seem to end up married to people who seem almost complete strangers to them. How do you get to a decade married still frustrated that your partner doesn’t automatically know what you want in particular situations? How in the first place do you end up marrying somebody you find detached and lacking in empathy when you are somebody who really desires attention and empathy?

This really bears repeating. The amount of threads complaining about posters' husbands that contain the phrase "he's always been like that" is insane to me. WELL WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM THEN?